Ok...

Most of you know what has happened to Jim. In case you haven't heard, yesterday evening he had a stroke. A big stroke.

I was in the house. Lindsay and Kyle came in and said I should go out and check on Jim. They said he looked like he was falling asleep at the computer and they couldn't get him to respond. I went out there and shook him and said, "Hey, what's going on?" He completely ignored me. He was trying to type with his right hand while his left arm hung at his side. I shook him again and yelled at him. He wouldn't acknowledge me. I turned him around in his chair and smacked him on the leg and yelled in his face. He looked at me and smiled, the left side of his face drooped. Paige had come out to see what was going on. She suggested giving him aspirin. We couldn't get him to take it. I had it in my hand with a bottle of water (standing on his left) but he reached for a can of soda that was sitting on the desk. I later found out that the reason he was ignoring me was the stroke was on the right side of his brain, which controls the left side of the body. I learned that not only are the motor functions affected, but it's as if everything on the left just doesn't exist. That's why he reached for the soda can with his right hand. That's also why he was ignoring Paige and me. We were standing on his left. Anyway...

He could talk a little, just enough to communicate. He told me he thought he'd had a stroke. We called 911. The paramedics got here real fast. As they were working on him they said he had all the classic stroke symptoms. I ran in and changed my clothes and followed them to the hospital.

(Right now my thinking is pretty messed up. I'll probably get some of this wrong.) By the time I got to the hospital they had wheeled Jim into one of the emergency rooms. Lindsay, Paige and the boys arrived and Ken and Sherri showed up soon after. We had to hang out in the waiting room for a while and then they let us into the ER. At first it seemed like a lot of people were telling me what they were going to do for him but nothing was actually being done. We had to wait for a certain doctor or wait for a certain procedure. We had to wait to get him admitted. It bothered me because I knew that the sooner treatment is started the better the outcome. But it was a busy night in the ER.

Jim was still pretty much as he was at home. Then he started to get nauseous. Then he had trouble breathing. He started grabbing at the sticker things they use to attach sensors to the skin. He tried to pull out his IV. He wasn't communicating as well as he had been. His brain was starting to swell.

They restrained his right arm but after a while that wasn't enough. They had to sedate him. Now, I'm not sure which came first. Somewhere in there they took him down for a CAT scan. I don't remember if they did that before or after they sedated him. The CAT scan showed a large area, about 1.5 by 3 inches, that was full of blood. It was pushing part of his brain off to one side.

All of this took several hours and after a while I sent the kids home. After Jim was stabilized they took him to the ICU. Ken, Sherri and I had to wait for 40 minutes until they got Jim settled in and hooked up. The neurosurgeon had come by to see him but he had gone by the time we got in there. No one could tell us anything. Ken and Sherri left. I stayed, hoping someone would be able to give me any kind of information about my husband. It was 1:00 in the morning and they had all gone. I came home.

This morning I got up early and started making phone calls. First to Dean because she's in Texas (different time zone). Then to the family and our friends. Every call was made in tears. It was a hard thing to do. Then I went to Dad's to do morning meds and let him know what happened. He just fell apart. He hugged me so tight it was almost frightening. Then I came home, showered, got dressed and left for the hospital. Yesterday I had made some quiche. I grabbed a piece of it for breakfast. I barely kept it down.

Ken and Sherri were already there. Pretty soon everyone else started showing up. Mindy first. Stacey and Scotty brought Dad. I called the kids and told them to bring my uke. Ken told me that the doctor had told them that Jim could hear us and that it was ok to talk to him, just keep the conversation positive and encouraging. I figured some music might be nice.

According to their rules there could only be two people in the room at a time and only immediate family. Well, we had a bit of a parade. We tried to be respectful of the rules but it just wasn't practical. Fortunately, the nurses were cool about it. People were coming and going, mostly staying not more than 30 minutes at a time. Man, I love my family. They were amazing today. They sure do love Jim.

I got the uke out and Kyle sang some of his songs while I played. Lindsay sang a little back-up. Kyle did a beautiful job singing. There's no way I could have done that. I can play ukulele while crying. No way could I sing. Thanks, Kyle!

Yes, we cried a lot. I don't know if Jim can make it back from this. Thoughts of our future came creeping in. There's so much I just can't do without him. I know whatever happens we'll survive. But our lives will be different now. Shit, this wasn't supposed to happen.

After everyone else except Ken and Sherri had gone home Kenny and Bernie showed up. Drew, too. I knew Jim wouldn't have wanted Bernie there but I wasn't going to kick her out unless she made trouble. Ken really didn't want me to make a scene so I let it pass. Anyway, she stayed only a few minutes. A nurse came in to clean Jim's air tube so I took them out to explain to Kenny what had happened. While we were talking the neurosurgeon showed up and talked to Ken and Sherri. That's what I had been waiting for. A report from a real doctor. The news was encouraging. He told them that the second CAT scan showed the area of bleed had enlarged. That's not necessarily a bad thing because the first scan was taken right after the stroke and didn't show how big it would eventually get. Jim is stable. He's doing well clinically, which means the rest of his body is functioning well. They have to manage his blood pressure.

So now we wait. There's nothing more they can do other than put in a shunt to drain away excess fluid from the brain. But they'll only do that if they have to. The doctor said the first 24 hours are the most critical. After that you just have to wait and see. For the next 4 or 5 days not much will happen. If Jim makes it through this it's going to be a very long, slow recovery. And he might not make it. We have to be prepared for that.

I had a good talk with Drew. Both he and Stacey were very comforting and Mindy was a huge help with Dad. I'm very grateful for my siblings, for Ken and Sherri and for our wonderful friends. And for my awesome, beautiful daughters.

Where's Jim? He's supposed to be here.