Friday, September 18, 2015

New doctor. Not happy.

So for a long while there I didn't have health insurance.  When Obamacare kicked in I got a basic, no frills insurance package at a reasonable cost.  I used it just once when I went in for what I thought was a check up, but turned out to be a consultation with a physician's assistant who rolled her eyes when I said I used cannabis.  The State of California finally realized that I'm still too poor to pay for health insurance so they signed me up for IEHP, which meant I needed to find a new doctor, which was fine since I really didn't want to go back to the one I never saw in the first place.

So now I'm with Riverside County Regional Medical Clinic in MoVal.  When I signed up I told them I wanted a female doctor.  At this point in my life I'd rather deal with a woman when I'm having my lady bits looked at.  Well, today I got to meet Dr. Nathan McL---, a humorless, YOUNG, less-attractive version of Elija Wood.  Doogie Howser/Frodo.

First he took down all my information and then we got down to business.  I told him that I have an itchy spot on the back of my head which I suspected was a fungus.  He had me lower my head so he could poke around in my hair.  He asked, "Wow, when did you crack your head open?"  I'm like, huh?  I told him I've never had any kind of injury back there.  He said, "Well, you have quite a scar back here.  Are you sure you've never had a head injury?"  Again, no.  He said, "Oh.  Yeah, you have a fungus."


Then it was time to do the gyno exam so he stepped out of the room while I changed into the ever-attractive paper gown.  Only it wasn't a gown, just a paper cover sheet.  I took off my clothes and hopped up on the table and wrapped the cover sheet around me as best I could.  He came back in with the assistant, who also looked very, very young.  He barked at her about my not having a proper gown and then ducked behind the curtain.  She quickly grabbed one for me.  It ripped as I was putting it on and it didn't cover me nearly as well as the plain cover sheet.  Then I said I was ready but he didn't come out.  I said, "Olly olly oxen free!"  Jeez.

I laid back and assumed the position.  Right away he goes in for a labia jab.  I jumped, which must have looked pretty funny from his end.  My ass left the table!  He asked, "Was that painful?"  I said, "No, but you gotta let me know when you're going in.  Don't sneak up on me like that."  He said, "You seem kind of jumpy."  Yeah, no shit, Dr. Einstein.  Let me poke you in your nut sack and see if you can keep still.

Worst pelvic exam ever.  Except he didn't stick his finger up my butt.  I was grateful for that.  But really, dude.  I sure I don't have the most attractive old lady hoo-ha you've ever seen, but could you at least not treat it like it's some kind of threat?

Then it was time for the breast check, which he performed with the same finesse as the pelvic exam.  Dude, it's not a taffy pull.  You're not fluffing a lumpy pillow.  I probably don't have cancer but I'm pretty sure I left there with some bruises.

It'll be six months before I get a raise so I'm stuck with this guy for a while.  As soon as I can I'm going back to Kaiser and my old, female doctor.  She's good at what she does and she laughs at my jokes.  Doogie Frodo is not good at his job.