Ok. I've been back and forth about whether or not to share this on me bloggy. But it's something that's influencing my life right now and I want to write about it. Last week I went to the doctor to discuss a few health concerns, mainly my weight and what I could do to get rid of some of it. Now, when I go to the doctor I cry. I always cry. I've been that way for years. I'm not afraid to go to the doctor, but once I'm there fear creeps in and takes hold. And that makes me cry. I fucking hate it.
Of course, it's worse since Jim died. So, I'm there and I can't talk because my throat is clenched tight. She asked me how long I've been depressed. I didn't really think I was depressed. Still grieving some, overwhelmed by my new life, worried about my future, but depressed? Well, ok, maybe I was. She told me about an anti-depressant that in addition to helping me feel better, would kick up my metabolism and suppress my appetite. Dude, sign me up!
Actually, it wasn't like that. We talked about it for a long time. I had taken Xanax for a while after Jim died but I wasn't consistent about it and when I felt I didn't need it anymore, I stopped. I didn't know if I really wanted to commit to taking an anti-depressant for a long period of time. This stuff is called bupropion, which is the generic version of Wellbutrin. It's mostly prescribed to help people quit smoking. I think Dad was taking it for a while, which also felt a little weird to me. But I decided to give it a try.
It's supposed to take a couple weeks before it kicks in but I felt a difference right away. Could be a placebo effect. It's a good thing I'm back on my regular work schedule because it does indeed make me pretty speedy. At first I was having a lot of trouble falling asleep, but that seems to have calmed down. It does suppress the appetite. I love that part of it. I'm losing weight.
I don't trust my emotions right now. Mostly I'm pretty evened out but there are times when I feel a little nutty. If I get angry or frustrated about something I have to let it go because I can't tell if it's the drug or my normal reaction. But mostly I feel pretty good and quite clear-headed. I feel more motivated to do things. Normally, I'm a master procrastinator but lately I'm handling things as they come up. I have lots of energy. And still it's all just a little weird.
I hope this works out. I hope it maintains its effectiveness. I hope I don't develop any nasty side effects. Goofing around with brain chemistry is risky but this stuff has been around for a long time and they pretty much know all of its quirks. So far the lowest dose is working just fine for me. I like that.
So, here we go. Better living through chemicals.
11 comments:
If you recognize that an emotional reaction could be drug-induced and you're able to let it go, that sounds like sign of reason.
-dean
oatpmf: the stuff in oatmeal that lowers cholesterol
Donita, Anti-depressants don't cause feelings - if you're feeling anger it's because you're angry. After about 2 wks you won't feel that weird jittery thing, that goes away.
Whatever works to help your body get the seratonin levels back to where they need to be. I think you're gonna be pretty happy with having some breathing room.
I know the bupropion doesn't cause anger but it might make me more apt to snap. So, I'm trying to take a pause to observe and assess what I'm feeling. I guess that's a good idea no matter what.
Dean, oatpmf also sounds like the stuff in oatmeal that helps you poop. Either way, a winner.
Today I'm going to RCC to take an assessment test. I'm a little nervous about the math part of it. I reeeeally don't want to take more math classes.
Nope, I disagree, it won't make you more apt to snap. It actually even things out so you are much slower to snap.
Why do you think an anti-depressant would result in higher anxiety/frustration/anger?
Ohhh and yes, I do agree, stepping back to assess is a good idea.
Hi Doni! I suggest you talk to Lorraine - I think she's taken wellbutrin before, and she's always a good one to talk to about how you're feeling. It's doubtful she'll read your blog - she always asks ME how you're doing!
Mary
All I can say is I feel differently than normal. Yes, I feel better but there is also an edginess that wasn't there before. I'm waiting to see if it goes away along with the other side effects that are present right now.
But really, even with the odd emotional stuff everything is better. And I LOVE the appetite suppressing quality of this stuff. That trumps everything.
Mary- I've been trying to drag Lorraine into the 20th century for a while now. Trying to get her into the 21st century is way too much to ask.
So, is she taking Wellbutrin? Gee, maybe I should ask HER.
I've taken welbutrin both the time release and the not time release.
Give it 2 to 3 wks and that jittery feeling will be gone. Soon you won't feel any effects of it, other than having breathing room.
That's what I figured. But please, please, oh please, let the appetite suppressant effect linger, like, forever!
I don't think she's taking the welbutrin now; she goes on and off of stuff, but I believe she has taken it. She is also taking something to supress her appetite so she, the ever-so-heavy :) can lose weight, but I don't know what that one is, either.
Mary
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