I don't need anyone to fix anything for me. I'm not looking for a pep talk. I just gotta get some shit out.
Today has been a bit sucky. Nothing happened to make it sucky, things just kind of piled up in my head. It took me a while to figure it out but I think I've got it now.
I need for something good to happen. There's not a lot I can point to right now and say yeah, that's something that's going well. I've got too many things, unfinished things hanging over my head. I have too much uncertainty, fear and self-doubt. I feel like my life will never be as good as it was. I also feel like I have very little control over how things are going to go.
I need order. Just a little while ago I went out and bought myself a desk. I haven't had a central place for mail, bills and paperwork since we moved here. Things get misplaced. So, now I can at least get all that under control.
Really, I just want something good to happen. I want the universe to bestow some kind of gift upon me. Just a little something (or a big something) that lets me know that yes, sometimes things can go my way.
I just dropped Paige off at the Plaza. She asked me to get doughnuts to take to band practice tomorrow morning. On the way to the doughnut shop it all came crashing in on me. I started crying and by the time I got there I was geared up for a good bawl. I sat in the parking lot and cried and cried. After a while I was able to pull it together. I'm thinking, oh great, now I have to go into Yum-yum Doughnuts with puffy eyes and a red nose and buy 27 doughnuts. I wondered what they would think. Like, man, this woman really needs comfort food!
I'm going over to Ken's tonight to play with him and John. I'm going to go early and do some swimming. But before I go I have to print out some music. And eat something.
Chaka Khan is singing in my head. "Tell me something good..."
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I had a very nice time at Ken's tonight. I swam and stretched in the pool and talked with Ken and Sherri. Then Ken and I sat in front of the computer getting songs off of Chordie. Then we went into the band room and played them. John never showed up. I guess he forgot. I hope he's ok. I'll call him tomorrow.
I'm still kind of emotional but better.
"Something good". Ok, I fulfulled that wish.
I swear to god, today I heard in my head the song: Jesus Loves You (yes, I know, cuz the bible tells us so...). I didn't hear it anywhere, it was just there rolling over and over in my head. Once I told my boss about it (cuz I thought it was weird) it went away.
Heh, heh. You! Thanks for the "something good".
Have you ever seen Theo perform at open mike? He's the guy who writes these screaming, profanity-laced but pretty intelligent songs. Last month he wore a t-shirt that said Jesus Hates Me. Quite appropriate for Theo.
This morning I was having a teary conversation with Dede about my woes. I told her I feel like I don't have something solid to stand on. Right after I said it I thought gee, there must be a gospel hymn about that.
Hmmm... something good. You know I'm a pessimist down to my spine, but I'll try... hmmm...
Ok, here it is: you're the best cook I know. I have a co-worker who's pretty good, but I think you have her beat. You need to have a stitch-n-bitch and do the cooking. It's cheap, it's creative, it involves lots of people, and the weather's probably cool there now? You could have in on the hill with all your adirondak chairs? And don't forget the vino--and you get to get nice and toasted because you don't have to drive home. And make somebody else clean the kitchen.
--dean
Even I am offended by Theo. Not because he is a force against god but because he screams and it hurts my ears.
Hmmmm, I guess Rock the Boat song isn't quite having something solid underfoot eh?
Dean, OH NO, not cool here at all. Fucking burning in hell hot here.
Vivage--well that's just too weird. Central Texas has been positively delightful this summer--for central Texas. Erin is sitting on top of us cooling us off right now. If this is global warming, make me a Mai Tai.
--dean
Dean- A Stitch and Bitch luncheon would be fun. I'd have to do it on a weekend. Everyone I know works during the week. It's still too hot here.
Virginia- Y' know, I like Theo. Yes, he makes me uncomfortable but I'm glad he's part of the scene. He did a really good song about child abuse once. I'd rather listen to him than some of the navel gazers that usually show up there. Boy, they really do get all kinds at open mike.
Wow. Just now I was out front playing the uke, practicing the songs that Ken and I played last night. Somewhere down the street there's a crazy mariachi band playing. They sound awesome! Very exuberant and loose like they just don't care what they sound like. Except they sound great! I want to crash their party!
Paige is at a friend's and Lindsay and Kyle went to see Superbad. A little while ago I watched the last 40 minutes of Star Wars, Episode 3 (one of the worst movies ever made). I gotta get out more.
Man Dean, I could go for a Mai Tai. My air conditioner is still on and it's after 9 pm! Mebbe I need to fly to central Tx! But damn, my arms would be tired.
Donita, Both Theo and the navel gazers are irritating and offensive in my book. Both are way too indulgent for me. Probably why I don't go very often.
Theo and the Navel Gazers would be a great name for a band.
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