Christmas

I forgot to write about our first Christmas without Jim. Not much to tell. It was Lindsay and Kyle, Paige and Gabe and me. I went to Dragon House and picked up some Chinese food. It's become a bit of a tradition to have Chinese food on Christmas Eve. It started when we first moved back down here. Jim and I were always selling Christmas trees up until about 5:00 on Christmas Eve and there was no time and no energy for fixing a big meal so we always picked up Chinese food. This time I got the good stuff. Dragon House is the best Chinese restaurant in Riverside. Press Enterprise says so.

We didn't have many gifts to open. There just wasn't any time to shop this year and I certainly wasn't in the mood to join the crowds in the stores. I gave the boys gift cards and the girls got some trinkets plus a share of the family Christmas bonus. They were very happy to get a pile of cash. We opened the almond champagne that Ken and Sherri gave us. We laughed a lot and had a really good time, just like Jim was here. We drank a toast to the end of 2007 and toasted our hopes for a better 2008. Then I left to take Lindsay and Kyle to the airport.

I've been thinking about Jim a lot lately. Dreaming about him, too. In my dreams he never speaks to me. He's always just there hanging around.

Yesterday I had a grief moment. I hadn't had a computer since the day we moved out and I really wanted to get it set up. But all our equipment is scattered and packed away and I don't know what plugs into where so I probably wouldn't have been able to set it up anyway. The DSL had been activated but I was stuck. I was sitting in the family room when I noticed a package from AT&T sitting on the table. It was my new wireless modem and all the cords and filters I needed to set things up PLUS instructions. I just lost it. I sat there and sobbed and sobbed. Getting the computer set up would have been nothing for Jim. For me it's all a big mystery. Finding that package was almost like a message from Jim saying, "It's ok, you can do this." I plugged it all in and bang, I had internet. I still had to sit on the phone for almost two hours to get everything connected and to change everything to my name. I still don't have everything hooked up that I need but at least I can blog and get e-mail.

AT&T might be a big, evil corporation but they sure train their people well. They never once told me I'd need to send them a copy of the death certificate to remove Jim's name from my account. I sure ran into that roadblock a lot this year.

So, I have two more milestones to get through. January 14th, the day Jim had the stroke and January 18, the day he died. I think I'll ask for the 18th off. I don't think I'll be much use that day. And after this year I won't talk about January 14th on this blog. Stacey needs that day to be hers. Our mom died on January 14, 1987, which was Stacey's 21st birthday. When Jim had his stroke I didn't tell her until the next day. It's not fair to her to have so much sadness attached to that date.

It's still hard to believe he's gone. It still feels like it's impossible. I don't feel certain that my decisions are correct because I don't have Jim to knock it around with. Last night I was home alone and I kept having these long conversations with the cat. At one point I said, "Whoa there, girl. Grab the reins. You're not THAT old!" And then suddenly I felt very vulnerable. I was here alone. Sure, I've got three dogs here but they're useless idiots. I just got a glimpse into my possible future and it made me uncomfortable. I think when I reach a certain age I'm going to want to share a house with someone.

Looking forward to warm, sunny days. Too much dreary gloom right now.