Not counting chickens

Both Scotty and Dr.Debbie sent me this job posting at RCC. It's a full-time receptionist job on campus that really seems like a prefect match for me. I've updated my application and Dr. Deb's going to write a letter of recommendation. I really think I have a shot at this one.

But boy, thinking about the possibility of getting it really messed with my head this afternoon. Last night was horrible. I was tossing and turning as the clock kept ticking off the hours. I was awake, awake, awake and totally consumed by worry, frustration and anger. I don't know if it was the bupropion, or my fears catching up to me or a combination of everything that has happened in the last couple years. Whatever it was, it fucked with me good. I had a glass of wine, hoping it would relax me. I got up and had a bowl of cereal, hoping for a carbo crash. Nothing helped. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. And when I did finally get to sleep my dreams were disjointed and awful. My dead kitty, Katie, showed up and made the dream sad. I got up and started making lists, just trying to get the shit out of my head. It was just plain awful.

Today at work it took me about two hours before I felt like I actually arrived. I was doing other things, personal things like faxing forms to Kaiser and Agilent. But it was a good work day and I got to end it by playing around with a graphics program. Tonight was my first American History class so I did the usual school night thing and went to a restaurant for dinner. On my way there I started thinking about the possibility of getting that job. It's full-time and it would more than double my take home pay. It would also be like getting a $500 a month raise because I'd have medical benefits for Paige and me. If I got that job it would be about 2 years sooner than planned. That would do it. That would fix everything. I was thinking wow, what will it be like to not live my life in constant fear? Suddenly I was overcome by a wave of emotion that smacked me good and hard. I started crying, sobbing. My eyes were burning because the eye cream I applied this morning mixed with tears and bathed my eyeballs in stinging chemicals. I could barely drive and there was no place to pull over. I laughed because it was such a ridiculous situation.

I pulled up to a merciful stop light, being careful not to rear-end the car in front of me. I had just cleaned out the car so there were no tissues, no napkins from Del Taco, nothing absorbent I could use to wipe my eyes. Oh well, my blouse was black so I used my sleeve. I had a couple more shudders of weeping and then got to the restaurant. I went to my table wearing sunglasses.

Jeez-o-friggin'-pete! I've been worried and scared and frustrated and overwhelmed and it SUCKS but I thought I was doing ok. I didn't know how truly afraid I was. Just the thought of not having to be afraid was enough to cause an explosion. The release took me over. I do think I have a decent chance of getting that job. It matches my skills and experience pretty well and I have GREAT references. But even if I don't, there was so much value in finding out how much fear I was holding inside of me. Oh man, I feel so much better.

So yeah, I'm not counting my chickens. But tonight at dinner I did make a list of all the stuff I'm going to do when I have money!