Kittens!

Well, not kittens anymore. They've reached the teenage stage. Lindsay and Kyle's friend, Sam, was here last weekend with her friend, Gary, who is a photographer. Sam wanted to get a photo of Ivy so she can be featured as Pet-of-the-Month at the pet store where she does design work. When Ivy was a teeeny, starving kitten she was hanging around Sam's house. When they finally caught her they brought her to me. About a week later Paige and I went to Petco and got Lio.Our Ivy. She was nervous about having strangers in the house and when they started calling her to have her photo taken she knew something was up. It took a while to find her. She was not too happy about the noisy camera.

Hmmm, having trouble uploading images. I'll do the best I can here and edit it later.
Lio was much more relaxed about the whole thing. He posed all day. Lio is awesome. He's my panther boy. He's also the most affectionate cat I've ever had.Spiral is one of Kyle's cats. He's a little shy but usually pretty friendly. But not when he doesn't want his picture taken. I think he was worried that Gary was trying to steal his soul.A good one of Lio.

W.

Ho-hum. Jeff and I saw it last night. With all the hype that's been going on ever since this movie was cast you'd think it would have packed more of a wallop. It didn't. I just got the feeling that Oliver Stone couldn't figure out which W he wanted us to see, so what we ended up with was a picture of a bumbling but sincere idiot. And Dubya ain't that. Well, maybe he is that, but he's so much more (or less). Why did Oliver Stone want us to like the guy?

Anyway, the whole thing fell flat. And the ending.... just ended. I hate movies that do that.

Afterward Jeff and I went for coffee and tea, which was much more interesting.

Another movie I saw recently also fell flat, but not as flatly. City of Ember was visually interesting, and Bill Murray was fun to watch, but mostly it was slow moving and not that interesting. So there ya go.

Happy Birthday, Michelllllle!

Heh! She spells it with only one L. I'm giving her the gift of more Ls. Don't spend 'em all in one place.

I hope you had a lovely, lovely day.

Oh yeah, I still got it

I went to see Dad after work. As usual, he was in the dining room. He hadn't eaten much of his dinner, just a few vegetables and his dessert. I tried to get him to eat a little more meat but after a couple bites he did the classic toddler avoidance moves. Then he said, "Hey, where are my dirty cookies?" I said, "You mean dessert?" He must have had brownies tonight. Dad's aphasia was in full swing. I told him he had already eaten them. I got the uke out and started to play for him.

He almost always has the same man sitting next to him. His name is Mr. Hammond (Jim would be amused) and he's always out of it, like, totally. One of the staff will come by every once in a while and try to wake him up to take a bite, and he'll usually refuse it. One day when I was there he was sitting there with his head down muttering, "Jesus... Jesus...oh shit, oh shit.... Jesus", etc. Then he perked up and listened to my playing and said, "Hey, you're pretty good on that thing." Well, I was glad to see he wasn't permanently vegged out.

Tonight while I was playing, and Dad was singing along, and Mr. Hammond was muttering, another man came in and sat at our table. He was visiting his wife, who must be in the end stages of something because she's just plain non-responsive. We had a very nice conversation. He asked me if Dad taught me to sing and I said, "Oh yeah", which was kind of a lie because Mom was the one who taught me to sing. Dad taught me how to draw. I said, "He's a very good singer. He was a Barbershopper and he was in a group that won the world championship." Then I started singing Alexander's Ragtime Band, which is one of the ooold Barbershop songs I always heard when I was little. Dad perked right up and sang with me and got pretty much all of the words. I was impressed. Then Mr. Hammond joined in, singing loud and smiling. I said, "Hey, Mr. Hammond! You know that song! Well, I'm going to have to look up the chords so I can play it for you next time." Mr, Hammond smiled and said, "You've got beautiful boobies."

I laughed and said, "Um, well, thank you!" The other man at the table said, "Couldn't you tell her she has beautiful lungs, because she's such a good singer?" I guess not, because Mr. Hammond said it again. "You've got beautiful boobies." So, ok, I guess it's time to go.

I got up and packed up my stuff. One of the nurses came by with her cart and said, "Mr. Hammond, I have to check your vitals" and started taking off his jacket. He said, "Ow! You're hurting my balls! Get your hands off my balls! Jesus! Shit!" The nurse pretty much ignored this. By the time she was done I was all packed up and giving Dad a hug goodbye. Again Mr, Hammond said, "You've got beautiful boobies." Dad got pretty mad then. He said, "You're not... you don't know... you're not going to get out of here alive!" Still pretty aphasic, but his message was clear. Clear to everyone except Mr. Hammond, who just sat there smiling. I said, "It's ok, Dad. It's ok, don't worry about it. I'm sure he meant it as a compliment." I hugged him again and left.

Anyone who saw me walking to my car might have thought I was an escapee from Skilled Nursing, because I was giggling so hard I know I looked like a crazy person.

Too bummed out to blog

Dude, where's my money? My 401K has lost more than half its value. I didn't have a lot of stock but what I had tanked. I was planning to sell it to hold me through the next couple years while I'm going to school. Right now I'm all bundled up in a cold house because I don't want to run the heat. I'll probably shut off the satellite tv for a while. I don't know where else I can cut back but I've got to find a way to trim the expenses.

I still haven't heard anything about that RCC job I applied for. I'm like, COME ONNNNN!!!!! I'd at least like to know if I'm in the running.

AND I have a water heater that's ready to die any day now. The faucet in my other bathroom is leaking and it can't be fixed, it has to be replaced. The only way to do that is to bust out the wall from the front, or go in from behind. That's the best way to do it but I'll need to get the water heater out first. Ok, fine, it needs replacing anyway, but we're looking at around $600 without installation. If things were normal I'd ask Drew to do it, but he's got problems of his own. There's no way I'd ask him to do anything for me right now. If the water heater can hold out for another month, maybe. I'll just have to put up with the leak. And then there's the money problem. Shit.

Gracie isn't doing well. She's on medication for her thyroid but I don't know if it's helping. She's kind of skinny and her hair has fallen out in big patches. Plus, she's almost deaf and she has arthritis. Last night it was cold so I brought her in the house to sleep in the bathroom. All she did was crap all over the floor and bark her head off. I put her back outside. She's almost 13. I might be letting her go soon.

So, this is one of those times. Things are just piling up. People have been asking me if I'm going to decorate for Halloween. I'm not sure if I will at this point. The only thing I'm looking forward to is the election.

I'm going to look up bus schedules.

We love you, Mindy!

Oh, wow. Drew just called. Mindy's mom just died. She's been in poor health for the last several months and losing weight. She was already quite slim. Mindy's sister died a few months ago. I'm sure that also contributed to her decline. Hoo boy.

Ok, universe, let up on these guys for a while, eh? Drew needs to heal and Mindy needs to recover from her loss. The last several months (the last year, really, if you add in all they went through with Dad) has been really rough on this family. They need a break.

Well. I don't believe in prayer and I don't think there is an equivalent for non-believers. I kind of wish there was, just for these occasions. But I can offer my help. As far as I know they still haven't cleared out Mindy's sister's house and now they'll have her mom's house to deal with.

I have uke circle today. I'll call them afterward and see how things are going. There's a lot to deal with in the first few hours. After that, there's time to do a little thinking about what needs to be done. I know the drill.

Take care, you guys. You have my love and good thoughts, And prayers too, such as they are.

Hidey hay!

Look to the right on the links list. I added the weight loss blog. Now it's easier to get there.

This morning I did some much-needed yard work. Mostly I tidied up the front walk and the driveway. Doesn't sound like much but I've got three big trees that dump freakin' LOADS of debris on everything. Man, I'd love to rip them all out, especially that Shamel ash. Not much chance of that because it's a city tree. The whole street is lined with them. Very pretty and they provide lots of shade, but they have very invasive roots and they drop a bizillion seeds that cover everything. Cleaning it all up was a huge job. I also cleaned out the front planting bed, which was looking pretty sad since I haven't been watering it. I'm going to plant my succulents there but first I have to kill all the nasty, persistent weeds that have taken hold.

But it's so nice to be out there right now! The weather is nicely cool. It was supposed to rain today but it looks like that's not going to happen. I've been waiting for cooler weather so I can get stuff done outside. I want to get this place looking better so my neighbors will be happy.

In a little while I'm going to Ramona to help them with their sets for this year's field show. I know, WHY am I doing that since Paige is no longer there? Because they asked me, and because the sets are much simpler this year. All I'm doing is painting 5 big spiral shapes on fabric. And I don't even have to do the whole thing. All I have to do is the outline.

Tonight we're going to see Religulous.

Open mike

Wow, it was a good one.

Bill, Jeff and I met Eric (from uke circle) and his wife for dinner at Heroes. Heroes is a restaurant that serves mass quantities. After eating like a bird for most of the week it sure looked weird to me to see those plates piled ever so high with food being carried through the restaurant. I didn't feel like I was being deprived, it was more like, wow, nobody should ever eat that much food. I ordered a tuna avocado roll up. The sucker was enormous! I took one bits and decided the wrap was too cardboardy. I hollowed the salad out of it and had that. Didn't eat the fries. I was more than satisfied.

After that we headed for the Folk Center. All the regulars were there. Lots of newbies, too. I was planning to sing my Health Science song. I squirmed a little because there were two kids sitting right in front of us and this song is a just a bit randy. After talking it over with Jeff I decided to sing the song and not worry too much about offending delicate ears. When I got up to sing I did say, "Cover the kid's ears" before launching into the song. I'm happy to report it was a hit! People laughed a lot. When I sat back down I apologized the the kid's mother. She said, "Oh, no, that was great! Don't worry about it." A little later her two kids, a girl and a boy, got up and performed. Wow. They did Closer To Fine by The Indigo Girls. Jeez, they were really good.

Jeff sang his newest song, which I think is his best yet. Kind of a bluesy, funny, haiku thing. Bill sang a song about his grandfather's chili. Shades of childhood. Nice and bittersweet. Eric sang I'll Remember You by Kui Lee. I want to learn that one. Eric did a nice job. It was his first open mike.

Ok, here are the lyrics to my song. Everything in it was covered in class-

Health Science teacher
talkin' sex and STDs
birth control and obesity
drugs and heart disease

Eat right, sleep tight, exercise
give your body what it wants
Go out jogging, meet a cougar.
Test your fight or flight response

Chorus-
Can you name all your parts?
Do you know what they do?
Do you stand or sit
when you go to the loo?
Do you roll right over
when you've had a good screw?
Do you know all there is to know about you?

Don't smoke, don't drink and don't shoot up
and treat your sweetie nice.
Don't go to bed with strangers
and you won't get pubic lice

And it's ok to use your hand
or a penis that is fake
Just don't have sex with trees or pets
and don't insert a snake

And say your boyfriend ups and dies
or girlfriend kicks the bucket
Just because it can't say no
doesn't mean it's ok to fuck it

(Oh yeah, necrophilia was covered)

Chorus-

A drink or two can break the ice
and send things in a friendly direction
But not too much, cause when it's time to perform
you might not get an erection

And if you're a girl take extra care
Protect your drink just like it's a child
Something might slip in and the next thing you know
you're the sweetheart of Girls Gone Wild

Chorus-

Mr. Beaman taught us how to stay healthy
but you'll probably still catch a cold
Just apply what you've learned
and if you're good and lucky
you'll die when you're very old

Hello, gorgeous

Thanks for being here.

Ok, now it is

Today was mellow and uneventful. I went to work and had a good day. Michele called but the conversation was cut a bit short because my phone went dead. Thanks for the call, Michele! After work I went to see Dad. He was much better than last time. I played for him and he sang along. He remembered my name. It was a good visit.

Last night I went to the first weight loss class. It's a pretty intense program but I feel much better about it now. I need to lose 3 pounds before they'll let me have the protein shakes. I guess it's some kind of test to see if you're able to comply. So, today I figure I took in about 1100 calories. This week I have to keep a very detailed food log. I have to record everything I eat and drink, how hungry I am before I eat, where, what my body position is, my emotions, how long it takes me to eat each meal, and the time of day.

So, it looks like the focus of the bloggy is going to change again. It started out as a Halloween blog, then morphed into the Alzheimer's blog, then the losing Jim/grieving widow blog, then the settling-into-this-new-life blog, and now it'll be the freakin' intense, medically supervised, extreme dieting blog. I feel like I just got in line at Disneyland.

So, happy birthday to me. I'm 52.

And it's not even my birthday yet

I got a very nice surprise lunch at work today. They all know that I'm starting a very strict diet on Thursday so they gave me an early party. Usually for office birthdays we just have cake and eat it standing up. Today everyone brought potluck- Chicken, salad, layered dip, potato salad and cookies. They set up a table in the common area and we had a nice sit down lunch.

After work I met the girls and Gabe and Ken at Joe's Sushi. Ken's been wanting to go out for sushi with us and since I'm not going to be able to have any for six months I figured tonight's the night. We got there just before they opened. Ken and I sat at the bar. When the girls arrived Jin saw that they were carrying gifts. When he saw that they were for me he brought over a BIG bottle of hot sake and a whole bottle of wine for me to take home. And it wasn't cheap sake, either. This was the good stuff. I shared it with Ken.

Our chef was having fun dreaming up marvelous sushi structures for us. Freakin' deeelish! One one of the plates of sushiu he put down a blob of wasabi, stuck a lighted birthday candle in it and covered it with a very thinly sliced cylinder of cucumber. It looked like a pretty lantern. A very nice touch. At the end of the meal they had me get up on a chair (ha! I couldn't climb up all the way so I perched on my knees), gave me a bowl of green tea ice cream and had the whole restaurant sing Happy Birthday to me. It was a great Joe's experience.

The girls gave me some fun gifts (wrapped in the most gorgeous paper. I wonder where they got it?). I got some cute skeleton lights, some cat candles and a big, ceramic cat head that will make a great candy dish. They also gave me a Dwight Shrute stress reliever. It's a squeezable, rubber Dwight head. They also paid for most of the dinner. Ken bought mine. Thanks, everyone!

Tomorrow I go for the first weight loss class. I'll be going once a week. On Thursday I'll start the diet. Here we go! 800 calories a day!

The show

Ahhh, all done. I really needed to get back to my life. Still, I had fun.

Saturday was the dinner show. I think we did better on Saturday, even though there were more screw-ups. The energy was better and I liked that the house was good and dark during the blackouts. Today's show was fun because Lindsay, Paige, Kyle and Gabe were there. Virginia and Jeff came, too. It was nice seeing them all out there while I was performing. Kind of a security blanket.

I was pleased that the props turned out so well. People laughed when we came out in those big hats. We're supposed to walk out all snooty and then sit down and start singing. Today I misjudged where I was and sat down halfway off my chair. I almost fell over! It just added to the comedy.

Near the end of the show a woman came up to the front and started hassling this old lady at one of the front tables. They argued for a little while and then both of them walked out. I have no idea what it was about. Virginia said the whole thing started at the back of the room. I couldn't see it because the lights were in my eyes. I guess I'll find out what happened eventually. We're going to have a cast party and watch the video of the performance. Maybe someone will know by then what it was all about.

Well, it was fun doing a show. I hadn't done one since just before we left Santa Rosa. I hope I can find the time to do more.

Whew, I'm tired.

Props, props, props

I stayed home from work today. Partly to work on props, but also to be here for the plumber. Hoo boy, big plumbing bill. He changed the faulty main valve and added a new regulator. He unstuck the shower valve. He slowed down the hot faucet leak, but he couldn't stop it completely. The whole thing is just too old and corroded. So, remodeling the second bathroom has become a bigger priority. Puh! He also thinks I should move the water heater outside. A lot of houses in the neighborhood are like that. Boy, I really need that new job.

I've been working like crazy to get these props done. It's going ok, I guess. The hats are about half done, the masks are done and the pocket watches. I did the graphics work (not much, really) for the sing-along signs but I can't burn it onto a disk so I can take it to a copy place and get oversized copies. I emailed it to my work address. I'll go in tomorrow and burn a disk there. Then I'll go to Kinko's, or FedEx, or whatever the hell they're calling it these days, and get the oversized copies made. Then I'll spray mount them onto poster board and reinforce the edges.

I'm going for a walk and then come back and continue the gluing.

Almost too tired to blog

I might actually go to bed early tonight.

Yesterday was long and busy and high pressure. I went to Kaiser first thing to have blood drawn and get a chest xray. I'm starting this kind of extreme weight loss program at the end of the month which requires some lab tests and a check up. Bleah. I grabbed some breakfast and then went to Michael's to pick up supplies. I'm making props for the show: 4 big, fancy hats, 9 big pocket watches, 7 hideous masks, and I don't know how many big cards with lyrics on them so the audience can sing along on one of the songs. I have a LOT of work to do.

Then I went into work to do my resume (my sparse resume) and turn in my application for the receptionist job. Dr. Debbie wrote me a very nice letter of recommendation which I also submitted. The process for submitting an application is kind of unfriendly. You have to submit all the documents at once and they're not very clear about explaining how to do it. If you screw it up you don't get a second chance. I had some trouble getting Dr. Deb's letter to attach, but it all finally went through. Afterward, the release of all that pressure caused another emotional meltdown. Jeez, I'm doing too much crying in my car these days.

I went to MoVal to do some shopping. After having a nice, comforting lunch at Mimi's I went to Costco, Lowe's, and Michael's (again). By the time I finished all that it was 5:30. I got home and had about half an hour to sit and decompress before I left to go to show rehearsal. I got home at around 10:00.

This morning I had to be back at the church to rehearse at 8:00. We're having to do some emergency retooling. One of the cast members decided she was just too busy to do the show. The performance is in a week! Fortunately, she wasn't one of the chorus, just a guest performer with three big solos. It didn't mess up anything we had already staged, but it does mean we have to learn her songs and do some additional staging. People are pretty pissed at her but we're dealing with it.

Then I came home and got right to work making props. I've been doing that pretty much nonstop since noon. I finally had to stop because my eyes got all buggy. Tomorrow morning we're doing one of the songs during the church service. Then we're rehearsing for a few hours. After that I'll come home and resume the prop production line. I'm looking forward to the day when I can sleep in and spend a whole day in my jammies goofing off. I believe that will be September 26th.

Oh yeah, I'm tired. My brain is going buzz, buzz, buzz....

Not counting chickens

Both Scotty and Dr.Debbie sent me this job posting at RCC. It's a full-time receptionist job on campus that really seems like a prefect match for me. I've updated my application and Dr. Deb's going to write a letter of recommendation. I really think I have a shot at this one.

But boy, thinking about the possibility of getting it really messed with my head this afternoon. Last night was horrible. I was tossing and turning as the clock kept ticking off the hours. I was awake, awake, awake and totally consumed by worry, frustration and anger. I don't know if it was the bupropion, or my fears catching up to me or a combination of everything that has happened in the last couple years. Whatever it was, it fucked with me good. I had a glass of wine, hoping it would relax me. I got up and had a bowl of cereal, hoping for a carbo crash. Nothing helped. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. And when I did finally get to sleep my dreams were disjointed and awful. My dead kitty, Katie, showed up and made the dream sad. I got up and started making lists, just trying to get the shit out of my head. It was just plain awful.

Today at work it took me about two hours before I felt like I actually arrived. I was doing other things, personal things like faxing forms to Kaiser and Agilent. But it was a good work day and I got to end it by playing around with a graphics program. Tonight was my first American History class so I did the usual school night thing and went to a restaurant for dinner. On my way there I started thinking about the possibility of getting that job. It's full-time and it would more than double my take home pay. It would also be like getting a $500 a month raise because I'd have medical benefits for Paige and me. If I got that job it would be about 2 years sooner than planned. That would do it. That would fix everything. I was thinking wow, what will it be like to not live my life in constant fear? Suddenly I was overcome by a wave of emotion that smacked me good and hard. I started crying, sobbing. My eyes were burning because the eye cream I applied this morning mixed with tears and bathed my eyeballs in stinging chemicals. I could barely drive and there was no place to pull over. I laughed because it was such a ridiculous situation.

I pulled up to a merciful stop light, being careful not to rear-end the car in front of me. I had just cleaned out the car so there were no tissues, no napkins from Del Taco, nothing absorbent I could use to wipe my eyes. Oh well, my blouse was black so I used my sleeve. I had a couple more shudders of weeping and then got to the restaurant. I went to my table wearing sunglasses.

Jeez-o-friggin'-pete! I've been worried and scared and frustrated and overwhelmed and it SUCKS but I thought I was doing ok. I didn't know how truly afraid I was. Just the thought of not having to be afraid was enough to cause an explosion. The release took me over. I do think I have a decent chance of getting that job. It matches my skills and experience pretty well and I have GREAT references. But even if I don't, there was so much value in finding out how much fear I was holding inside of me. Oh man, I feel so much better.

So yeah, I'm not counting my chickens. But tonight at dinner I did make a list of all the stuff I'm going to do when I have money!

Contest!

Name Sarah Palin's next baby! The winner gets a no-expenses paid trip to the 2nd Annual Sarah Palin Baby Seal Clubbing Festival and Car Show. I'll start.

Trooper (in honor of her former brother-in-law)

Carjack

Staple

10010110101000101

Torque

Phleener

Ping-Pong

Pander

The lawyer's advocate

So... Lately the drama lawyer has been very nice to me. She still drives everyone a little nuts with her comments but I've reached the point where her screwy behaviors don't bother me. The other night as we were all leaving rehearsal, one the the women in the cast said to me, "She just has this tension that I really can't deal with." like she was in the middle of a conversation with someone else. I said, "Who?" She said, "Stacey (drama lawyer's name is Stacey). Her attitude is really affecting me and I just can't deal with it." I said, "Well, you'll probably have to find a way to include it and have it be ok because she's not going to change. Just accept that that's the way she is and just do what you need to do." She thought about it for a little bit and then agreed with me and thanked me for my counsel. Heh!

On the way home I was thinking about Stacey a lot. She and I are the only ones in the cast who aren't members of this church. She might be feeling like an outsider and her behavior might just be her way of coping. Besides, I don't think she's any more annoying than some of the other people in the cast.

We have kind of an odd thing in common. I have a sister named Stacey and she has a step-sister named Donita. I think that's why she started feeling comfortable with me. We had a friendly chat about our sisters and names 'n' stuff and things just relaxed.

So, yeah, she's my new BFF. Sorry, Dean.

Oh man, we ran through my big song, which has me running around the stage, and I could barely sing it! I was totally out of breath! I've been slacking off the exercise lately. Not good, for several reasons. So I've got to get back to it or I'll really suck in this show. Last night I went up the Rube and I'm planning to go again tonight. And tomorrow. And every day I possibly can so I can build up my stamina. Last night was the first time I used my iPod on my walk. Wow, it made a huge difference. I was groovin' to the tunes and didn't notice how hard I was working. I need better headphones, tho. Those dinky earbuds kept falling out of my ears.

Happy Birthday, Dean!!!!!

Sorry to post this so late. Texas is two hours ahead so I don't want to call. I mailed your card and gift too late to get there on time, but they are on their way. Happy Birthday! I love you!

You are now 52. I'm not far behind you. Yeesh, they keep comin', don't they? I guess it's better than the alternative.

I don't have an pictures of you on my iPhoto that I can post here. So, I'll recite the little poem from one of the coolest cards you ever got for me.

Friends will come, and friends will go
And friends will peter out, you know
But we'll be friends through thick and thin
Peter out, or peter in.

Smooch!

The Democratic National Convention

Well, THAT was pretty fuckin' cool.

What did you think?

That stadium was amazing. McCain should give his acceptance speech in Sturgis so he can draw a crowd.

Jeff said we should volunteer to play at Obama events. Hell, yes!

Anyway, it's late and I have to get up early. Comments, please.

Dad

He was pretty out of it yesterday. He didn't sing along with me on the old songs like he usually does. He fell asleep several times and his aphasia was the worst I've seen since the stroke. When they brought him his dinner he kept trying to eat with his hands, even when I had a fork full of food right in front of his face. He tried to eat his napkin. He was doing that fretting over edges thing.

I don't know if it was because of the time of day or a dip in his meds or what. Another little stroke, maybe? Or is it the AD just progressing? A couple times he yelled for Dede and Stacey while I was sitting right next to him. Still, he was able to crack a couple little jokes. I was scooping up a bite of food for him when he reached for the mashed potatoes. I said, "Wait, Dad. I'm getting a bite ready for you." He said, "I want the other." I said, "Ok, but let's use the fork instead of your fingers." He said, "You don't love me anymore" and smiled. That was a joke.

He was sleepy but also on edge. He said he needed to go to the bathroom. When I left I let the staff know that they'd need to attend to him soon. It was kind of a crummy visit. He's been looking so good lately. Yesterday, not so much.

Wow. A year ago he still living in his house and still doing kind of ok on his own. Wasn't it a year ago that we first started cleaning up the farm? Jim's been gone 19 months. We've been in this house 8 months. Sometimes all of this makes me feel a little crazy.

Blogging from work

I'm subbing across the hall for a couple hours. I am alone, alone, alone. So, I blog.

Yesterday's show rehearsal was a bit strange. Drama lawyer decided to be nice to me. I guess we're buddies now. I wonder what clicked in her head?

I'm still really enjoying my kittens. They're a constant source of entertainment. Lio is a total love monster. I've never had such an affectionate cat. Ivy is getting more friendly. Last night I had both of them curled up next to me, which is unusual for Ivy. It's fun to watch her play. She moves more like a monkey than a cat.

I have to take Gracie to the vet tomorrow morning. We had all the dogs shaved at the beginning of the summer. Boz and Lady are starting to look wooly but Gracie's hair doesn't seem to be growing back. The fur on her head and neck is, and she has some goofy-looking patches of longer hair on her body, but for the most part she is still pretty bald. Otherwise, she seems ok.

I've upped the dose of my antidepressant to two pills a day. I was told the appetite suppressant affect would probably wear off after a few weeks, and that is what has happened. I seem to be doing ok on the bigger dose, ecxept it does mess with my sleep pattern. Lio's no help there. He thinks four in the morning is the perfect time for a cuddle. At the end of September I'm starting on a six month long, medically supervised, weight-loss program. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I worry about failure. I do like the idea of getting through Thansgiving and Christmas without gaining weight.

Gonna go see Dad after work. After that I'll hit the Rube.

My face hurts...

...from laughing. Lindsay and I just saw Tropic Thunder. I laughed and laughed hard. The best laughs are in the beginning of the movie and it wraps up nicely at the end. The middle part where all the action is kind of levels off the funny, but there are still some good moments. Quite a good cast.

Tomorrow is my last Friday off. Next week we go back to the regular schedule. Bummer. I reeeally liked having Fridays off.

On Tuesday I had another show rehearsal. Some changes have been made. Instead of having almost every song done ensemble style with everyone singing different lines, the director assigned everyone their own song. There's still a chorus and some trading of lines but I think the whole thing will work much better. And now there's a whole bunch of stuff I won't have to memorize. I think I got one of the best songs. It's Oom-pah-pah from Oliver.

Drama lawyer got all offended again. This woman is sensitive to the point of ridiculous. We were all in a line on stage when someone noticed a spider crawling across the floor in front of us. We had a short discussion about whether or not we should let it live. Then someone said, "It's a black widow!" and so the decision was made. One of the guys stepped on it and left it twitching. I leaned forward and said to the spider, "Do you need representation?" Drama lawyer said, "Hey!" I said, "Really? You thought I was making a derogatory lawyer joke?" She said, "Everyone hates lawyers until they need one!" I was keeping it light but she was serious. Now I'm tempted to make lawyer jokes until her head explodes.

Before that happened I heard her mention a couple of times to different people that she's a lawyer. She reminds me of Tracy Morgan's imitation of Star Jones on SNL (which ALWAYS cracked me up!).

So, all you locals, save this date- Saturday, September 20th. It's going to be a dinner theater thing. I'll post more info when I get it.

Bringing up the GPA

I got an A in Health Science. I really thought I'd end up with a B. I did poorly on one of the tests and I missed an assignment. I guess I did really well on the final. It was NOT a hard class. Ok, another one crossed off the list. On September 2nd I start History 6- History of the United States from colonial times to 1877. I'm looking forward to it.

WWAAAAHHHH!!!

Something's wrong with this computer! It has a hum and the screen is 50% darker. Rats!!!! The last time I had it fixed it cost big bucks. Crap, crap, crap!

A full weekend

Thursday after work I picked up Lindsay and we drove to LA so see the Dodgers game with the Carrozza's. I hadn't been to a baseball game in thirty-something years. It was really fun. It was nice to just hang out with them in the stands. And hey, bonus, the Dodgers won. Getting out of the parking lot after the game took about a year.

On Friday I drove down to Laguna to see Lorraine and her mom. They had come down for a wedding. We met at their hotel and went into town and knocked around the shops. I hadn't been to Laguna Beach in a very long time. It was so cool to see what other artists are doing. Lots of inspiration in those gallery shops. Lorraine's friend, Joanne, and Joanne's daughter were also along for this jaunt. I guess it was too much Philly all in one place because things were a bit tense between them. Lorraine and Louise said they were VERY glad to see me because I'm such a calming influence. I know what they meant. I like Joanne, but she can be a bit much. We had a reeeeally good lunch and one of the trendy Laguna restaurants, did a little more shopping and then I came home.

Jeff, Bill and I were playing at Maui Wowie that night. They were having a Hawaii Statehood celebration event. We were playing for pay this time. I got there pretty early so I went to the crappy Chinese place next door and got a crappy fried rice thing. I ate about 4 bites of it and threw the rest away. Then I went next door and met the guys.

We played for about an hour. Then it was time for us to take a break and some hula dancers came on. While they were setting up I sat on the sofa with Zoey and talked to Virginia, who was sitting in a chair next to us. Some old guy (asshole) came in and asked us if we were going to hog the seating area. It was one of those stupid things where you're not sure if someone is kidding or serious or what. We were just sitting down. Hogging the seating area? WTF? We kind of went back and forth with him, making silly comments, trying to keep it light. Then I guess he got disgusted and turned to leave. I said, "Hey, there's room for one more on the sofa here." He said, "I'm here to see hula dancing, not belly dancing" and walked out. I turned to Zoey and said, "Wow, did you hear what he just said?" The three of us were a bit stunned.

I don't know how that whole thing was for Virginia and Zoey, but for me it was one of those things were it took me a while to figure out what had just happened. I always expect people to behave in a normal and generally friendly way, so when someone is intentionally cruel it always floors me. It took me a while to really clue in. I finally did and spent the next hour fighting tears. What a fucker. He and his family sat at a table outside the door. I took a good look at him. He was an ugly, old sonofabitch who was sporting a beer gut. I didn't know if he was someone who was connected to the shop in some way. He might have been a relative of the owners, I just didn't know. But I don't think he was. I think what he really wanted was a place for his mother/wife/old-woman-family-member to sit down. If he had said, "Is it alright if my old-woman-family-member sits down here?" we would have been happy to accommodate him. Hell, we would have moved and let his whole family sit there. But what are you supposed to do when someone walks up from nowhere and asks if you're hogging the seating area? Like he had some special right to it. The more I thought about it the more I wanted to throw a smoothie in his face.

Actually, what I really wanted to do was confront him in front of his family. But that day we were the hired entertainment and it would have been inappropriate to pick a fight with one of the customers.

Ok, Mindy just called. I gotta go. We're having dinner with the Butchers. I'll finish this later.

12:17am. I'm back.

Anyway, I held it together and didn't give in to the tears. Just before we were to start playing again Molly and Joe showed up with Mindy and Ty. Drew wandered in a few minutes later. Ah! People who love me! I hadn't expected to see them that night. We started playing and ended up having a really good time. We even played for almost an hour longer than we were supposed to. I'm glad we were able to end the evening on a high note.

On Saturday I hung around here for most of the day. That afternoon I headed up to Stacey's and hung out there for a little while. Then I went to Maui Wowie for the second night of our world tour. No hula dancers this time. No assholes, everyone was nice. Got paid. I do enjoy playing with Jeff and Bill.

Today I had show rehearsal. I'm starting to get to know these people and I must say I don't like most of them. I don't like it when people waste time screwing around or chatting. One woman was being pretty bitchy and at one point covered her ears in a dramatically obvious way because she thought I was singing too loud. Really, I wasn't, but because she can't read music she was having trouble learning her part. Later she took offense at a lawyer joke that was in one of the songs. I guess that means she's a lawyer. The song was A Little Priest from Sweeney Todd. It mentions lots of different kinds of professions and describes how they might taste in a meat pie. As soon as she heard the word lawyer she said, "Hey!" and gave the director a dirty look. Then later she got all bothered about a stage direction he gave her. Jeez, what bullshit.

After that I met the family at a Korean restaurant. I walked in just as Joe was chatting with the waitress and ordering the meal for all of us in Korean. That was pretty cool. Joe was stationed in Korea for several years and speaks Korean fluently. I could tell he was having the time of his life talking with the staff. And the meal was reeeally good. Every table has a grill set in the middle so you cook the meat yourself. We had a really good time. After that we went back to Stacey's for dessert and to watch the Olympics on Tivo. Dede showed pictures of their Alaska trip. Another fun evening with my awesome family.

Monday...

...was just one of those days. The universe was conspiring against me.

I got up early so I could go to RCC and take the assessment test for English, math and reading. Right off the bat I was already in a bad mood. I was messing around with the usual worries, company was coming and the house was nowhere near ready. My plan was to go to RCC, take the test, go to the library and go buy a parking permit. When I got to RCC my current parking permit wasn't in my car. I have no idea where it went. Ok, so I'll just get one from the machine. I screwed it up. I didn't punch in how much time I wanted. It sucked my dollar in and gave me a permit for 30 minutes. Crap! Ok, so I'll go to the library and get what I need from there. That should take half an hour and then I'll just go back to the machine and get a permit that will give me enough time to take the test.

When I got to the library door there was a sign outside saying their hours had been cut back for the month of August and they wouldn't be open until the afternoon. Grrrr... So I went back to my car and bought another permit. So, what's a couple bucks in the grand scheme?

I went to the Assessment Center. They wouldn't let me take the test because I have a hold on my record because of my shitty grades from 33 years ago. The hold will be lifted once I finish with this Health Science class, but that didn't help me on Monday. So I left. The girl at the Assessment Center said I could go to the counseling office and get a Matriculation Appeal and then I'd be able to go back and take the test. Yeah, right. By that time I was on the verge of tears. There was no way in HELL I was going to go to any office and try to talk to anyone. I found a quiet corner behind the auditorium and sat down and tried to collect myself. After I was sure I wouldn't burst into tears if someone said boo to me I went to the cashier and bought my yearly staff parking permit. At least that went smoothly.

I had three hours to kill before going to work and I didn't feel like going home. I went downtown to Back To The Grind to get some coffee and read for a while. I parked in the back, just like I always do when I go there for uke circle...on Sundays...for free. When I came back out I had a parking ticket on my windshield. My brain was NOT working that morning. It really is a good thing I didn't take that assessment test.

I went to Applebee's for lunch. I took a notebook in with me so I could do some writing. When I'm stuck in a thought vortex it really helps to write about it. I was trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I was thinking about my being alone and what that means. The problem isn't so much being alone or being lonely. It's going through life without a committed partner to share and help handle all the details. If we had been living together in this house for several years everything would already be settled and in place. When we first moved into the house on Sunny Manor we did SO much work. All the repairs and major issues were handled right away and we did them together. I'm thinking about all of my married friends and siblings who have been living in their houses for a long time. If any of them lost their spouse they'd be dealing with their grief and everything else in the same home they've been living in for years. Yes, it would be hard because that home would be full of memories, but at least there wouldn't be any surprises. Part of my problem is there's so much that needs to be done and my brain can't hold it all. It's that half-a-brain problem again.

Yesterday I was really missing Jim. I just want to talk to him. We talked a lot. Talking was a big part of our relationship. I miss his point of view. It still kind of baffles me that he's gone. Yesterday I realized that I really am incomplete. I'm out of balance. It's like I have to now regenerate a lost appendage. I don't have him so I have to grow more of me. Weird.

See, this is why I need kittens.

I have a lot to catch up on

Maybe Friday I can sit and blog for a good long stretch.

The Carrozza's came to visit last night. They're out for their annual trek to CA to visit their Kyle. Last night they were here for dinner. Thursday after work Lindsay and I are going to meet them at a Dodgers game. That's baseball, right? I haven't been to one of those in decades.

Work was BORING today. I did five hours of data entry and all of it was the same set of strokes.

Oh jeez, one of the kittens is playing in the shower. I can hear the door banging. Yes, I said kittens, plural. On Saturday Paige and I went to Petco and got a playmate for Ivy. He's all black, about 19 weeks old so he's twice as big as she is, and he's a smoochin' fool. We're talkin' sooooper affectionate. We named him Leo, except Paige wants it to be spelled Lio. But call him Leo. Ivy is over the moon. For the first two day she did nothing but attack him ferociously. I was calling her Ivy the Terrible. He's so patient and tolerant. He'll just sit there while she chews on his neck and kicks at him. But he's not a blob. He'll give as good as he gets. So now I have a couple of black kittens that are hard to find if they're sitting on the furniture or my ukulele case.

I know I didn't need any more pets but it's nice having friendly critters in the house when I'm alone here. And this is it. No more. All full here.

That's all I'll write for now. Later I'll write about my shitty Monday.

A date with myself

I took myself out for dinner and a movie tonight. First I went to Borders and bought a book. I didn't know anything about this book. I wanted something to read, it was there on the shelf, it had an interesting cover and it said it was on the NYT bestseller list, so I grabbed it. It's called The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid by Bill Bryson. I took it to Coffee Depot, got myself an iced coffee drink and sat on the sofa for a nice, relaxing read. The beginning of the book has a long set-up but it made me laugh at the end of the first chapter, so I think it's going to be good.

While I was enjoying my book a woman from uke circle came in with her boyfriend. We had a nice chat until it was time for me to leave and go see The Pineapple Express. I laughed much. That movie has some great moments. Afterward I went to California Pizza Kitchen for dinner. I really wanted another one of them Miso Seafood salads. I got a table on the patio. Just before I was ready to order Bill came walking through the gate. I swear, I just about can't go anywhere in Riverside without running into Bill. He joined me at my table. Pretty soon Zoey came walking up with a friend. My table for one instantly became a table for four, but I was the only one ordering food. They got to have the delightful experience of watching me eat a salad.

It was a nice night.

It's all just a little weird

Ok. I've been back and forth about whether or not to share this on me bloggy. But it's something that's influencing my life right now and I want to write about it. Last week I went to the doctor to discuss a few health concerns, mainly my weight and what I could do to get rid of some of it. Now, when I go to the doctor I cry. I always cry. I've been that way for years. I'm not afraid to go to the doctor, but once I'm there fear creeps in and takes hold. And that makes me cry. I fucking hate it.

Of course, it's worse since Jim died. So, I'm there and I can't talk because my throat is clenched tight. She asked me how long I've been depressed. I didn't really think I was depressed. Still grieving some, overwhelmed by my new life, worried about my future, but depressed? Well, ok, maybe I was. She told me about an anti-depressant that in addition to helping me feel better, would kick up my metabolism and suppress my appetite. Dude, sign me up!

Actually, it wasn't like that. We talked about it for a long time. I had taken Xanax for a while after Jim died but I wasn't consistent about it and when I felt I didn't need it anymore, I stopped. I didn't know if I really wanted to commit to taking an anti-depressant for a long period of time. This stuff is called bupropion, which is the generic version of Wellbutrin. It's mostly prescribed to help people quit smoking. I think Dad was taking it for a while, which also felt a little weird to me. But I decided to give it a try.

It's supposed to take a couple weeks before it kicks in but I felt a difference right away. Could be a placebo effect. It's a good thing I'm back on my regular work schedule because it does indeed make me pretty speedy. At first I was having a lot of trouble falling asleep, but that seems to have calmed down. It does suppress the appetite. I love that part of it. I'm losing weight.

I don't trust my emotions right now. Mostly I'm pretty evened out but there are times when I feel a little nutty. If I get angry or frustrated about something I have to let it go because I can't tell if it's the drug or my normal reaction. But mostly I feel pretty good and quite clear-headed. I feel more motivated to do things. Normally, I'm a master procrastinator but lately I'm handling things as they come up. I have lots of energy. And still it's all just a little weird.

I hope this works out. I hope it maintains its effectiveness. I hope I don't develop any nasty side effects. Goofing around with brain chemistry is risky but this stuff has been around for a long time and they pretty much know all of its quirks. So far the lowest dose is working just fine for me. I like that.

So, here we go. Better living through chemicals.

Gonna do a show

Well, it's a sort of a show. It's show-like.

One of the guys I know from uke circle, name's Terry, invited me to participate in his church's annual Broadway in the Basement musical revue thingy. He said they didn't have enough women (an unusual occurrence) and asked if I'd like to come to a rehearsal and see what it's about. I'm not a churchy kind of gal but I had heard that this particular church is very liberal and accepting of all types of humans. So, yesterday I went to their rehearsal.

I showed up early and got a tour of the whole facility. It's quite large and pretty old (built in 1910). The basement is really cool. It's pretty big and it has a stage. On our way back to the music room Terry showed me the main sanctuary. They were in the middle of tranny Sunday service. Yep, this place is very broad-minded.

It looks like there will be five men and four or five women in this thing. Two of the women were absent. We'll be doing songs from My Fair Lady, Sweeney Todd and Oliver. The director seems to know what he's doing. At first he told me that he hadn't assigned all the solos yet and that he was going to wait until he was more familiar with everyone's voices. I think that was his polite way of saying, "I don't know you. You're someone that Terry dragged in. You might suck." He handed me the song sheets and we started in on the first number. After he heard me sing he said, "Ok, Donita, we'll have you sing this...and this...and this....and this...and this..." Like that. Heh, heh!

I think it's going to be fun. Everyone seems pretty nice and they're all good singers. I like the director. He's going to stage it with some movement and light choreography. It'll be fun to do that kind of singing again.

After the rehearsal Terry and I walked over to the uke circle meeting. Wow! The place was packed! That's the biggest turnout so far. I hope they keep coming back.

After that I went to the brewery and had a salad. Pretty boring. The brewery has great burgers. Next time I'll stick to the tried and true. I was going to meet Bill and Jeff at the Royal Falconer later to see this Irish band so I had a couple of hours to kill. I went to Fairmount Park to sit in the shade and play my uke for a while. The park was pretty full. Lots of families, lots of barbeque. There were a couple of guys doing some African drumming. One of them came up to me and invited me to come play with them. I didn't think my uke-ing would mesh all that well with their drumming but I wasn't going to turn down such a kind invitation. It took a while to find some songs that would work. Sway and I Saw The Light worked really well. I feel so cool and hip. I was jammin' with the bruhthas in Fairmont Park.

Then I headed over to the Falconer. Again I was early. I sat at the bar and had a not quite cold enough Smithwick's. When the band started to set up I grabbed a table. Bill showed up soon after. I think Jeff showed up about an hour after that. Man the band was good! The only amplification was on the mandolin. The place was pretty noisy so it would have been nice if they had had at least some sound equipment. But since they were all Ren Faire veterans they all had big voices that cut through the din of the room.

It was a very good weekend. On Friday I cleaned and got rid of a truckload of stuff. On Saturday I replaced a faucet and on Sunday I was immersed in music. Today was pretty great too. I got a raise!

The Dark Knight

I took myself to a movie tonight. I dunno, I wasn't that thrilled with it. I enjoyed some of the jokes (there weren't enough of them) but the whole thing was too flashy and jiggly, too much of a visual onslaught. I wonder how many Heath Ledger Jokers will be prowling the streets of America this Halloween? Too many, I'm sure. It'll be like, oh look, another one.

After the movie I went to California Pizza Kitchen for dinner. I can enthusiastically recommend their new Miso Seafood salad. I got a half order and it was still pretty huge. Man, it was good.

Getting things done

Ah! A very productive day today. I made a lot of room in the garage and filled up the truck with thrift store donations. I made a ton of phone calls and got business-type crap handled. I'm going to continue the process tomorrow. It felt so good to be able to devote a whole day to working on the house. And tomorrow I get to do the same thing! Really, this does make me very happy.

Tonight I met Bill and Virginia and a bunch of their friends at Coco's. Their daughter, Zoey, is doing Beauty and the Beast at RCC so they all went out for an after-show snack. It was a nice way to wrap up the day. I saw the show on Wednesday, which was their last rehearsal. I had been at Health Science class and had just taken a test. I was sitting in my car going over my notes basically just to see how badly I had done. Suddenly I saw Virginia's face in my window. Scared the crap out of me! She told me that the director was letting the parents go to that last rehearsal so they could take pictures. She invited me to come along. I had already bought my ticket for Thursday's show, but hey, what the hell. I enjoyed watching it but the show had a lot of flaws. It was like watching a stage show at Disneyland. Tonight I found out that the recorded music was sweetened with recorded vocals. I mean, come on! Oh well, it was still fun to see Zoey on stage.

I'm pretty sure I've dropped a few pounds. My clothes are fitting looser. Happy dance. Last night I zoomed up Mt. Rubidoux. Keep going, keep going. I'll write more about that in a later post.

Ivy is growing like a weed. She's at that gawky kitten stage. She's still a little cuddle buddy but she won't hold still for a hug until after you've worn her out with some rough play. Sometimes while I'm sleeping she'll lick me on the nose. It's a bit of a shock feeling that rough tongue when I'm in the middle of a dream. I sure do like her.

It's late but I can't sleep.

An afternoon with Bob

Jim and Bob, back in the day.My good buddy from high school days came to Riverside yesterday. He has a friend who is appearing in the musical A Little Night Music that's running at Community Players right now. Bob emailed me last week and asked if I'd like to see it with him. Sounded like a great way to spend an afternoon.

The play was so-so. The songs were clever and fun but the show just doesn't hang together very well. There were some pretty funny moments which probably weren't meant to be funny. In one scene the young man in the play was trying to hang himself. The "hanging tree" was a branch that they lowered from the ceiling. It looked more like a perch for a very large parrot. For the big show-down scene between the two older male characters this guy brought out a tiny statue on a pedestal that was supposed to evoke a garden space, but really just looked like a tiny statue standing in the middle of the floor. The women in the show did a lot of walking around, holding up their long dresses. That looked pretty weird to me. Back in the day when long dresses were in style if women had had to hold them up that much they would have been saying, "Hey, we need to hem these dresses up a couple of inches."

The other kind of quietly hilarious moment came when the old-lady-in-a-wheelchair character came out. Damn, she looked awfully familiar. I looked her up in the program and her name was Janet Hodge. I didn't know a Janet Hodge but I knew a Janet-formerly-Schrader-formerly-Lang. Yep. It was Janet, Dad's second wife. From her bio in the program it looks like the old bitch has been busy. I tried talking to her after the show but she was swamped by her adoring fans.

It's interesting to me that almost no one in the cast was from Riverside. This ain't no small town. I'm sure there are plenty of talented people who live here who could have done a much better job in some of those roles. So, what's up with that?

After the show Bob had a hankerin' for Mexican food so we went to Olivia's for dinner. The food was good and the conversation was great. We had a lot of catching up to do. After that we came back to my house and split a bottle of wine. It was so nice spending some time with Bob. We talked about our kids, our health (y'know, middle-aged stuff), what it's like to be single at this time in our lives (he's recently divorced), and (ugh!) dating. He's tried it and is pretty fed up with the whole process. I'm pretty sure it's not for me. Like WAY not. Right now I'm more interested in meeting new people and making friends.

It was a comfortable, warm visit. Bob says there's lots of fun stuff to do in Long Beach so I'm going to go visit him one of these weekends. He's doing Inherit the Wind at the end of August. I'll go see him in that.

Thanks, Bob! I had fun.

Happy Birthday, Paige!

The baby is 18!
Man, she has been waiting for this day since birth. Ok, kid, you're a legal adult now. Do your stuff.

We went to dinner at Joe's. It was the usual internal-damage-from-sushi stuff fest. Lindsay gave Paige a picture she had drawn of Eddie Bunny on a motorcycle. I gave her a car adapter for her iPod. I had included one of those inflatable japanese paper balls on top of Paige's gift. We had an unruly game of paper ball volleyball at our table. They gave Paige a free bowl of green tea ice cream and made her stand on a chair while the whole restaurant sang Happy Birthday to her. We all had a very good time.

Both my kids are legal adults!

Food log

This week as an assignment for Health Science class I'm keeping a food log. I've done this before. One of the things about keeping a food log is you tend to eat less because you don't want to write too many things down. It works pretty well if you can keep it up. It kept me from snacking on nuts at work today.

Last night the teacher showed us a film about these two doctors who took four people, cleaned out their cupboards of everything that was bad for them, taught them how to shop and cook and gave them some exercises. The program lasted three months. Of course, in the end everyone had lost a lot of weight and looked fabulous. In one scene they took two of the people to the lab at their hospital. They had some human organs spread out on a table. First they picked up a normal heart. Then they showed an enlarged heart. Holy moley! I'd heard of someone having an enlarged heart but I never knew how big they could get. It was HUGE! They also had the aorta from the same person. They had it on the table with a normal aorta. Huge difference. That scene had quite an impact on me.

I don't have high cholesterol and my blood pressure has always been really good. Heart disease probably isn't the thing that will take me down. I'm going down the diabetes/cancer road. I'm sure in that lab they'd have some scary body parts that would pertain to my situation.

I've been spinning my wheels for months now, trying to start a diet but failing over and over. I think I'm ready now. It always helps to get a good, solid kick in the ass. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday. I'll discuss it with her. Tonight I walked the Rube. I'll write that in the food log as well. One thing that I like about being on a diet is when I'm controlling how much I eat I feel like the rest of my life is also in control. That would be a very good thing for me right now.

Today I had lunch at the RCC Culinary Academy. Man, that is Riverside's best kept secret. For $7.50 I had a salad, seafood pasta, bread and iced tea. I ate less than half of the seafood pasta and I was still comfortably full. And it was really good! It's just down the street from our office. I'll have the rest of the pasta for lunch tomorrow.

I have two more days in the Chancellor's office and then it's back to my regular schedule. I was glad to have the extra work because I can sure use the money, but it'll be nice not to have to get up at 6am every day. I have really enjoyed working over there. I wish they could bust out the walls so it could be one big office. I like working with everyone and the Chancellor is like someone's really nice dad. Plus, this office has a kitchen. Our office is hurtin' for a kitchen.

Gruber's show

Last night's show wasn't what I thought it was going to be. The new Largo has two rooms. Janeane Garofalo played the big room and her show started about an hour earlier. Gruber's show was in the little room. I like the little room. Very cozy. The show was typical Gruber-type stuff. Andy, Ben and Tommy were the band, with Gruber on piano for a few numbers. Andy's percussion set looked like a bunch of toys in a box. He sure got some sound out of it, though.

Jim Turner and Mark Fite did their stuff. You would recognize Jim Turner from SNL. Gruber also had a few guest performers. Not all of the material was strong but it was still a fun show. They ended the show with a segment called Sashay. I had heard about Sashay. It's where Jim Turner and Mark Fite basically go out and hump the audience. When they said Sashay was coming up I got a little squirmy. Well, the Sashay last night was pretty tame. They came out into the audience with boxes of chocolates. They went up to the women and struck suggestive poses, some pretty close, and gave each a piece of chocolate. It's pretty funny. It's all in the attitude and the costuming. They were wearing these cheesy disco outfits. They're both pretty dorky-looking guys but they acted like they were God's gift to women. For my sashay Mark gave me a hug and kissed the top of my head. Lindsay got a full-frontal straddle sashay from Jim. Such a friendly show. Afterward they sent us outside for cupcakes, which I thought was kind of strange. I mean, cupcakes?

While we were standing around chatting, Janeane Garofalo came out. She walked by a couple times, not too interested in the crowd from Gruber's show. Later, when we were standing outside the venue she walked by as she was leaving. She looked like she was desperate to get out of there. She was all alone, cigarette in hand, looking at the sidewalk and moving fast. I guess she was tired and wanted to get home. Yes, that's it. She sure has a lot of tattoos now.

We were going to meet at House of Pie but as I was driving over there I was starting to get pretty tired. It was already 12:30. I called Lindsay and told her I was going home.

It was a fun night. I need to do that more often.

Rough afternoon

Fridays are the only time I can get business handled. Today I tried to complete the stock ownership transfer. I had everything all ready to go except for this small estate affidavit form I needed from the county. I went to the offices downtown and the clerk told me they don't have forms there. Kind of rude and not at all helpful. This is the stuff that makes me crazy. It would take so little effort to speak one additional sentence that would make a world of difference to the person asking you for help. I told her that as far as I knew this was the place I needed to be. After going in circles for a few minutes she finally told me that the form can be downloaded or I could find one at a stationary store. She handed me a little flyer with all the information I needed. Thank you, MORON!

I came home and looked it up. The small estate affidavit is for estates UNDER $100,000. AAARRGGHH!!! The guy I talked to at Fidelity told me that was the form I needed because my stock holdings are much less than $100,000. Ok, but what about the rest? There's the 401K and some other stuff. Why didn't he at least ASK me about that before telling me to get the wrong form?

I called Fidelity and asked about the whole thing. What I really need is either a letter of appointment or a letter of testamentary. Ok, how do I know which one to get? How do I get it once I know? Well, I have to go through probate! CRAP! I told her I thought in California everything just pretty much automatically transfers to the surviving spouse. She said IRAs do. Bank accounts do. Not stock and other assets. She said I probably should hire a lawyer or I could buy a NOLO book called How to Probate an Estate. Oh sure, like THAT'S a good idea.

So, how much does a freakin' probate lawyer cost and how do I find a good one? This is making me kind of sick. After I got off the phone I just lost it. This shit is endless.

I took a nap and woke up feeling a little better. I helps a lot to have a small kitten chewing on my fingers and toes while I'm trying to sleep. She's such a doll. Ivy lightens the mood. I goofed off for a while and then went out to the garage and moved things around. It always feels good to make some progress on the house.

But damn, I was really thinking I was on track with the business stuff. I don't know how long it will take me to get this handled. It's funny, because the other items I took care of that were very similar didn't require any special forms. I filled out what they sent me, had it all notarized and mailed it off. And now it will be another week before I can deal with it.

I sure do wish I knew about this stuff a year ago when I still had money for a lawyer. I'm going to see what kind of help they can give me down at the court house. I'll check out that NOLO book.

An oh yeah, Paige just rolled up on a different motorcycle. She bought another one. This one is bigger, 700ccs, and the frame is too tall for her. But hey, it's painted white with blue flames so it must be perfect. I stood out in the street and told her several times that she needs to keep looking for the right bike. This one is just too big. She turns 18 in a week. Once she gets her license she'll be riding on the streets.

Where's that kitten?

Alone!

I am completely alone here in the big office. The highly degreed ones are upstairs in a meeting and the woman I usually work with is taking a class on campus. Some disgruntled student called trying to get his VA benefits ferried through the system and wanted to complain endlessly to me about it. Meanwhile, the other lines are ringing. I finally got off the phone with him and researched who is supposed to know what the hell to do to help him. I found the right person and asked her to call him, which she did. Then he called ME back so he could bitch some more. In the meantime two other lines are ringing. So, I'm not answering the phones because I'm stuck listening to this whiner talking to me about stuff I can't help him with and besides, it's been HANDLED. Now I know what Dean goes through every day.

I have to pee but I'm AFRAID to leave my desk! What if one of those people who called earlier and didn't make it through calls back? Of course, now that I'm not chasine down VA benefits the phones are silent. I just know that as soon as I get fully committed to a bathroom break that phone will ring.

Yesterday while I was poking around Google I found a spanish blog that has linked to this one. Mine is the only english blog that she linked. I thought that was pretty interesting. I wonder what it was about my blog that caught her eye? I wrote her a note to say hello. I'm assuming she speaks english.

Ooh, someone from my office across the hall just came over to give me a project. Yay! Something to do!

Migraine

Sucker messed me up today. I don't get horrible migraines, like Zoey. And I don't get them often. Like once every two years. They're short and usually not that painful. I'll get the visuals, like a hole in the center of my vision and the periphery gets all weirdly sparkly. Sometimes I'm mildly aphasic. In the end I'm left with a small headache. That's the usual pattern.

This time the headache started first. I was going over some documents looking for this specific contract (I know, that does not sound like me) and I noticed I was having trouble concentrating on what I was doing. Then I noticed the band of shape-shifting, multi-colored triangles moving across the upper half of my visual field. I told my co-worker what was going on. At least I think that's what I was saying to her. I was having trouble talking.

I sat at my desk with my eyes closed. It took about half an hour for the triangles to go away. I remembered I had an Advil in my purse and took it. By the time I left I felt like I could drive home. That was pretty difficult. My head was pounding like a mo-fo. When I got home I went straight to bed and slept for three hours. I still feel pretty crappy. I hope this isn't what they're evolving into.

I had one once when I was on stage doing a matinee at SRJC. I noticed that the lights looked unusually bright. I was having a hard time just standing up. Fortunately, I had no lines, I just had to stand there and look interested. When I got off Stage I had the stage manager call the director and ask if it was ok for me to sit out the rest of the show. All I had after that was a crowd scene and the curtain call. I went into one of the classrooms and laid down on some floor mats. I think being under the lights made things more sparkly. It was weird. By the time the evening performance rolled around I was fine.

The migraines also affect my thinking. I tried talking to Lindsay on the phone and I couldn't remember certain words. If you read my comment on the Unhappy Kitten post you can see I was having some trouble. So, I'm going back to bed to sleep this off.

The kitty is happier today. We're having many litter box successes.

Unhappy kitten

Lindsay took Ivy to the vet today. He confirmed that she's an Ivy and not a Larry. She got her shots, a worming, a leukemia/AIDS test, an application of Frontline and endured the extraction of a stool sample. That's on top of all the big events of yesterday. She was captured, bathed, de-flea-ed (jeez, how do you spell that?), crated, transported and then smooched to death. She is one stressed out kitty.

She's seems to be settling in very well. Yesterday she was a bit skitty. She would take off every time we approached her. Tonight she sat on the bed and let me sit down next to her. She snuggled right up. I'm sure it's partly because she's wiped out.

This morning I went to work early to make sure everything got done before the big meeting today. I made coffee, filled the water pitcher and set out a tray with everything that would be needed. While I was pulling all that together the new Chancellor showed up. It was just me and him! I introduced myself and as he shook my hand he said, "Ah, Donita. I've been hearing good things about you." (Me, on the inside: Tra-la-la!) We chatted a little and then he said, "I don't have my computer here. I think they were supposed to set it up for me." I said, "I'll call the Help Desk and see what's going on." He was all impressed 'n' stuff. I got on the phone and called the Help Desk, who referred me to Facilities, who referred me to MoVal Facilities, who sent me to voicemail a couple of times and then hemmed and hawed about being the only one there, but finally agreed to, by gum, get it done! Yee-haw, I came through for the Chancellor! I was able to justify the good things he heard about me in the first five minutes of our meeting! And it went on like that for the first few hours of the day! His phone wasn't working. He said, "Could you also call someone to come look at my phone? It's gone dead." Well, that happens sometimes. They go out for some reason. You just enter the extension three times and push a different button in between. Voila! So, I quickly looked up his extension and tapped in the code. It worked, and I looked like a jeeen-yuss.

Man, I love shit like that. Half the time I feel like I just don't know enough to do my job. The people around me are so accomplished and experienced. I know I bring my own special gifts to the job. But there's limited opportunity when it comes to doing artsy stuff at the office. Today I had to perform for the new top dawg and I did more than ok. That's the kind of thing that will help get me full-time and bennies sooner rather than later.

Another funny thing happened. I received a Dismissal Probation letter from OUR office! I guess some computer somewhere finally kicked on and noticed my HORRIBLE grades from 33 freakin' years ago. My transcripts read pretty goofy. I have a few A's from back then, but also C's, D's, F's, W's, I's and maybe even a parking ticket. Who knows? But my grades from Santa Rosa are really great and my RCC grades since 2003 are all A's. So, why didn't I get that letter five years ago?

This morning I showed it to Patti, the matriculation assistant. She thought it was pretty funny. If I get a good grade in Health Science I'll be taken off probation. Wait, don't I have any pull with this office? C'mon, take me off probation now!

Damn bureaucracy.

Dog Haiku

This is one of the first Forwards I ever received and it's still one of my favorites. Dean sent it. Virginia had a bad day today so I posted it on her blog. And then I thought, hey, I'll share this with my faithful readers!

Love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-dead squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds—I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy—come to kill us all—
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush.
Hello, Spot—Sniff this and weep

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man—come to kill us all—
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

I sound the alarm!
Mail carrier—come to kill us all—
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

I sound the alarm!
Gardener—come to kill us all—
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I Hate my choke chain—
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot—no greater bliss—well,
Maybe catching mice

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do

The cat is not all
Bad—she dots the neighborhood
With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under fence—why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

My owners' mood is
Romantic—I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.

Ivy

Say hello to Ivy.

Yep. Gots a new kitten. She's a stray, about 6 weeks old. She was hanging around Kyle's friend's house, mewing in the bushes. Lindsay called the other day and asked what they should do about it. I said catch it and bring it home. If it's a cuddle kitty we'll keep it. I've been missing having a house cat and it does get lonely around here sometimes.

Well, she's pretty cuddly. She seemed to relax right away. Lindsay is taking her to the vet tomorrow. We're pretty sure she's a female but the vet will confirm that.

So yeah, I know, I don't need any more animals. I don't care. She's a cutie-patootie.

Raccoon!

Just now I was out on the front porch drinking a soda and chatting with one of my cats. I had just put some food out. She was chowing down while I was providing dinner conversation. The bush at the corner of the house rustled and she took off. Then a raccoon poked it's head around the corner! SHEEEIT!!! I lobbed a plastic flower pot at it and clocked it right on the head. Then I threw the plastic cup I had been drinking from. It turned and went back into the bushes. I jumped up and went into the house. Then I went back out and grabbed the cat food bowl and took it in.

A few minutes later the dogs started barking like crazy. I went back out and made a bunch of noise to make sure the raccoon was sufficiently spooked. Then I let Boz out. He ran like crazy all up and own the street, peeing on everything. Um, good boy? There were probably ten raccoons up in trees watching everything he was doing. He crashed around all over the place, which was exactly what I wanted him to do. Then I put him away. I should probably let him do that for a few minutes each night just so he can get some exercise. Letting the raccoons know there's a moron on the loose might discourage them a bit. Anyway, I'll be feeding the cats in the morning from now on.

I need to catch Marty and get him to the vet for his shots. I'm sure he's overdue. I'll have to rent a trap to catch him. He's pretty much feral now. I've had good cats, I've had crummy cats, but I've never had one that was a complete asshole. Until Marty. Marty and Zoe are always in the front yard hanging out in those same bushes. Zoey's shots are up to date.

Last week after class I was walking to my car and noticed some movement out the corner of my eye. It was a skunk! Not 10 feet away! It was ambling along with its tail up and ready for action. There was a girl walking next to me and she and I noticed it at the same time. We both stopped and froze, and then backed up a few steps. Yeesh!

Freakin' wildlife.

Last night I went to Ken's to play music. I invited Jeff and Bill. I went over early to have dinner with Ken and Sherri. Just as we were finishing Trever called and told Ken that Pop was on the way to the hospital. (One of the family quirks. Bernie called Trever, who lives in Tennessee, and told him about Pop. Then Trever called Ken. Bernie is braindead.) Ken called Bernie's granddaughter and got the full story. Pop and Bernie were in a casino playing some game. He kept passing out and his hands went cold. When they couldn't wake him up they called the paramedics. That was as much as anyone knew at the time. Ken and Sherri left for the hospital, in Indio, right after John and Jeff got there. Bill showed up soon after.

The four of us jammed and had a pretty good time. It would have been great if Ken had been there. Oh well, next time. I called Ken after a couple hours. He said they were still in the ER but everything was ok. Apparently Pop is now diabetic and had gotten dehydrated. He's been struggling with bladder cancer for a few years now so his general health hasn't been so good. He was just bouncing back from the cancer and now this. Ken and Sherri said that Bernie was arguing with the doctors about it like she's some kind of diabetes expert because she also has it. They had to explain things over and over to her. Sounds like AD to me. This is who is taking care of Pop. Man, that is one bad situation.

Oh yeah, and I forgot to write about Mindy's sister. She died suddenly last weekend. I haven't gotten the latest report on the whole thing so I don't really know why. I'll catch that one up later.

So yeah, there's some family stress going on right now.

Do I have an accent?

As Jeff and I were coming down from Mt. Rube last night we were talking about song writing. I said that I thought some of my song fragments would make better poems than songs. After a little bit Jeff said, "Can I ask you a question? Don't be embarrassed." Now, when someone says something like that don't you just know an embarrassment is on the way? He said, "What kind of accent do you think you have?" I said, "I dunno...West Riverside, maybe?" He said, "Not Texas?" "No." I told him that when my folks moved to California my dad took classes to lose his Texas accent so he could be a better salesman. We were raised speaking Californianian. Jeff said he wondered if I had some traces of Texas because I said "powems" instead of "poems". He said I said it twice. Powems. I was shocked. It was also pretty damn funny.

I tried to say it again. Even when I tried to stress the POE it still came out POW. Dang! Now I'm hyper aware of it. As I was driving home (by way of the farm) I kept trying to say "poem". It kept coming out as "pome". Oh well. It was good for a laugh. Now I'm wondering what other words are possibly Texafied.

We also talked a little about Jeff's speech patterns. He said people sometimes think he has some kind of accent. I said I can see why because he has a way of flattening his vowels at the end of a sentence. I think it's just his way of adding emphasis. Just now I realized that Bill doesn't have that same quality in his speaking. Pam doesn't either. I think that all of my sibs and I speak in pretty much the same way. Well, except for Debbie. She's been in Missouri for too long. Anyway, it's kind of interesting. My ears perk up when I hear an interesting voice.

And now I'm going to go write some Edgar Allen POEtry. Damn, it still isn't coming out right!

A big pile of dirt

Yesterday evening I walked with Jeff up the Rube. Afterward, I decided to swing by Trader Joe's. I was taking the same route I would take to go back to the farm. It was still light outside so I figured, what the hell, let's go have a look at the farm. I had heard that the houses were gone and I wanted to see it before they started building. I really had to work myself up for it. I didn't know how it would affect me emotionally. The way things have been lately I wasn't so sure I wanted to put myself through more upheaval. But hey, since I'm already driving in that direction...

Boy, that was weird. It's just a big, empty hill. The fence is still up around he front with the sign I painted (We're closed. Thank you, Riverside) still hanging there. The front gate was open so I parked on the street and went up the hill. It was dark by then. I walked straight up saying, "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" the whole way. I got to the top and stood right where Dad's back door used to be. There's still a hole where the pool was, and a hole where the front of Dad's garage was, but everything else is pretty unrecognizable. Just dirt, nothing else. The boulder in the front field is still there. I didn't walk over to where our house used to be. Too dark and too dangerous. Without the farm's features you can really see how big it was.

So weird! Everything gone. Where Jim and I got married, where Stacey and Scotty, Drew and Mindy, and Dede and David had their wedding receptions, the Hoedowns, the parties, the work, the Christmas trees, where we had our horses and animals- all gone. Scraped clean. Just dirt.

I was a little surprised at how ok I was with it all. No sadness. Just WEIRD!

Blogging to stay awake

Right now there is NOTHING to do here. I had a project earlier but it could only be done at someone else's desk. Now she's back and needs to get her own work done. I'm sitting here at the empty desk, having a very hard time staying awake. Jeez, it's not even 1:00 yet. How will I make it to 4:30?

This isn't working very well. I keep having to wake myself up from these drowsy dreams. I wish I could watch Youtube. Or Naked Trucker on iTunes.

Sorry, I know this isn't the most interesting post I've ever written. Maybe I'll dink around with a graphics program.

Ok, bye.

Photos!

Click on photos to enlarge.Michele, Nancy and me and... who's that in the background? The one with the string bass? Also, check out the woman at the far left chowing down on paella.
Sybil, Ross, Nancy, Michele, me, Ron, and Carol down in front.

Great weekend!

Man, what a great weekend

I must have been starved for girlfriend talk because the whole weekend was one big yack fest. I got to knock it around with four of the best.

The drive up was uneventful and my energy was good. As the scenery changed and started looking more Sonoma County-ish I started to feel a little strange. It's just so damn beautiful up there. Southern California just can't touch it. I guess I'll always feel I belong in two places.

I arrived at Lorraine's at around 7:00 Thursday evening. They had just gotten back from a camping trip. We sat in the kitchen with her mom and drank wine and talked while they made strawberry jam. Then we switched to these rum and pomegranate juice drinks. Lorraine made them a bit strong, but they tasted like punch so they went right down. Oops. One minute I was fine and having a fabulous time, the next I was completely shit-faced. Oh, Lordy. That ended that evening.

The next morning Michele arrived. We hung out for a while and then she and I left to do a little shopping before heading to Dave and Nancy's to go to the Occidental Farmer's Market to see Amelia play with her band. Walking around the farmer's market was so wonderful. Those people are my peeps. Just a bunch of Northern California hippies. You don't see too many babies in tie-dye around here. One vendor was selling barbequed oysters. I hadn't had an oyster in five years. I got six of them! Another guy was making paella. He had three huge vats of it cooking. Right before it was ready to serve this huge line formed. It took a while to get up there but it was worth the wait. Oh man, it was delicious. I walked by there later and all three vats were scraped clean.

While we were waiting in line Amelia's band played. She was on stand-up bass. What an amazing and acomplished girl she is. She was up there looking completely confident and serene and playing beautifully. Dave and Nancy have a lot to be proud of.

Afterward we went back to the Lorenz's and dinked around on ukes. Nancy wanted some help figuring out the harmony to this one Hawaiian song. Of course, Michele and I came up with two more parts. We just can't help it.

When we got back to Lorraine's Michele and I stayed up late and watched tv. They were running a Maverick marathon. I hadn't seen that show since I was a little kid. Jeez, I was cracking up! I want to see if they have the series available on dvd. It was really funny.

The next day we went back to Dave and Nancy's for a uke workshop and dinner thing. Her hula teachers, Ron and Carol, led the workshop. Two more friends, Sybli and Ross, were also there. We went through their whole book of songs. Like, a LOT of songs. Hawaiian music is pretty simple (well, except for the words) and all of the chords they used were very familiar. Ron showed us a lot of strums. Then we broke for dinner. Kotzian showed up right about then. (Hi, Brian! Great to see you!) Hoo boy, great food. We ate out on the deck, had a lot of wonderful conversation and played with their new chickens. These three girls look almost full grown but they're still peepers. The chickens were very entertaining.

After dinner we went back inside for more uke-ing. This time Ross switched to guitar, Dave and Amelia joined us on stand-up and accoustic bass and Ron, Michele and I played ukes. Nancy, Carol and Sybil danced! Oh my god, they were so beautiful. I gave up trying to sing in Hawaiian and just played and watched them dance. Hula seems so serene and meditative and these three women were the perfect embodiment of grace and beauty. It was certainly the high point of the trip. And the sound in that room was just amazing. What a perfect night.

The next morning I got up early to go to Mary and Jon's for breakfast. Michele had other people to visit so we said goodbye. I had a lovely drive out to Napa. Lorraine and Danny showed up about 40 minutes after I got there. We had a good breakfast and a very nice visit. Mary showed me her new uke. Ok, I've found my new love. Since I can't steal Mary's uke I guess I'll have to get my own. It's a Lanikai tenor with a pick up. It's not an expensive uke, but it has a wonderful, full sound. It was great seeing Mary and Jon but like all the other visits, it was way too short. Thank you, Lorraine and Danny for taking such good care of Michele and me.

The drive home was also uneventful but my energy wasn't so good. Yuck. I had to take a lot of breaks. On the Grapevine traffic got pretty heavy and slow. It sped up once I was in LA. I was so glad to get home. And now I'm at work at my subbing gig across the hall. Looking forward to Friday so I can work on my house. I was inspired by Lorraine's and Mary's and Nancy's wonderful, comfortable homes. Mine is still so NOT there.

A dream

Oh my god, I just had the most vivid dream I've had in years. I have to get this down before it drains away.

I was at this big picnic kind of event. My whole family was there. There was also this guy, Carl, that I know from uke group. Carl is a very nice man who has this awful skin condition where there are big, flaky patches on his hands, elbows and legs. Carl was kind of following me around because he was clearly smitten with me. He kept dropping little comments about me about how cute he thought I was. Finally he said, "Donita, I want to take you to Las Vegas. I want to go out with you. I really have fun when I'm with you." I'm thinking, cool, I'll go out with Carl. Maybe the skin thing isn't contagious. Really, he's a very nice guy.

We're going to different booths and events around this picnic thing. I lose track of Carl. Inside this concert hall I meet this guy who wants to perform with our uke group but he wants to play guitar and he doesn't want anyone strumming with him. As I'm explaining to him that that won't go over so well with the uke group, Carl walks up and we go find some seats for a concert that's about to start. Carl is having trouble getting comfortable in his seat because he's so fat (in reality, Carl isn't fat. A little husky maybe, but certainly not fat. In fact, he was his normal size all through the dream. He only got fat when he sat down for the concert). Lindsay and Paige arrive and sit in the row behind us.

Suddenly Jim walks up! He's starting to walk by and I say, "Oh my god, there's JIM!!" He stops, completely startled. He was just at the event and didn't know I'd be there. The girls and I are both yelling at him, "Where have you been?!?" Carl's getting mad because he's now just lost his chance at a relationship with moi. I tell Carl to shut up, I jump up and grab Jim and drag him outside. The first thing I do is hug him real hard. Then I drag him over to a bench and just start yelling, "You're DEAD! We had a funeral for you! (Here Jim turns white and starts breathing hard) I saw you dead! I watched you die! You stopped breathing and your lips turned blue!!!" Then he says he needs to get something to eat because he feels like he's going to faint. We start walking towards the snack bar. I said, "I saw you at the mortuary! You were on a gurney covered with a blanket! Jim, I had you CREMATED! I have your ashes at home!!! If those aren't your ashes, then whose are they?!?" We get to the snack bar and Jim orders a double burger, ketchup only, just like he always did. I'm still yelling at him and he's acting like this is the most amazing news he's ever heard. I kept asking him where he's been for a year and a half.

And then I woke up, feeling like a truck ran over me. Damn, I wish it had gone on longer so I could get an answer from him. Really, the boy has some esplainin' to do. He's shown up in my dreams before and I always ask him where he's been. But those were just flashes of Jim in dreams that were patchy and chaotic. This dream was very clear and linear and it seemed to go on forever. Hoo boy.

Ok, I have to get off this computer and go pack. I've got a long drive ahead of me.