Friday, December 31, 2010


I just read all my posts from 2005. Holy shit! How did we get through that year without losing our minds?

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Had myself a good bawl.

It was awesome. Man, I wish I could do that more often. I get to feeling so stuck and aimless and restless and blocked. I walk around feeling like I'd love to have a good cry but it never seems to bubble up to the surface. This one came from out of nowhere (well, not really), just snuck up on me fast. And even while I was in the throes of it I was glad it showed up.

I just got back from the family Christmas thing in San Luis Obispo. Dede brought out some things that came from Dad's house for us all to go through. There was a box of cards and stuff from when Mom died. She also has Dad's date books from 1960 on until 2007 or so. I knew that Dad had kept date books, but I thought that was only in the later years when he needed help remembering things. I was never aware of the earlier books. They mostly dealt with running his businesses, so I figure he probably kept them in his briefcase and only used them while at work. Anyway, I don't remember seeing them when I was growing up.

We read through three of them. These were the ones from the years when Drew, Dede and Stacey were born. I think we all wanted to see how Dad recorded these major life events and maybe even hoped for some insights, or at least a nice story. Nope. Just one line for Stacey's birth. And the page for Drew's birthday was torn out. I don't remember what was written about Dede. Anyway...

But the rest of the pages were filled with notes about his business. He recorded purchases of gasoline and oil changes. He listed the restaurants where he would take clients for breakfast or lunch back in his salesman days. He wrote about some of the things that needed to be done, or what had been done to maintain his trucks and other equipment. He also wrote notes to himself about motivational techniques and ways to deal with (manipulate) customers. When he was relaxed and just making a to-do list the handwriting was even and clearly legible. When he was writing his raging thoughts about ways to improve himself the writing was more harsh and pointed and strayed through the lines of the page. It was like he was trying to get the words down as fast as he could before losing his train of thought. These same ideas were repeated over and over throughout the books, throughout the years, and he always talked about the things he should do to improve himself, and not so much about what he had actually accomplished. I wish he could have acknowledged his own successes in that quest.

I'll connect this all later.

Before Christmas we had some very heavy rains. I noticed a big stain on the ceiling of the tv room. Shit. The roof is leaking. And since we've been back I see the stain has been joined by a few more. I don't know how bad the leak is or how much it will cost to have it fixed, but I do know that when this roof was put on the old gravel roof was left in place. It seems like everything the previous owners did to this place was half-assed. This roof is about ten years old. It shouldn't be leaking.

I've already got some major projects that need to be done. I didn't figure on having to get a new roof. I'm now unemployed, but I have some cash reserves. I was hoping to hang onto as much of that as I can, but I'll do whatever needs to be done to preserve this house. This roof situation is one more thing to add to the list of things that are getting me down right now. I don't think my mind is functioning all that well these days. When things get like this I'm reminded of how much I depended on Jim. I miss my partner. Neither of us was all that good on our own, but together we got things done. We were very good that way.

After wasting most of today watching tv, reading and goofing off on the computer I decided I really need to get out of this house. Earlier I did do something that might help me get out of this funk, or at least help me organize my thoughts and give me some direction. I made a form to help me stay focused and motivated for the next few months while I'm trying to get some very important things accomplished, namely, searching for a job, working on my bathroom, and getting myself prepared for gastric bypass surgery. Lately I've been spinning my wheels on all three. I printed out several copies of the form and put them in a binder. In that binder are copies of my resume and different cover letters to go with the different positions I've applied for. I also have copies of my letters of reference. I'm hoping all this will help me to be more organized with this job search.

I decided to go see True Grit. I took a shower and went into my room to get ready to go. I kept thinking about my stuck situation and thought maybe I should stop by Staples and get one of those Dad date books before I go to the movie. As soon as that thought hit me I was overcome with a blast of emotion. I let loose with a good one. I haven't cried like that in quite a while. I was a little worried the neighbors might hear me! Oh man, I needed that. Really, I feel better.

I know I'll be able to handle what I need to handle. I don't want to spend the money, but at least I have it. As I sat on my bed recovering from my excellent wail I was thinking I could really use a mentor or a counselor or someone like that. A non-spiritual spiritual advisor. I don't want a therapist (at least not right now), but it would be nice to have some wise person to talk things out with who wouldn't want to muck up the conversation with God talk, or advice on crystals and herbs. Years ago I took a meditation class from a Buddhist nun. That was pretty cool. It made me feel very peaceful and clear, but I wasn't always keen on her beliefs. Buddhists aren't ever supposed to get angry about anything, and I think that sometimes getting royally pissed off is the appropriate response for some situations.

Ok, I'm going to dry my hair and go to the movies. And buy a datebook.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Blogging from "work".

There's not a whole lot I can do right now. I'm waiting for Vacant to show up. Remember her? There are some reports that need to be done but they're in a program I don't have access to. She was supposed to be here an hour ago. So, I'm wasting your tax dollars and mine surfing the tubes and blogging.

Yesterday I had lunch at Marie Callender's. When the waiter came to my table he addressed me as "Miss". Ok, this is a pet peeve. To all young men out there- Do NOT call a middle-aged woman Miss. You might think we'd be flattered by that, but it just feels weird. I'm 54 years old and solidly in the Ma'am category. I've been getting Ma'am since I was in my twenties and reall, it's ok. The first time was a bit jarring but I quickly got over it.

I think they handle this better in the South. Women young and old are addressed as Ma'am and no one even thinks about it. Older men will often address younger men as "Sir". It's a sign of mutual respect. A little Southern gentility wouldn't be a bad idea all around.

It also bothers me when a younger female addresses a much older female as honey or sweetie. Maybe she's tring to be comforting, like in a hospital setting, but to me it's disrespectful. It sounds almost like a tactic to keep elderly patients docile and submissive. Maybe some old ladies like being treated that way, but I'd guess that most do not. Honey and sweetie are terms that are too forward and familiar for someone who was raised during an era when manners and customs were more formal. It is the privilege of the older woman to refer to the younger woman in that way.

Besides, the only people who can get away with that are gay men.

So, young man, don't call me Miss. Ma'am is perfectly acceptable. So is Your Majesty.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Facebook killed my blog.

But it's not totally dead yet.

It's raining, like, big time. There's a leak in my roof. I'm hoping it doesn't develop into something big and ugly before I can afford to get it fixed, which might be quite a long time. My job at RCC ends on Thursday, maybe even tomorrow if I get all my work done and if I feel like getting the hell out of there. Really I've checked out of that place, mentally and emotionally. I just don't give a shit.

I've been applying here and there, all online. My resume has been updated and I think it's in pretty good shape. I've applied for several jobs at RCC, but I think I'll never get an interview there. I just haven't yet figured out which hoop they want me to jump through. RCC has become a dead end, but I'll still keep applying. So yeah, after this week I'll be unemployed. Feels weird.

I'm in my usual Christmas funk. I never used to be that way. It's been creeping up the last few years. I just don't get into it anymore. I like our little family's Christmas Eve and I love going to Dede's. I just don't like what the rest of the world does with Christmas. And, of course, the whole thing would be more fun if I had money to spend. But we're in the home stretch now. January is just around the corner, but January isn't without its baggage. So, after the 18th I can settle in and start enjoying the new year?

I'll be starting school again. Just a walking class to satisfy the PE requirement and to get me closer to the front of the line for Spring registration. If you miss one major semester you fall off the face of the planet. I'm glad to be going to school again.

I need to find a way to be happy again. There are some very good things happening in my life, and they're helping me to have some happy and contented moments, but the general picture isn't that good. Fear is creeping in again. Procrastination has me by the ankles. The inertia sofa beckons.

SO! I blog! Wow! I just realized that this IS helping me to feel better. I do enjoy writing. I enjoy the creative act of getting it all down in a way that entertains me (and you). Ok, that's one treatment for this funk I can try.

I feel like I need something to look forward to. It would also help if I felt like I was in control of some aspects of my life. Ok, so make plans. Going to school is good. Exercise is good. Taking this class means I'll be walking every day for six weeks straight. I was thinking it might be fun to volunteer at KVCR. Just a thought.

Ok, what are some other positive things I can include in my life?

Joining the Claremont ukulele group (I haven't played much in months).
Work on the house. Progress on the front bathroom is kind of actually happening.
Diet (New Years resolution anyone?). No, really, I have to to qualify for bariatric surgery.
Make some art, bitch!

Wow, that rain is really coming down.