Hard to believe. The whole thing still boggles my mind sometimes but it's getting better. It's funny, but my most vivid memories of Jim are of him as a teenager. His young, fresh face, his bushy hair, the blue brightness of his eyes. Man, we sure had fun back then.
Tuesday was the hardest day for me this week. I kept thinking two years ago today was the last day of my normal life. I remember so much of what I did that day. I met Stacey at the park where Audra was having softball practice. We went for a walk. I talked to Linda about painting a mural in her kitchen. Jim had a gig in the mountains that night but I didn't go because I didn't want to stay up that late. I figured I'd go to the next one.
The next day he told me what a great time he'd had. The band played really well and they had a great audience. He was having a happy day. He played some music, he puttered around and he gave me a nice massage because I was having some back trouble that day. After that he went out and sat at the computer and that's when he had his stroke.
The rest of this week was a series of distractions. I kept thinking about what I was doing at the hospital, about the support of all our friends, about the girls and Kyle and about Dad and how difficult he was to deal with. I thought about all of us in the room when we let Jim go. It felt so wrong because Jim didn't look sick, just asleep.
So yeah, it was a weird week. On Friday Jeff and Bill came over and we played music. That was great. We hadn't gotten together in a couple months and it felt really good to play with those guys again. On Saturday I went to Ken's. Jessica and Greg were there so I finally got to see little Gregory. Man, he's so tiny. It was nice to hold that little baby and sniff the top of his head. I had brought some marinated tri-tip and Ken grilled it up along with some chicken and squash. It was all so good. Afterward Ken and I played and sang in the living room. A very pleasant scene. Got a little weepy, too.
Today I went to First Congregational for a show rehearsal. Then I met Jeff and his mom at Community Care where our former pastor's wife is staying. She had a leg amputated a few months ago and she hasn't been doing very well. We went for a visit and to play and sing for them. It was a good visit and I think they appreciated the music.
On Saturday before I went to Ken's I went to see Dad. He looked pretty much the same as he did the last time I saw him. There's just not much of him left. His eyes were half open in a vacant stare, his mouth was hanging open with his upper lip curled back. He moved around a little but didn't give much indication that he knew I was there. I sang him a few songs. His nurse came in to test his blood sugar. She said she missed his humor. I asked her if he was like that because of the meds or is this the way he is now. She said this is it. This is what he is now.
Dede sent an email to all of us detailing what Dad's nurses have told them. We're looking at the end here. They'll do what they can to make him comfortable but now all we can do is wait. So much to think about. Feelings are all over the place. Oh man, here we go again.
Whew! It looks like we're gearing up for another marathon. When we get this behind us I hope we Lang sibs can do something awesome together. A river trip at least!
8 comments:
So much to deal with, with the 2nd anniversary and your father doing so poorly. We're thinking about you. We wish we had a chance to know Jim better. We're so glad we did get to meet him that summer and thank him for everything he did for Kyle.
Stay strong-
Mommala
I know the anniversaries are hard, I wish I could make them better with a magic wand. I've been thinking of you often this week.
Your dad...that's another thing I wish I could use a magic wand on.
Thinking of you and your family.
Anne- I'm glad you got to meet Jim. I wish it could have been more. I think that as a couple of in-law couples we could have had some fun. Jim and Carl had about the same level of nerdiness. Even Kyle only knew Jim for about a year. But they packed a lot into that year.
Vo- Thanks. I think eventually the anniversary will get easier. Time heals. So does action. Those are the magic wands.
And Dad, well I guess we can be glad that he's getting to the end of his suffering. It's hard to tell how much of Stan is actually still there. How aware is he really? Little bits of him still poke through. It's nice to see those familiar bits but it might mean that those are the parts of him that are the most aware of his own condition. But that's just a guess on my part.
I think it will be strange for us to be without him. Even though he's been leaving us piece by piece he's still the head of this family. It feels strange to think about it.
I wonder if you'll feel free once your dad is gone?
It's interesting that you should put it that way. When my mom died I was surprised that I felt this odd sense of freedom. My mom was great. She had the mom thing down. She was fun, creative, giving, caring and courageous in a lot of ways. Losing her was awful and it messed me up for about a year. But I did feel free.
Before the younger kids came along I was mom's girl. Of all us kids I'm the one who looks most like her. Our birthdays were two days apart. There was so much that connected us. And that's probably why I felt free after she died. Maybe being so connected to her was keeping me from becoming who I was meant to be.
I felt kind of guilty for having that feeling. I had to work through that one. So, I think you might be right about feeling free when Dad goes. I'm not tied to him in the same way I was with Mom. I had many more negative experiences with him. I guess I'll just wait and see how I feel. As it is now, I just want him to be comfortable and free of pain.
I would agree, there is a different tie.
Love you sis.
I love you too.
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