I had a scream out with Dad on the phone this morning. I don't think I could remember everything that was said, it went too fast. I unloaded on him pretty good, tho. Sorry, I was provoked.
Dede and David are coming this weekend and we're going to have a sibs meeting without Dad. Boy, do I need it. Dad has been feeling better lately so he thinks he doing better. He thinks he can handle stuff just fine. But he really can't. Every day we see it more and more.
He doesn't want anyone to know he has Alzheimer's. But it's very obvious to anyone who knows him. So when he finds out that someone has figured it out he thinks I told them. Then he accuses me of not honoring his wishes.
He wanted to know why I was avoiding him. When I tried to explain to him that his behavior in Texas hurt me and reminded me of past abuse he accused me of holding a grudge and demanded my forgiveness. Painful memories from childhood don't add up to a grudge. You don't just tell someone to get over it.
God, my throat is tight right now.
He needs to be made to understand that he has a serious problem and that he needs to make some major changes in his life. He can't go throwing his weight around with us. I see a big ol' train wreck coming and Stan is the engineer. I don't know how to deal with this. I think the whole family needs to get tough with him. Make him understand he needs our help. Make him understand he HAS to go along with what we see is the best for him. He can't fight it anymore.
Today he and Timio are going out to buy more farm supplies.
8 comments:
My heart goes out to you Donita.
I do think you need to enlist the help of your siblings...let them know they need to tell him that everyone already knows, that his own behavior is telling everyone.
I know in my own MIL situation she is controlling the only thing(s) that she can and it sounds like he is desperately trying to control what he can because so much is out of his control.
Does he have any outside insurance (such as SCAN) so that maybe they can send someone over to help a few hours a week? It really sounds like you need another to help out so that he gets outside perceptions from a non-interested party? And it will give you and Jim some breaks.
You and your sibs might also try and meet with your dad and put all the stuff on the table right in front of him. He already suspects you guys are discussing him behind his back, maybe if you involve him (after you and the sibs decide upon a course of action) then maybe he'll be less likely to divide and conquer and/or will feel more involved with whats going on.
You know it might seem like your dad is still *with it* but perhaps he really isn't. Perhaps the behavior is already driven by the disease and he can't help it. That said I'm sure the way you guys have to deal with him needs to morph from thinking he's lucid to thinking he's no longer responsible for any of his behavior?
I've checked out this site: http://www.alzfdn.org/education-care/index.shtml and it looks pretty detailed. Check out the left hand side column under Education and Care.
Thanks, Virginia.
I know my sibs will help where it's needed. They're already doing that. They're not around him as much as we are but I'm sure they see the changes. Lately, it's reached the point where we need more back up.
We've had two family meetings with Dad. Both were productive but not as much as they would have been if Dad hadn't been so much in denial. We've had to nudge him along on this stuff. He'll agree to something and then change his mind. Or he'll forget we ever had the conversation.
One thing he won't be able to do is divide and conquer. He can't play us against each other. United we are. We've been trying to keep him involved but if he has too much control over something he'll screw it up somehow. I think it's reaching the point where we'll just have to take over some things without him knowing about it.
I think bringing in an outside party is out of the question at this point. Dad would have a fit. He doesn't really need care, he needs help. We're all willing to give him all the help he needs. The problem is, he doesn't think he needs it.
I think Dad's behavior is still his own although the Alzheimer's has probably taken away some of his self-restraint. At this point I feel he can still be mostly responsible for his behavior. I'm willing to cut him some slack. I do think he can be made to understand that his days of being a big shot are over. It's time for him to give up control. We will always try to honor and respect his wishes. But if we wants our help he has to honor our commitment and sacrifice. He doesn't get that yet.
Right now I'm pretty mad at him. At this moment tying him to a chair seems like the best solution. Since I can't do that, I'll present this stuff to the sibs when we meet on Sunday night. They read this blog so I know they know what's been going on. They and their spouses are good, smart people. That's 10 people on the case. They'll come up with better ideas than mine (like taking Dad out to the desert).
Thanks for the website info. I'll check it out.
I walked up Mt. Rubidoux. I feel better.
I know I can't get into arguments with Dad. That's always been a useless endeavor and now it's even more so. Today he asked me why I was mad at him and I told him and he couldn't handle it. Next time I'll just say I need a break from him. I'm pretty sure he'll understand that.
I went to that website. I like the suggestion about distracting the angry Alzheimer's patient with a snack or an activity. Next time he gets surly I'll toss him a cookie.
If you need to distract him, I can toss cookies, heh...
Brownies are good distractions too. And have the added bonus of health benefits!
Maybe you should hire a bikini model, who will accompany you to all of your Stan encounters. She could wear a bathrobe. But, whenever Stan starts to rage, she could throw it open and, hey, she's wearing a bikini! Nothing is more distracting than that!
Um, hon, I think this is more a fantasy of yours than a helpful suggestion. Besides, I don't think he needs that kind of stimulation. It's bad enough wrangling him when he's grumpy and demanding. I really couldn't handle it if he got "frisky".
I'll send all my extra bikini models your way.
I think the brownie idea is a good one. Especially if they're "special" brownies. Actually, I've read that the ganja is good for Alzheimer's. But I'm not sure if it's for the patient or the caregiver.
Ewwww, it always creeps me out to think of parents getting frisky.
Wait a minute, I'm a parent.
I should seek therapy.
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