In the weeks leading up to this day I felt myself getting anxious. I wondered what I was going to do, how I would spend the day. On Monday, which was the anniversary of Jim's stroke, I kept noticing the clock. I kept thinking, ok, a year ago at this time I was at the hospital in the ER. Then, at this time I was in ICU. At this time I was driving home alone. For the next few days I was thinking about our time in the hospital. I spent most of today at the convalescent home so I didn't have much time to think about the clock and what we were doing at certain times of the day. Just now when I was driving home at around 4:30 I thought, ok, at this time we were at Ken and Sherri's having pizza with the family and Jim was already gone.
I've been thinking a lot about that time and some of the things that happened in the weeks that followed. One thing that keeps popping into my mind is the day when I went to the mortuary to identify Jim's body. I wish I had never seen him like that. I'm hoping that memory will fade. I'm sure eventually it will.
What a year this has been. I'm not the same person I was then. I've had to learn so much. Like, who am I? Who am I without Jim? That process is still unfolding.
Tonight I'm going to Ken and Sherri's. John is coming over and Lindsay and Kyle will stop by. We're going to play music and talk and probably get good and drunk. Being able to spend time with Ken has been so helpful this year. He and I are the only ones who really know each other's pain.
Today I took Lady to the convalescent home so Dad could have a visit with his doggie. Dede and I took him outside to sit in the sunshine for a while. At one point he leaned over and said, "I have a falling feeling." I held onto him and told him he wouldn't fall because he was snug in his wheelchair. After a while it passed. Dede took him back inside and I took Lady home.
When I came back Dad was just finishing lunch. He was angry and agitated. He really hates the food at this place. But it was probably more than that. Dede and I had a hard time calming him down. He kept trying to pull back the curtain by his bed and bug his poor room mate, who is also a stroke victim and not doing very well. She eventually told him that if he didn't calm down they would either give him drugs or restrain him. That seemed to get his attention but he was still surly. Fortunately, it was time for his physical therapy session so it was easy to redirect his attention. His aphasia seemed worse today and I think at one point he may have been hallucinating. Dede left to run some errands. She went to Sunrise to talk to them about when Dad can go back there and move into the Alzheimer's unit. Good news there. They'll take him any time. He still needs more therapy so he'll stay at the convalescent home maybe another week.
Since he's been there he's had someone with him every minute of every day. Drew and Dede have spent the night with him and Stacey and I have been there when we could. He can walk on his own but his right knee is very weak and he could fall at any time. Sometimes he's pleasant and cooperative, other times he's pig-headed and can even get physical. This is wearing us out. I'll be glad when he can get back into Sunrise. He'll have an alarm on his bed so we won't have to have someone there at his side 24/7.
Ok. Gotta go take a shower and get ready to go to Ken's. This'll be good. A nice little party for Jim.
9 comments:
You should be starting in on yur second drink in just a few mins. I hope you get drunk enough to laugh and have a good time and no so drunk that you fall down, throw up and need all three days of this weekend to recover.
I'm proud of you and all that you've accomplished in the last year.
*yer*, my good ol boy accent coming out.
I love you Donita. I miss Jim.
Vivage is right. Look at all you have done this year, even excluding all the mourning and coping.
Since you've been doing so much writing lately, one thing that might be a good therapy is to write about some of the things you and Jim used to do together. It might revive more positive images in your mind, plus it would be a great legacy for your kids.
Mr. Jnzbyx: Nickname for a jazz cornet player who was at the end of the nickname line.
Virginia- I got just drunk enough and it was great. We had a real good time. My voice is still kind of weak and I couldn't sing much. Amber was there so she did most of the singing. It was fun just playing and hearing her sing my songs. She was really good on Up On The Roof. It's always so much fun playing with Ken and John. Yes, there were some weepy moments and it seemed really wrong that Jim wasn't there sitting behind his stack of keyboards, but overall it was great fun.
When we were finished playing Ken put on some ELP. I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. I hadn't heard any ELP since Jim died. I just couldn't bring myself to listen to it. Ken introduced a 12 year old Jim to ELP. I listened with new ears, trying to imagine Jim hearing it for the first time and how he must have been blown away by the rockin' complexity/simplicity of those three guys on keyboards, bass and drums. We listened to a lot of ELP last night. It was 1:00am when I came home.
Anonymous- Gotta sign your name, dear. I miss Jim, too. It's funny. Yesterday I was thinking about missing him and I realized I've never said that on this blog. I know it comes across but I don't think I've ever used the words "I miss him". I think it's because to miss him is to accept that he's gone and there's a piece of me that still thinks that's just plain impossible. How can he be gone? It doesn't make any sense. That's how my mind flips around sometimes.
BABoR- I have written about some of that stuff. When I do I'm usually sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I think I've avoided it because it's kind of painful. But I think you're right, I should write more. I think it'll be easier now.
Today I'm going to gather some old songs together and print them out for Dad. I played uke for him yesterday and he sang along on a few songs. He really enjoyed it.
Hoo boy, it's late. I'm moving a little slow this morning!
Anonymous is Dean.
I love you too.
Hi Donnie,
Greetings from the Sonoma County. Glad you're still making music. Me too!
Saw David Lindley at the Raven a month ago. Great show. Sat in the front row. Hope you're doing well.
Love you,
Ray Garcia
PS Tell Michele I said Hi!
Hey, Ray! Nice to see you! Thanks for stopping by the bloggie. David Lindley is the best. it's funny, he lives down here in Claremont, which is just 20 minutes down the road. But he hardly ever plays down here. When we saw him in LA I talked to him after the show and asked why he never plays at the Folk Center, just walking distance from his house. He said he's considering it.
I'll tell Michele you said hi. Love you!
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