Foggy and weak

I visited Dad this afternoon. When I got there they had just taken him out for a walk. He was pretty tired. We talked for a while in the dining room. He kept asking questions about where he was and why he was there. None of my answers stuck. He kept asking me to take him for a ride, to take him out of there. I kept stalling and said it would be his dinner time soon. He got up to go to the restroom. I thought he was going to use the restroom by the dining room but he went all the way back to his own room. He was gone a long time. When I went to check on him one of the Sunrise gals was in there with him.

Many years ago my grandfather had made this kinda cool little chotchke. It's this pretty, gnarly rock on a square base with a ceramic collie figurine glued to the top. It looks like Lassie standing on a cliff. It's something I remember seeing in their house when I was very little. When my grandfather died Dad brought it home where it sat on his mantle for many years. The last time I was at Sunrise it was sitting on top of his tv. Today the rock was sitting on the side table right by his door. The collie figurine is gone. I looked all over for it. A couple more Sunrise gals came in to check on Dad and to test his blood sugar. I asked them about it. One of them said that rock was something he liked to throw around. Yeesh. I wondered if something like that was going to happen. She said he always throws his stuff around and that they're always having to go in and clean up his room. He was still in the bathroom so I put the rock in my music bag and brought it home. They said they'd look for the collie and put it in the office if they find it.

After they left I visited with Dad in his room. He was very tired but I couldn't get him to go to bed and take a nap. He kept asking questions. He wants Drew to stay with him every night. I kept trying to explain that Drew has his own family to take care of. Dad said he understood but still wanted Drew to stay with him. He said he wanted to talk to Jim. I said, "My Jim? Dad, he's gone. Jim died last year." He said, "No, the other Jim. I want to talk to Drew and Jim." I told him I didn't know of another Jim. Then he asked, "How did I get into this sorry state?" His eyes were half closed. I talked to him about his stroke and his Alzheimer's. I finally got him to lay down and he quickly fell asleep. I sneaked out.

Ugh! I felt awful driving home. It's very sad to see him this way. Even though he can't retain anything you tell him he seems to know that he's not going to get any better. It's like on some level he really knows what's happening to him and he's finally accepted defeat. I don't really know this, it's just a feeling. And, oh, it's such a shame that figurine is broken. It always made me think of Pawpaw. I hope they find the collie. If it's not busted into too many pieces I can glue it back on. Stacey had bought Dad a nice lamp with a glass shade. I guess that got broken too. It's a bare bulb lamp now.

His birthday is on Friday. I don't know if it's a good idea to take him out someplace but I think we should. He seems like he's settling in ok so it might not be too disruptive.

Glass of wine, tv, zone out.