I don't like it.
Stuff's out there, on the horizon, waiting for me. I'm waiting for it. I'm on the verge.
Some days are weirder than others. Some days are more sane. But the others... There are days where I'm stopped dead in my tracks, staring, wondering, asking, "What the hell happened???" How could he be gone, like, GONE??? The whole thing happened so fast. Stroke, four days, death, a week later, party. It's been two and a half months. Such a short time but so much has happened. So much has changed. More change to come.
This usually comes upon me in the evenings. I'll go out and sit in one of the wooden chairs and look at the view. Tonight I went out there just as the full moon was rising. Then came a wash of heavy sighs and it was hard to catch my breath. I was looking at the big picture. Getting a job, a new place to live. Then I thought about leaving here and it was just too much. I will really, really miss this place. It's shabby but it's awesome and I'm so lucky to have lived here. I was out there in the dark watching the planes come in for a landing. That's what got to me. Those planes are as much a part of this place as the houses, the Christmas trees and the view of Box Springs mountain.
I'm really looking ahead now. What's next? A trip to Texas, a trip to Sonoma County. I want to head north at some point for a visit with Michele and the Powers'. Getting a job, moving. Soon my girls will move away. What will this life look like five years from now?
And all I can do right now is deal with what's right in front of me. I want to give it all a push and say, "Come on! Get on with it!"
Ah, the wonder of it all.
7 comments:
((((((((((Donita))))))))))))
Gee, could you tell I was a little flippy last night? Thanks for the hug!
Heh! Verging is a young woman's situation. So true! How can I be verging at my age? I'm just not equipped for verging anymore. It's exhausting.
Today Lindsay shut down the Rancho Curioso store for me. When you go there now all you see is an orange page saying we're out of business. We're keeping the website because Daisy runs on it and we can always turn it into something else later. But no more paper sales. I'm so relieved. Yep, more tears.
This afternoon she and I went shopping for her outfit for Chelsey's wedding. We ordered her dress from David's Bridal and then went to the mall for shoes (language caution). Found some for me too. Then we went to PF Chang's for lunch.
And then we came home and I went down for an uber nap. I slept so hard I felt druggy when I woke up. I thought I had slept through the night. I looked at the clock and wondered why it was so light at 6am. I think PF Chang's doped the Mu Shu.
Merge with the verge.
Naps are good for that.
EEEKK!!
damn, that would make it a "woman as victim but overcomes all odd to triumph" kind of book. zzzzzz.
Yeah, no kiddin'. Does Henry Rollins have a book club?
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