Bleah. This sucks. I started out ok this morning. Took the car in for an oil change, had lunch at Marie Callender's, went to the grocery store. While I was in the store it kind of enveloped me. That dull emptiness settled in my chest and I had to breathe deep just to get through the shopping trip. If someone had smiled nicely at me I might have lost it. I'm glad I don't have anything else to do today. I can just get comfy and zone out.
This morning I watched The Lion In Winter. Man, I love that movie. I wish we could all go around talking like that. Except without the hostility, of course. Peter O'Toole was one of the guests on that Craig Ferguson taping I went to. I wanted to stand up and say, "You're still a marvel of a man!" Except now he's not. I was worried he was going to fall off the platform and collapse like a pile of twigs.
Ok. It's early but I'm going to get out of these clothes and into the jams.
10 comments:
I took half a Xanax (Zanax?). It helped. It took away the physical discomfort. My stomach isn't as jumpy. Maybe this is a good solution. I can deal with the sadness. I can't deal with that feeling of being punched in the chest.
I'm not sure if numbing myself to get through the grief is a good idea. Am I just stalling the inevitable? Or maybe it's a great idea. I just don't want to feel sick while I'm feeling sad.
So, did KC think it was a good thing?
Well, I don't think it's necessary to suffer through the grief. I just don't want to put off what I'll have to go through eventually. If that's not the way it works then by all means, bring on the drugs.
I think I will take it anyway, even if it's just to take away the physical effects. That sucks more than anything. Some day I reeeeally want to have a good, core-dumping cry. I feel like I need some kind of physical release. Maybe I should go spend some time in a batting cage. I've done that before. Felt pretty good. Of course, I was working through some anger then, not grief. Is there a crying cage somewhere?
I know. I could watch Babette's Feast. That movie always reduces me to a puddle. Might be a good trigger. I think I have the dvd.
I'm pretty sure you're familiar with the 5 steps of grief and a batting cage might just help. Just make sure you wear a helmet.
You wanna cry? Try listening to Mandelbrot Set and singing along with it. I cannot get through it without bawling!
I mean, it's a good release, but dammit! It's also one of my favorite songs! Sometimes I just wanna friggin sing it!
If you think your knees could stand it, I would highly recommend something physical for release. The batting cage sounds good, but if you suck at it, it might be even more frustrating. I took a kickboxing class tonight and it felt GOOOOODD!!!!
Something pretty is nice too- like kayaking or canoeing, or a bike ride someplace nice.
Or- try all of the above! But really, sorry you're having to go through all this- it totally sucks and we wish with all our hearts that things were different. *hugs*
Well, hi.
I so listen to and understand your grief comments. The perspective I can offer is the same as yours - right foot, left foot, repeat. Sometimes you've asked if you're grieving on schedule. Yep. The schedule is yours as it is for you - "planned" or not. And the Deanster is right - time is the best healer. Although it never truly fixes something that's really big. It just puts perspective on it. Some days you feel the flow, some days you wonder how you can go on. I know you know you're blessed to have so many loving people around you.
We think of you every day - Love you,
Mary
Anne- I'm really good in a batting cage, as long as the balls aren't coming too fast. I'm a good hitter. Kick boxing sounds interesting. Actually, I've always wanted to try Tai Chi. Probably better for my knees. I like the suggestion to do something pretty. Not much canoeing around here. I've been thinking about buying a bike.
Mary- Thanks. I agree with everything you said. It's just that sometimes my body doesn't agree. So yeah, time will take care of a lot.
Lindsay- I do get weepy listening to Mandelbrot Set but it doesn't set me off. Especially after hearing Jonathan Coulton sing it in person tonight! Good show.
Virginia- Is one of the five stages feeling like you want to hit something with a baseball bat? Dude, I'm so there!
Lindsay and I went to San Diego tonight to see Jonathan Coulton. I'll blog about that in the morning. Doing fun stuff helps. Gotta remember to do more.
Yes, one of those stages IS wanting to hit something. You have a driving range right down the street, maybe driving some golf balls or flying divots would be helpful?
Nah, that would just be frustrating since I've never done it before. Whacking a baseball would be much more satisfying.
I think exercise + fun stuff + time + being with people I love is the formula. And Xanax when I need it.
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