Ugh. I'm wide awake. My eyes popped open at 2:45 and now here I am. Any sleep I got was fitful and dreamless. I'll probably get used to it but for tonight sleeping on the air mattress isn't a happening thing. Add to that a big ol' brain buzz swirling up the usual worries and you just have to give up and get up. I might have to resort to a sleep aid.
Here's my brain buzz list:
Do I have what it takes?
Can I make it on my own?
Can I keep a household going?
Am I spending too much money?
Will I get it all done in time?
Will my health hold up?
Should I not get satellite tv?
One mattress or two?
Now or later?
Is this it?
Just get through this. It'll all be what it's going to be after the move... after Christmas... after the first of the year... after I find a job... after I lose some weight... after Paige graduates... after Lindsay graduates...
One day I'll be looking back at all of these afters. Did it turn out the way I thought it would?
Just get through it.
9 comments:
Do you have what it takes to be a rich and famous singer/musician/actor/artist like we all thought we’d be in high school? Probably not. We all let that one go by. Do you have what it takes to have a comfortable, creative, relatively worry-free life in a spot you like with loving friends and family all around? I guess so since you’ve already got most of it. Right now you just have some organizing to do.
Can you make it on your own? No offense to the girls or Jim, but you are the center of that family. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing. You’re the anchor for yourself, too.
Can you keep a household going? See paragraph 2. Or, if by that you mean can you make enough money to pay the bills and buy groceries, I think you’re in good shape for that, but you’re going to have a grunt job unless you get some training. If you can get a government job with benefits—you’re going to have to settle for being a file clerk or something—then your big problem becomes the same ones we all have: hauling your ass out of bed every morning to do uninspiring work. Welcome to the club.
Are you spending too much money? Yes. See last sentence of previous paragraph. Remember when you lived in Mission Beach and $5 would get you through a week? You’ll tighten up.
Do the math: add your annual property tax to what you expect your bills will be: transport, food, utilities, insurance; and divide by 12. That’s what you have to have each month. A job that pays $9 an hour grosses $360 for a 40-hour week; that’s $18,720 a year or $1560 a month. Remember, that’s before taxes. Can you live on that? If it’s just a bit low, can you dip into the 401(k) to supplement? I don’t mean withdraw what you need whenever, I mean budget $400 a month or so from it. Get a handle on these numbers and you’ll be a long way toward answering your question.
Will you get it all done in time? Well, what if you don’t? Most deadlines are pretty artificial things. And half-assed is probably fine for a lot of the stuff you have to do. Remember, it’s all going to be bulldozed.
Will your health hold up? I dunno. You’ve got one of the most sensitive backs of all time. Here’s an enormous fat lady giving you fitness advice: exercise for an hour at least four times a week. You’ll feel better about everything.
Should you not get satellite TV? Do you have to decide right now?
As for the rest, they’re beyond my ken. I advise you to mull them over warm Thanksgiving cider.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
--dean
Waking up in the middle of the night and then living in the future is the worst (for me).
You have my sympathy for not being able to let go of What If's last night.
P.S. Those air mattresses suck.
--dean
Dean- Have I told you lately that I love you? All of this is good stuff and it helps a lot. Really. But I have to say that you've known me long enough to know that no one should ever tell me to do math. Thanks for doing it for me!
Yes, I can dip into the 401k. If I have to I'll look into it. Part of my problem is the feeling that it can all just fall apart and I'll fail. It's just a feeling, not entirely logical. But in the middle of the night it can blow itself out of proportion. It's like, Jim died and it was like nothing. It took no effort. He lost his life without even trying. So how easy is it to lose everything after a monumental struggle and still have the rest of your life to live? Like I said, it's not logical at all but the throes of an evil brain buzz somehow it makes sense. And you can't make it stop.
Boy, I sure do a lot of crying at the computer. Girlfriend, you are my rock.
Virginia- Thanks. Living in the future. Good way to put it.
I learned a thing or two last night. I learned that half a Xanax will take the edge off. A whole one will knock you into oblivion, especially if you're already a little tired. I also learned that Beowulf is not a good movie to see if you're emotionally effed up. Even though it's been a few days since I saw it my dreams look like a violent video game.
I'm better today. Man, it's after 2 and I still haven't really started my day. I went to the grocery store but that's about it. Dad is on edge today. Now he's talking about ripping out his kitchen cabinets and taking them to his new apartment. He also wants to take all the ceiling fans. He wants to take his whole office. He said if he can't he'll just move to another place. He wanted me to draw the layout of the apartment and no matter how many times I told him I've never seen it he still kept shoving a pencil and a pad of paper at me. So, ok, I'll use my psychic abilities and draw the freaking apartment.
Dumpster dude is here!
I love you too and I wish I could say or do the thing that would fix you right up, and I know I can't. But I'm good at outlines.
--dean
"right foot, left foot, repeat"
If it will make you feel better, we were robbed today (house break-in)-cash taken but nothing else that we know of- and Laura's car is effed up to the tune of $2000.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
You can do it Doni!! You are strong!!
Oh nooooo! Oh my god! Anne, that's horrible! Why did they mess up Laura's car? Hugs to all of you.
Man, getting ripped off is the worst feeling, especially when they break in. That happened to Jim and me once. They didn't get much, just a small keyboard, a cassette player and a box of coins. Still, it makes you feel sick when someone comes into your home and takes your stuff.
Well, Happy Thanksgiving to you too. I guess it can only get better from here, eh? Kyle and Lindsay will be with you soon.
Yikes Anne! I'm pretty thankful you all weren't home (or at least it doesn't sound like you were) and that nothing huge was taken.
I'm reading that Laura's car wasn't involved but that it is broken so much that it's gonna cost a ton of money to fix.
My son's car is gonna cost a ton too, made me gulp.
Donita, it helps for me to think about NOW, the present when I get all wrapped up with the future. I hate playing the What If game with myself.
Heh! Last night I was stuck in a spiral. My "now" was, "Gee, this sucks. I can't get to sleep."
After I'm done here I'm going to bed. Tonight I'm not going to screw around. I'm taking a sleep aid. If I can't settle myself down I'll just knock myself out! I might just do this every night until after the move. Getting enough rest is just too important right now. I also exercised a little tonight. It wasn't as good as a Rube walk but I figure doing something is better than doing nothing.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! We're going to Ken and Sherri's at 2 for a casual dinner. I'm taking shrimp marinated in lime juice, olive oil and vinegar tossed with red onions, red bell pepper and cilantro. If you Odiens aren't busy doing something else maybe we can uke it in the evening. What say you, Bill?
Goodnight!
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