Folk Fest and Julia Sweeney

Friday Virginia and I went to lunch together. She's taking a few weeks off work while her elbow heals from surgery. We had such a nice time together. We talked about the people in our lives. Talked about Jim a lot. Of course I got weepy. I hate doing that in public but what am I going to do, hide myself away? I love talking to her. She often brings up things I never would have thought of.

Saturday morning Jeff picked me up and we went to the Claremont Folk Festival. This year it was held at an elementary school, a really sweet, friendly place. Jeff was helping out with the morning shift. I took off on my own and did a little shopping at the booths. Then I went to a penny whistle workshop. Not very interesting but how far can they get with a room full of beginners (me included). After that I had lunch with the three Odien boys. Then we went to the open mike in the auditorium.

It seemed like most of the time there were only about 6 people in the audience for open mike. They didn't seem too worried about sticking to a schedule. The Canaries performed a few songs. They weren't very well prepared and they ended their fade-out songs by backing away from the mikes, which was pretty damn funny, Still, they were very entertaining. They ended their set with I Shall Be Released. Ah, those Odien voices! They are some of the best singers I know.

They all encouraged me to get up and sing something. I hadn't really planned to perform but since there were only a few people there and most of them were my friends I decided to get up there and sing the Bosom song. I was surprised at how nervous I was! This has been happening to me lately. I get so shaky that I can barely sing. I'm starting to get a little concerned about that. The audience enjoyed Bosom. I sang two more songs, Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow and Tin Foil Hat. Later that afternoon a guy told me how much he enjoyed Bosom. Jeez, I hope I can write another song someday!

Later I took a Contra Dancing class. Loved it! Contra Dancing is like square dancing in that they use a caller but there are no squares. Just about any number of couples can participate. It was really fun. You can't help but smile when you're Contra Dancing. And I got my workout for the day.

After that I went to find Jeff. I poked my head into the uke workshop and found him there. Sitting in front was John Rockwell and this awesomely dressed little old man. Jeff said he was Bill Tapia, a uke legend. How cool! John had gotten Bill Tapia to do his workshop with him! You can read about it on Jeff's blog. I couldn't stay for the whole thing because Lindsay and Kyle were coming to pick me up to take me to the next big event of the day.

We went to watch the filming of Julia Sweeney's new movie, Letting Go Of God. If you've seen God Said Ha! it's pretty much the same format; Julia, alone on stage, telling her story. This time she's talking about her struggle examining her belief in God. At one of the shows she did with Jill Sobule we bought the Letting Go Of God cd and Julia signed it for Jim. He was a big fan of hers. Near the end of his life he was also exploring that same question and had pretty much come to the same conclusion.

We got there early enough to get great seats. I was front row center, about six feet from Julia. For most of the show I was having a great time. She's very funny. But then she got to the part of the show where she was talking about letting go of her belief in God meant she had to also let go of her belief in the afterlife. She had to accept that those loved ones who had died were gone, really gone forever. Her brother, who had died of cancer, her father, one of her dear friends. I started thinking about Jim and the idea that no part of him existed anymore. That he is truly gone. The tears started to flow. And flow. And FLOW!

So, there I am, in the front row, crying out of control, with Julia Sweeney trying to film her movie and give a good performance. Most of the time she was looking out over the audience and performing to the cameras but she couldn't have missed the meltdown that was happening right in front of her. And I couldn't get up and leave the room because they would have had to stop filming and find someone to replace me in the front row. That would have created a continuity problem. Yes, they were also filming the audience. Now, I'm so afraid that when this movie comes out they'll use footage of me, weeping like a crazy person, to really bring home a particularly touching moment. Shit.

When it was all over I got out of there pretty fast. I went into the restroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Oh GAWD! My eyes looked like they had been bathed in lemon juice and stabbed with an ice pick. They were red and Rocky Balboa puffy. I reeeeaaally hope I don't end up in this movie.

This morning I wrote to Julia on her blog to apologize and explain why I was so out of control. Who knows if she'll actually get the message. Now, the only reason I wrote about this here is to talk about what happened. I don't want anyone telling me that Jim is still with me or he's looking down upon me from on high because I don't believe that that's the truth. And really, no one, no matter what their beliefs, can really know for sure so don't try to comfort me with that. It wouldn't make me any less sad to think he's floating around somewhere. He's gone. I have my memories of our 34 years together and I have his music. His lives on in his daughters who are a source of joy and comfort for me. I'm sad that he's gone but I'm also grateful for the time we had together. Most people don't have what we had. I'm a very lucky woman. Holding everything in this way helps me to look to the future with excitement, anticipation and happiness. And yes, even a little fear. But that's life.

And life is what I have.