Well, that was quick. Tonight I was dinking around with the uke playing The Log Driver's Waltz. I started to tell Dean about the first time Jim and I heard that song. It was in a video that was part of a Spike and Mike Animation Festival. I Googled it and found it on YouTube.
Oh
my
god
!
At first I was just enjoying it. Then I got a little weepy, thinking about how much Jim loved that animation and how we used to perform that song together and how....I'll....never...do...that...again. I'll never perform that song with Jim again. I'll never do anything with Jim again. All of it, all of it, gone forever.
Dean was here with me. At first she thought it was like my other crying jags. But it didn't pass. She jumped up and hugged me tight until I came through it. Oh man.
I'm sure this particular lump of sadness will visit me again and again. It was almost terrifying realizing that one of the things that made my life so much fun is just plain gone. The music we made together. Finding music, learning music, collaborating, complimenting, performing together and enjoying each other. It was ripped from me. That's how I felt in that moment. Like I was being torn apart.
Eventually it lifted and we could talk about it. I know I'll keep playing and singing. With my girls and Kyle, with Ken, with Jeff. I'll play with Dave, Nancy and Amelia. I'll play with Michele, with Michael. The music will change and become something new. And I'll always wish Jim were here.
Today was a good day. I made a thousand phone calls and everyone was helpful and kind. Bob called (thank you!). Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with the mortuary guy. We're going to find some trinkets we can put in with Jim for his journey to the happy hunting ground. We'll find a photo of Keith Emerson, a lock of Gracie's hair, a Naked Trucker paint stick. If anyone has any suggestions I'd like to hear them.
Tonight Dean and I went to El Torito for dinner. Good golly, I wanted to sing It's Raining Men. Dean and I were cracking up. Our waiter was a cute guy, the second waiter was a cute guy, the chip guy was cute. The manager was a total freakin' doll who hung out at our table and chatted with us. Like, for a long time. TWICE! They were all so attentive. And the food was good! Michele, you would have totally dug this scene.
Tomorrow I'm going look for photos for the collage.
Oh yeah, Aunt June called. It was great talking to her. If anybody understands with pure perfection what I'm going through, it's June. She's coming on Saturday. I know I won't get to spend much time with her, I'll be spread too thin. After things settle down a bit I want to visit her.
Ok. I'll be seeing a lot of you very soon.
7 comments:
I met Jim through Dave and Nancy - met you, too Donita, at one of D&N's BBQs. It was the one of only two times I played with Jim. Jim was an amazingly nice guy and easily the best musician I've ever known. He was so easy to play with - had a way of letting me know anything I threw in was ok - yet his own mastery challenged me to push while having fun. I hardly knew Jim but he touched me in a way I'll never forget.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Morning Sweetie! I know you may not hear this yet (so print it out and repeat it to yourself over and over till you believe it). I know you have lost a wonderful friend, comapanion, and lover who can never be replaced. Thinking of the world without Jim Smith in it saddens me too. Makes the world less of a joyous place to be. His genuine kindness, caring and love will be missed greatly by anyone who truly knew him. For you Doni, I want you to know that you are doing all the things you should. Don't try to be brave for anyone else. Feel the feelings for now. Know however there is a future for you and it is a wonderful and exciting one. It is filled with hope, love and adventures you could have never imagined. This is the wish and hope I have for you. When you need a friend to hold up a candle in the darkness, please reach out. You have a wonderful circle of love around you (myself being part of that circle). I love you.
Bob G- Thank you for this very sweet note. When you say he touched you in ways you'll never forget I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm hearing this over and over. If you're a musician you played better because you played with Jim. It didn't matter if you've been playing since birth or if you were a complete beginner. He was so generous as a performer, both with his fellow musicians and with his audience.
Bobby C- Ok, doll, are you actually trying to kill me? :-)
Sorry Doni, didn't mean to upset you. Just wanted to show support.
No, don't worry about it. You've been very supportive and have done nothing but make me feel loved. I'm jes messin' witch ya.
Everything you said in your post is true. You know how much I appreciate you. What you said touched me but it didn't upset me. You just keep on doing what you've been doing. It really does help.
Donita-
We're comin'!!! Talked to Kyle & Lindsay a few minutes ago- I was able to find cheap flights and i have some miles to cash in so the flights will be FREE. We'll be flying into LAX Friday 8pm and driving to Riverside then. Staying at Dynasty Suites on Iowa- let me know before Friday if it's a dump and I will book elsewhere! Flying back to NY Monday at noon. Looking forward to seeing you and honoring Jim, and of course spending time with our boy. Laura will be staying behind since she just started her semester.
I went to their website and it looks pretty good. I think you'll be safe. It'll be great to see you guys. OMG, free flights! Too awesome.
Give my love to Laura. I wish she could be here, too. But yeah, school 'n' stuff.
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