The most recent wave of grief has passed. Now I'm just dealing with little pockets of grief that show up from time to time. Tonight was one. Ken and John and I got together to play. It was a good, productive practice but slightly subdued. John recently found out he has skin cancer. He's in the middle of getting tests done. Today he had an MRI but of course they can't tell him anything yet. We're all worried for him and we're hoping for the best. So, tonight he wasn't his usual peppy self.
We went through a lot of songs and some of them sounded really good. They'll be great once we get all the vocals figured out. Then Ken and John started messing around with A Whiter Shade Of Pale. Ken told me to sing but there's just no way I could have. It's going to be a very long time before I'll be able to sing that song. That was totally a Jim thing. He had that organ part down and he played it brilliantly. I started to cry. I felt like I did at the Sonoma County party but it didn't last as long. I just feel a little blasted right now. It's when that kind of thing comes up that I really feel the loss.
Lots of emotional stuff going on right now. Lots of self doubt. I wonder if I can actually make it on my own. I've been applying for some jobs online, just putting a toe in for now. My health insurance program comes up for review next month. I don't know how that will turn out. I'm paying way to much as it is. I'm hoping for a job that includes health benefits. We'll see.
So far this has been a shitty year.
5 comments:
"So far this has been a shitty year" ?!? That's like saying Dick Cheney is a little controlling.
You don't have to make it on your own. You've got loads of friends and family. And whatever financial problems you have to deal with--like the nightmare of health insurance in a rabidly capitalist country (Have you seen "SiCKO" yet?), you're not going to starve or be without shelter.
You might have to get rid of some of that Halloween stuff, though.
If you can get the time to come out here for my Superbowl/housewarming party, I'll buy your plane ticket. You'll have to make an appetizer in the shape of a football, though.
--dean
Aw, don't mind me. I'm just having a little pity party.
I just felt a little weird after getting back from Ken's. And yes, I do have to make it on my own. I know I won't be pushing a cart but I can't be a load on my family and friends. That ain't no kind of life.
I'm on a roller coaster the goes up and down and sideways. Sometimes it goes steadily and smoothly straight. The whole thing, not just losing Jim, boggles my mind. Ok, since I'm already in poor me mode...
I lost Jim.
I'm the primary care-giver for my Alzheimer's father, who isn't always very nice.
I have to handle everything that Jim used to handle.
I don't always know how.
Funds are dwindling.
I'm moving.
My father has to move (big drama).
Gotta find a job.
Would you hire someone who hasn't worked in 17 years?
Life is life, like it is for everyone else.
Suck it up.
Ok. That's a partial list of the crap that bangs around in my head. And since I don't want to get sucked down into the vortex of helplessness, desperation and failure I give myself pep talks throughout the day. I try to keep moving forward. Action cures almost anything. Today was productive. I did a lot of TCB. That made me feel a little healthier.
I'm just looking forward to the day where I'm not constantly sighing and saying, "Oh my GOD!" every five minutes. I know that day will come. It's only been 6 months.
Here's what happens several times a day. The thoughts rush in, I sigh heavily and say, "Oh my GOD!!!". Then I shake my head in astonishment. Then I giggle insanely for a few seconds. Then I say, "Oh well, what the hell." and continue on with my day.
It happens all the time.
Ok, enough navel gazing. I know I'm going to be ok. It just seems like right now I'm moving down this path with a lot of flailing and bumping into trees. Eventually things will calm down.
Oh yeah, I haven't seen Sicko, I am planning to get rid of most of the Halloween stuff, when I come to see you I will buy my own plane ticket and I will make a football-shaped cream cheese loaf.
Wait, there are days when most people don't say, OMG! ?
It has been a short time even tho I'm sure some days it's feels longer, especially the stretch before you.
Metamorphisis is hard I think.
See, where you stop and say "What the hell?" most people keep going down the tunnel and pretty soon they're living in the dark letting their toenails grow. So I don't know where you got your mental stability tools, because it obviously wasn't your dad, but they came through from somewhere.
Well, your friends lamely try to cheer you up. We wouldn't know what the hell to do either.
--dean
Thank you, everybody, for sticking with me. I just need to rant sometimes.
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