Uncertainty

I haven't been here in a while. Yes, there's been restless uncertainty along with all those other emotions that are all balled up with grief, but what I'm feeling tonight is that cave-hollow ache that's been with me for four years. Ever since Jim lost his job and we sold our house and moved back to Riverside. Before Jim died it was the worst thing I wrestled with. I got so tired of it. There were so many nights where I sat alone out in the front yard just asking and asking and getting no answers. And then Jim died and everything changed. I had too many new things to deal with. Suddenly I was presented with a very long list of to-dos and I've been marking them off ever since. Uncertainty was put on hold.

But tonight it's crept back in and it still feels the same. That heavy, hollow ache. Where is this going? There's a story that's been writing itself ever since I was a teenager that has now taken off in a new direction. What if it doesn't turn out?

Before Jim lost his job I never felt this way. Yes, everyone knows life is uncertain but we don't (well, at least I didn't) go around feeling it and being reminded of it all the time. We just live our lives and make plans and set goals and try to achieve them. Or we don't. Whatever. I just always went humming along and never felt that uncertainty was a big factor in my life. It was no big deal.

This uncertainty feels the same but it's coming from a different place. Before it was all about Jim and the loss of his job and his inability to get over that loss. I wanted to give him time to heal but that healing never seemed to come. The longer it went on the worse I felt. I became more and more uncertain that we'd ever be able to get our lives back on track. Things did get a little better at the end but it was too late.

So, now what? Since Jim died my life seems to be about a series of upcoming events. I had/have this list of things I needed/need to do before I can start building this new life. I went to Texas, I put Jim's keyboards up for sale, I had the first yard sale. Next, we're going to Santa Rosa for Chelsey's wedding, then we're going to Santa Rosa for a longer visit and the Jim party for our friends up there. For a while now I've had this idea that when I get back from the second Santa Rosa trip it will be time to start the new life. I'll be looking for a job. I'll be making plans for where we're going to live after we leave here. But it's just an idea. It's not like I have any real control over what will happen. And even if I did I might really screw it up.

And that's a big part of my problem. I haven't been an adult on my own since I was in my early twenties. Back then it was all ahead of me and I had little to lose. I made so many mistakes. Some of them were big ones that really set me back and took years to recover from.

Another thing that's weird for me is the whole subject of relationships. I was with Jim for so long that all of my friends were his friends too. We were with other people as a couple. In their eyes am I still Jim's wife? Will it always be that way? I am single now. It's a strange thing for me to know that if someone were to ask me if I'm married my answer would be no.

It's all so weird. So foreign.

Ok, writing this has helped me to feel better. That awful feeling in my chest has gone away. Uncertainty has released its grip for now.

Man, that was kind of exhausting.