Wednesday, January 26, 2011


I've got to get this down before it slips away.

I was somewhere in the Middle East. I was with a caravan of some kind, traveling with, I dunno, a band of thieves maybe? They had several gold bars they were transporting in this odd casket made of stone, which doesn't make any sense at all since gold is so heavy. Why carry it in a box made of stone? One of the guys foolishly let some thug types know that we were carrying gold. We were safe as long as we stayed together and no one fell asleep. We were trying to quickly come up with a plan for hiding the gold and getting the hell out of there.

We were staying in a hut of some kind. Domestic animals were everywhere, like you see in the movies. Cattle, goats and dogs were tied up or walking around. One black goat kept coming into the hut. Every time I shooed it out it tried to bite my finger. I was thinking, jeez, these aren't like petting zoo goats. These are mean goats. Anyway...

Suddenly we were all in my dad's house, which wasn't on the farm, but on a busy highway somewhere in Oregon. Now the band of thieves were gone and my family was there, but we were still trying to figure out where to hide the gold before the mafia guys showed up to take it. How appropriate that we were in Dad's house. I was looking around and found an elephant figurine that had a hollow space in the base. Good place to hide something, but not several gold bars. I decided to take a walk and think about where a good hiding place would be.

I left the house and headed for the park. I realized I had left wearing only my nightgown. I felt like an idiot strolling through the park in my nightie. Then I remembered I had a friend who does concrete casting. We could hide the gold in some of her large garden ornaments. I headed for her garden ornament factory. She wasn't there so I went back to the house.

As I was crossing the street an older gentleman in a car slowed down and wanted to talk to me. I kept going towards the house and told him to come on in (I really wanted to get dressed). He asked my name and said he had a special delivery for me. It was a paper lunch bag, folded flat so it could be used as an envelope. It was from my grandmother, Nana.

In it was a very complicated pile of papers. A letter from Nana, some coupons, a postcard of the Titanic, and what looked like a magazine article. We (my family and the old delivery guy) kept going through the papers, reading and trying to figure it out. From Nana's weird letter we sort of figured out the story. Years before when I had visited her in Texas, I had brought my portfolio and some of my gift wrap paper. I had given some to a guy that owned a big department store. Nana had entered some contest and won. She was surprised when her prize arrived wrapped in some of my paper. She also learned that the owner had entered me in a sweepstakes and I had won. But we couldn't figure out what my prize was.

Then, in the package of papers we found a little plastic toy police car. We also noticed a picture of that same toy car on one of the papers from the store. The deal was you put a battery in the police car and flipped a switch. If the lights went on and a siren went off it meant you won. Of course, no one could find a battery.

I left and went to this fast food place. It was crowded. This small woman came in and for some reason she was really angry with me and wanted to fight. I tried talking to her but she started swinging punches so I had to fight her. She was so small I had no trouble subduing her. But she kept swinging, so I dragged her around the floor for a while. There was a Christmas tree in the corner, so I tipped it over, stuck her on top and pushed it upright. That took the fight out of her.

I stepped up to the counter to get something to drink. I turned around and Bobby Moynihan from SNL was in line behind me. Then a woman stepped up who had a similar pile of papers about a sweepstakes. It was the same contest. Her pile was incomplete and she didn't have the little police car.

We were trying to figure it all out when I woke up.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Hoo boy. I screwed up.

Got a big, fat letter from the IRS. They say I owe almost $2,000 tacked on to last year's taxes. I compared their info to my tax return and discovered there was one statement that didn't get included. It's from one of my investment accounts. I called my tax guy to discuss it with him, but I already knew I was screwed. He just confirmed it. I must pay.

Gonna be more careful this year.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Water hates me.

Water is not a friendly element for me. Sure, I need it to survive, but right now I'm finding it hard to be grateful. I think it's keeping me alive just so it can fuck with me.

The drain for the washing machine clogs up from time to time. A guy at Home Depot suggested this drain cleaner that works better than anything I've ever tried. This stuff is the shit. It works. Usually when the drain clogs I can hear water dribbling out the top of the pipe. Not a big problem. I just add some miracle de-clogger and in ten minutes we're good to go. Well, last night when Paige was doing laundry I heard water blasting out of that pipe. I ran into the kitchen and found a fountain shooting up about two feet! EEK! Usually when the pipe is clogged I can start/stop the washer to get the tub drained before pouring in the de-clogger. Nope. Damn, there was soooo much water on the floor.

De-clogger ain't workin'. Right now I have the washer completely unhooked and pulled away from the wall. The dryer is also pulled out. I figure while I'm working on the washer I might as well change the dryer vent tube (3 years old). I'm going to have to unhook the whole drain assembly and try reaming it out myself. If that fails then call the plumber. Ugh!

Speaking of the plumber. I need him to come out and take a look at the brand new shower valve that was installed a few weeks ago. The shower won't turn completely off and it constantly dribbles. THAT was supposed to be something that I could completely cross off my list, my freakin' LONG list of shit this house needs.

Other ways that water hates me-

A leaky sink faucet in the other bathroom
A kitchen faucet that runs at glacial speed
Broken sprinkler heads
Leaky roof
A yard on the side of a hill that drains towards the house when it rains
A brand new windshield wiper that failed within days of installation
A post-menopausal bladder that demands an available toilet within ten paces or else.

Yes, I know that all these problems are mechanical and not really water's fault. But I'm not letting water off the hook. Air doesn't give me much trouble, except for when it's whistling through my crappy windows. Earth behaves itself rather well, and so far fire seems to know its place, although I know these two could really wreak havoc if they choose to get uppity.

Ok, time to get back to that washer. But first I need a drink.