Monday...

...was just one of those days. The universe was conspiring against me.

I got up early so I could go to RCC and take the assessment test for English, math and reading. Right off the bat I was already in a bad mood. I was messing around with the usual worries, company was coming and the house was nowhere near ready. My plan was to go to RCC, take the test, go to the library and go buy a parking permit. When I got to RCC my current parking permit wasn't in my car. I have no idea where it went. Ok, so I'll just get one from the machine. I screwed it up. I didn't punch in how much time I wanted. It sucked my dollar in and gave me a permit for 30 minutes. Crap! Ok, so I'll go to the library and get what I need from there. That should take half an hour and then I'll just go back to the machine and get a permit that will give me enough time to take the test.

When I got to the library door there was a sign outside saying their hours had been cut back for the month of August and they wouldn't be open until the afternoon. Grrrr... So I went back to my car and bought another permit. So, what's a couple bucks in the grand scheme?

I went to the Assessment Center. They wouldn't let me take the test because I have a hold on my record because of my shitty grades from 33 years ago. The hold will be lifted once I finish with this Health Science class, but that didn't help me on Monday. So I left. The girl at the Assessment Center said I could go to the counseling office and get a Matriculation Appeal and then I'd be able to go back and take the test. Yeah, right. By that time I was on the verge of tears. There was no way in HELL I was going to go to any office and try to talk to anyone. I found a quiet corner behind the auditorium and sat down and tried to collect myself. After I was sure I wouldn't burst into tears if someone said boo to me I went to the cashier and bought my yearly staff parking permit. At least that went smoothly.

I had three hours to kill before going to work and I didn't feel like going home. I went downtown to Back To The Grind to get some coffee and read for a while. I parked in the back, just like I always do when I go there for uke circle...on Sundays...for free. When I came back out I had a parking ticket on my windshield. My brain was NOT working that morning. It really is a good thing I didn't take that assessment test.

I went to Applebee's for lunch. I took a notebook in with me so I could do some writing. When I'm stuck in a thought vortex it really helps to write about it. I was trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I was thinking about my being alone and what that means. The problem isn't so much being alone or being lonely. It's going through life without a committed partner to share and help handle all the details. If we had been living together in this house for several years everything would already be settled and in place. When we first moved into the house on Sunny Manor we did SO much work. All the repairs and major issues were handled right away and we did them together. I'm thinking about all of my married friends and siblings who have been living in their houses for a long time. If any of them lost their spouse they'd be dealing with their grief and everything else in the same home they've been living in for years. Yes, it would be hard because that home would be full of memories, but at least there wouldn't be any surprises. Part of my problem is there's so much that needs to be done and my brain can't hold it all. It's that half-a-brain problem again.

Yesterday I was really missing Jim. I just want to talk to him. We talked a lot. Talking was a big part of our relationship. I miss his point of view. It still kind of baffles me that he's gone. Yesterday I realized that I really am incomplete. I'm out of balance. It's like I have to now regenerate a lost appendage. I don't have him so I have to grow more of me. Weird.

See, this is why I need kittens.