Feeling meh. Life in general is pretty great, but there are some important pieces missing. Mainly, a job. Income. Something to do, someplace to go every day. Cash flow. If I had that, pretty much everything else would take care of itself.
I know I say I'm doing fine, but a lot of the time I'm not. Not fine, not ok. This isn't a comfortable place for me. I know there are a lot of people in this world who are never happy, even when things are going well. I'm not like that. I'm a naturally happy person. Happy is my default setting. I can be happy when everything is complete shit. I relied heavily on this natural tendency when I was going through all that stuff some years ago. Even as a grieving widow who was caring for a crazy Alzheimer's dad, I was pretty perky.
But damn it, being unemployed is fucking depressing and this is my second stint. The last time I was unemployed for a year and a half. This time, it's almost been a year. It was a huge mistake taking that stupid job at the water department, but even if I had stayed where I was I would have been out of a job in a few months anyway. My old boss was caught stealing from the company and that whole office was shut down. Awesome.
Depression is spiritually and psychically immobilizing. Since leaving the job from hell last March I have done some productive things, which were wonderfully diverting, but all that means is I got some work done and did some fun stuff while the money drained away. All that time I've been in the same situation I'm in now. I get up every morning, do some shit, and then go to bed at night. I can't keep doing this.
So I have to do something to make it all better while the tedious task of searching for a job continues. There are some big events looming ahead (I shouldn't put it like that. It's all going to be fun) and there is a lot that needs to get done before then. I need to plow through the fog and get it on. Rock and roll, goddammit!
A new set of mantras would help. "Right foot, left foot, repeat" is a good one and it's gotten me through a lot. So, let's see...
- Make sure you do at least one thing every day that will move things forward. More than one thing if you can manage it.
- Putter. There is power in a good putter.
- More out than in. This has been an important one in the past. Start using it again. This means I have to get rid of more stuff and bring in less. Sell, sell, sell!
- Move your ass! Keep exercising. This also means sticking to the diet (10 pounds lost so far).
- More art, more music, more comedy. Especially more comedy.
- More people. I tend to let myself get isolated. I don't like that.
I guess that'll do for a start. Just keep going. Force myself to keep going. It does feel good to be productive and this stupid job situation won't last forever. I'm broadening the search. You may see me in an orange vest flipping that sign that says STOP and SLOW. I might be your barista. Something will come along.
By the way, this is NOT a cry for help. I don't need anyone to get all concerned and try to fix anything. I appreciate the job alerts, (thanks for those) but no one needs to do anything for me. I'm glad I have so many great friends. We'll keep doing what we do.