I've been back from Texas almost a week and I'm having trouble getting back into my exercise routine. I may be mildly depressed.
That trip kind of knocked me down. It's been a long time since I've had the kind of treatment that I got from Dad last week. I moved away from home to get away from that. Being with Dad and having him blow up at me like that reminded me how much I hate it. Just thinking about it makes me pretty angry.
I know that it's partly because of the Alzheimer's. But only partly. Dad was like this when we were growing up. He was always nasty and abusive when he was angry. Winning an argument was always the most important thing to him and to hell with anyone's feelings. It's hard to feel sorry for him when his behavior brings back so many unpleasant memories and body sensations. It's also hard for me to feel any kind of love for him right now. How can I love someone who makes me feel so bad? It would make me sick if I made my children feel like that.
Eventually I'll get over it. But I have to do something to help myself right now. I was feeling so fabulous before I went to Texas. I exercised every day and I was sticking to the diet. Now I keep making these false starts. It doesn't help that Sherri is in Kentucky right now. How dare Tiffany get married? What about meeeee????
So, help me out here. Drag me up Rubidoux. Call me for walks. Take me out dancing. Encourage me to eat right.
Take Dad for a ride in the desert...
6 comments:
My ass needs to be kicked as well. I'll be there Monday. I have a guy coming in to check my sprinklers tomorrow afternoon, but I should still be able to make it. This summer I'll have more time also.
Even if we go later than 6 it would be fine with me. If you're a little late, don't cancel just call me and let me know. Walking at 6:30 or 7 would be nice because it would be cooler. Jim wants to walk in the morning. I told him I want to do it in the evening but maybe I'll just go twice tomorrow. A big jumpstart like that might be just the ticket.
I think it would be kind of fun if we found other things to do for exercise this summer. It will get pretty hot up on Rubidoux even in the evening. Lindsay does Salsa dancing at Sevilla. They have a beginning group and they give lessons at each session. I'm going to look into that. Then there's the contra dance group but they're only once a month.
I'm not suggesting that you should take up a new hobby. I just want to try different things. But now that I think about it, it might be a good way to meet some babes.
I don't know if Jim will be so hot on this dancing thing. We square danced when we first moved to Santa Rosa and he enjoyed it.
What say you, Jim? You have to try it at least once.
Ok, I know I'm going a little nuts here. You guys bear with me, ok?
One or two things to remember:
Getting out to get some exercise gets you away from the house, away from Evil Stan.
Walk away, just walk away Donita. Arguments can only be a win/lose situation if you argue back. There isn't any losing by walking away, he might think he's won but if you walk away at the very beginning, you'll be less stressed, you've won because you haven't been manipulated. He's not going to carry the anger around for 40 more years but it might just stay with you.
Your dad is still pretty lucid, right? You might think about making a stand with him. Let him know you won't stand for his behavior. He knows he's pretty dependent upon you and Jim and maybe he'll understand that his treatment of you, Jim and family hinges upon respectful exchanges. He does it because he can, because it's always worked because you've always been the child to him.
Hopefully it will be something he can remember on an ongoing basis when he's lucid. My understanding is that the combative nature of Alzheimers only gets worse...so it might be time to find out what your options are in the event he gets so stressed that his acting out gets worse fast.
It's a hell of a way to live being verbally battered when he's lucid and when he's not. So don't forget physical exercise helps a ton with stress.
I don't really try to win arguments with Dad. It's not like trying to get someone to understand your point of view. You could never do that with him anyway.
It's more about the way I'm being treated. When I would try to get him to take his meds or stay away from the wrong foods he'd get downright snotty so the only thing I could do was give up and walk away.
And really, I can let it go most of the time. It's when he's treating someone else badly that I can't let him continue. It was wrong of him to use that little girl as an object just to get back at me. It was wrong of him to be nasty to that woman on the plane. He barks orders and whistles at waitresses. He pushes people around because he thinks he entitled to get what he wants.
Nobody can push your buttons like your parents. It's because they installed those buttons. Those bad memories and feelings run deep because the abusive treatment happened often and over a long period of time (like my whole childhood and teen years).
In many ways he was a great dad. But oh, in many ways he wasn't. When his nastiness surfaces those sickening feelings come back fresh and potent.
So, yeah, I exercise. I sing with the band. I hang out with my friends. I blog. All of this helps.
It also helps to have a life partner like Jim.
True enough on the button installation. I keep trying to break mine. Or at least disable them a bit. I suppose it's easier for me since both of my parents are no longer around to push them.
Some of your dads behavior reminds me of my own rebellious nature. If someone tries to *make* me do something I dig in. Not pretty, not happy with that in myself but there it is.
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