So much happened today that I might not be able to make sense of it here. Dad started early this morning monkeying with stuff down at the sales shed. I think he was messing with the electrical because when we tried to drill a tree there was no power going to the drill.
Jim and I went down there at 2:00 to open. We got some customers right away. Connor showed up nice and early and I was glad to see him. Of course, Dad started in barking orders at him. Poor Connor. He's our best worker, so polite, so confident. After 5 minutes with Dad he looked like a deer in headlights. Jim left to go pick up Paige and I sent Connor off to move a sign which got him away from Dad for about 15 minutes. I was watching Connor reattach the sign to the fence when a truck loaded with cut trees drove in.
We weren't going to get any Oregon trees. We're trying to keep everything simple. Besides that, Dad hasn't finished paying for last year's Oregon trees. Dad knew he wasn't supposed to order them. I asked him if he'd talked to David about ordering the trees and he yelled that he's still the boss around here. I went in to call Jim and Dad followed me into the shed yelling, "Oh yeah, go ahead and call you tattle-tale!" He went back out to deal with the delivery guys for a while and then came back in to yell at me some more. I don't remember everything that was said, it all happened so fast. But when he yelled, "You shut up! You shut your face!" I said, "That's it!" and grabbed my jacket and started for the house. He followed me yelling. I said, "I will not stay here and have you talk to me that way! You're on your own!" He said, "Then I'll apologize!" in a very non-apologetic way. I kept going.
When I got to the house I realized I had left my keys down at the sales shed. I knew I'd have to go back down there anyway because I couldn't leave poor Connor on his own with Dad. Just as I was going back down Jim drove up with Paige and Rory. He had seen Dad and me yelling at each other in the driveway so he drove up by our house instead of going directly to the sales shed. He gave me a house key and then drove down to relieve Connor. I stayed at the house to make phone calls.
I called Dede and left a message. I called Drew and left a message. I called Stacey. I'm so glad she was home because I really needed to share the warmth. She was appalled. She thought we should have the delivery guys take the trees back. The whole thing was still unfolding so I didn't know what was the best thing to do. I went back down. Dad was up at the house looking for the invoice from the tree company. That gave me a chance to talk to the delivery guys. I told them he wasn't supposed to order those trees. One of the guys called his boss and handed me the phone. I told him that Dad has AD and wasn't supposed to be ordering trees. I asked him about the unpaid balance and he said Dad still owed him about half of the amount on last years trees. Dad came down as I was talking to him. He was yelling at the delivery guys that they shouldn't listen to anything I was saying, that I was lying. I decided to let them go and we'd figure out the whole thing later. The boss said he'd take the trees back if we wanted him to.
Dad immediately started having the boys untie the trees and put them out for sale. Drew called and let me know he was on his way. Stacey called and said Scotty would be here soon and she would get here as soon as she could. I stayed in the sales shed and waited for them. Every once in a while Dad would poke his head in to state that he's still the boss around here. Scotty showed up and talked to Dad. Then Drew and Stacey came. It was this weird scene of private conversations and phone calls to Dede and David. I don't know what all was said but I think everyone pretty much said the same thing to Dad. That we agreed there were to be no Oregon trees, that he made a bad decision, that he had agreed to this when we had our family meetings, he can't treat us like crap, he has Alzheimer's, he's sabotaging our smoothly running operation.
At some point Drew took him someplace because I didn't see him again for the rest of the time I was there. We had to leave because tonight was Lindsay's band performance. We were actually going to take Dad to this concert but there was no way I was going to spend another minute with him. It would have been nice because Drew and Scotty would have had a night of running the farm without Dad there.
After the concert I called Stacey. She said things went smoothly for the rest of the night. Dad asked her for a hug and she told him she really didn't feel like hugging him after what he did today. We decided to keep this order of 50 trees and sell them out.
Jim, Lindsay, Jon and I went to Chili's for dinner. About halfway through Paige called and said that she thought she saw Dad driving down Hillside. She went to his house and didn't see his car. Oh great. When we got home we went to his house to check on things. His car was parked behind the bar area so I think Paige just missed it. I don't think he had been driving. The evil part of me was wishing he had so we could bust him.
I really don't want to work tomorrow but if I don't it will just make things harder for the sibs. Jim is going to handle morning meds. So, I'll work the sales shed but I'm going to let Dad know that he reeeeally should stay away from me for a while.
14 comments:
How old is grandpa...like...87 going on 12?
Toss the rolodex, call all the business contacts; let them know.
Anti-depressants for him, take the edge off his anger. Start soon, it takes weeks to get going.
xagtxprj = secret code, can't tell you.
I'm just too busy and tired to add much. Thank you, Dave, for coming down and having a good full day with Stan.
Jesus. I have no advice. I've never had to deal with a madman.
esoisde--quiet recovery in the aftermath of an episode
Yeah, but your grandma was a handful.
Lindsay- Tonight when I was telling Dede the latest episode she said he's just like a toddler and we pretty much have to deal with him that way.
Virginia- We do have some mood stablilizers that his doctor prescribed but we decided not to give them to him. He got them when he was going through the throes of losing his license. But once it actually happened he settled down so we never used them. The info sheet lists some weird side effects so it seemed like a good idea to hold off on them for a while. David will have an opinion on this, I'm sure.
Yes, we did have another episode today. David came down and spent the day with Dad just doing stuff. He wasn't around enough to give us a full report and we can't really talk with Dad there. After Dave left Dad was hanging around the sales shed, mostly having jovial conversations with customers. He was also meddling and messing around with the whole operation. Really, we have things running quite smoothly but he's so freaked out about the prices being too low that he can't leave things alone. Paige and I were in the sales shed when he came in and watched me do a couple transactions. He got mad because we're giving away a bottle of preservative with each tree. This stuff is YEARS old and many of the bottles have evaporated. He used to sell it for $2 a bottle and almost nobody would buy it. He started griping at me about "giving away the profits". He started getting more and more hostile. At one point he basically called me stupid. That's when Paige left to go get Stacey. Paige was pretty upset.
Stacey came in and took Dad out. She took him by the arm and dragged him up the driveway. I had to go help a customer so I couldn't hear what was being said but I could hear a lot of yelling, some of it from Stacey. They had it out and Dad calmed down.
But he kept going on about nickel and dime stuff. A customer came up and asked about stands. I said that stands were $10. Dad said, "Well, the stand is $10 but what about the bowl?" I said, "The whole thing is $10, Dad. When we get the new stands the price will go up." He was satisfied with that. He offered flocking to a customer and I had to remind him we're not doing flocking. He shot me a look but didn't press it.
He's still being rude to the cutters but he was better than he was yesterday. He grumbled at Rory about recutting the bottom of a tree, something we're supposed to do when we put stands on the Oregon trees. I'm going to tell the kids that next time he gripes about that just tell him the customer requested it.
Got another long day tomorrow. I might just take the rest of the bottles of preservative and chuck them. That stuff doesn't do much of anything anyway.
As hard as this is I sure do enjoy spending time with the sibs.
kledz- Keds for clumsy people
I've taken them. Side effects were minimal and totally disappeared after a week.
jectbn = The reject bin at the grocery store.
Among the side-effects of Risperidone, the mood-stabilizing drug that Dr Griffin prescribed Stan, is that it can make his diabetes worse. From the Risperidone fact sheet: "This drug may infrequently make your blood sugar level rise, therefore causing or worsening diabetes. This high blood sugar can rarely cause serious (sometimes fatal) conditions such as diabetic coma."
I think that we should start guiding Stan to talk to us (sibs and spouses) about policies and not the kids that we hired (like Paige and Rory). They have no opinion or influence on policies like tree-preservative pricing; they're just trying to do a good job on the work they were given, as assigned, and Stan raising policy issues with them is upsetting. And his abusive behavior needs to be deflected.
Paige did the right thing. if Stan messes with a kid, they need to get a sib or spouse (manager), and if a sib is arguing with Stan, the kid should look for a backup manager to help. Last night's incident left Paige crying, and that's no good.
I think that Stan is sort of using profit as a focal point, or maybe a point of leverage, but I think that it's probably more about control, and the more we can make him feel like he has some control (ie, validating his 'wisdom' and stroking his ego) the less unhinged he will be (during a particular incident; it seems like little of this sticks much anymore). I'm hesitant to validate any outrageous actions, such as ordering the Oregon trees without discussion.
We're pretty much managing by consensus among us, and doing pretty well with that, but consensual decisions have to be discussed (to remain consensual), so it slows things down. Purely in terms of sales, profit, and effort, I suspect that Stan is right about the Oregon trees. They allow us to offer more variety without much effort. But at his pricing, it doesn't look like we're selling all that many. When we run out, are we going to order more (which would validate his sense that they are a good thing but also give him a "win" on going behind our backs) or just let them run out and stop?
If we decide that we're going to order more, then the supplier (Livacich) needs to understand who's in charge. We should pay him as soon as feasible for last year, which I think is around $4000, and keep payments current from here on out. It's nice of him to float that charge for so long, but it has probably cost him at least a hundred bucks in interest. I think he probably deserves our gratitude and an apology. That was a messy scene that his crew were (rightfully) unprepared to handle.
As much as I dislike being disingenuous to folks, I think it's becoming appropriate to "handle" Stan more as a problem child (like Dede said) instead of dealing with him entirely squarely as another adult.
I think that we should just go ahead and keep giving the preservative bottles away; thus possibly giving away up to about $1000, but putting them to their best use (tree preservation and goodwill), and being ethical (instead of selling possibly-expired merchandise).
Before this week, I figured that Stan might actually possibly be able to sell a few trees next year (if things lined up that way with the farm sale and his health and all). Now I seriously doubt it; I don't think that the family is going to want to do this again, and Stan will be a year farther down his mental path. So I really don't think it will happen.
Maybe something _really_ minimal would be possible, but he would probably want the full set of attachments, and that just seems really unlikely.
(sigh) c'est la vie, I guess.
All that said, these are exciting times. I'm definitely enjoying hanging out with this great family, seeing all the pleasant customers and families flowing through, and hanging around the fire in the evenings. Camp Christmas Tree, heh. If we can figure out how to redirect Stan's energy away from abusive behaviors, it could become quite pleasant overall.
Taking that a bit farther, I have this imagined way that the opportunity that is this month could be for us; all enjoying our time together, in a sense celebrating what Stan did in choosing and putting together such a cool business, and just having fun with it this one last time. It could be that way! Maybe it'll approach it more; we'll see, I guess.
I just figured out (again) how to use our little Canon digital camera as a video camera, and I'll carry it with me today to possibly record Stan's behavior for a potential review later with him.
- Jim
rhykr - where it's better than.
Donita: But I could get away from my grandma, which made it pretty easy for me to let what she did roll off me. Plus, she didn't raise me, so she didn't have access to all of my buttons like a parent does. Grandma could only rarely get a rise out of me, partly because she was ham-handed about it. But my mom--now she could make me crazy. My mom was far more subtle and effective.
I didn't have to worry about either of them, though, burning down the house or ordering $10,000 worth of trees we didn't need.
I really think Jim is right: reasoning with Stan is unfruitful. You need to approach him like he's a kid, and man, that's going to be a tough switch for you to make.
ndrgn--dragon repellant
Boy, you said it. It is hard for me to make that switch.
Right now the hardest thing is dealing with his backup behaviors. Tonight it was Drew's turn to take Dad's abuse. He was going on about the prices again and told Drew that the reason he drives a truck is he's a bad businessman. Our family members will know what a truly nasty and cruel thing that was to say. If I had been there when Dad said it I would have really lost it. I think Stacey would have had the same reaction.
One funny thing happened today. While Dad was out with Jim he complained about being itchy. Jim suggested Benadryl and they bought some. Dad was pretty mellow for a while after they got back. I'm thinkin' let's set him up with a constant Benadryl drip.
Jim took him for a drive around to some of the tree stands to check on prices. It sounds like our prices are in line with everyone else's. I talked to
David tonight and he thinks we should just leave everything as-is. If Dad grumbles about anything we can say that he should call David and talk to him. But really, David and I agree that we're all just going to have to get through this the best we can.
So, if things go according to pattern, tomorrow it's my turn to take the Dad bullet.
That drug is an Antipsychotic, not an antidepressant. Maybe AD patients with violent temperments generally need bigger guns but maybe you can talk to David or his doc and see if something lighter can help.
Hey, legadillo's back! Nice to see that instead of that nasty man "Tim" for a change! ;->
uvqxicfv - They're not EVEN trying to make word-like assemblages of letters anymore!
Virginia- It's really hard to know for sure when the right time would be to start him on something and what that something should be. We want him to be able to be himself for as long as possible. Also, I think we're cautious about putting him on a drug for the wrong reasons, such as preserving our own sanity. I think if we really thought it would help him to be happier we'd have no problem doing it.
A lot of the stress is just plain seasonal. Even without the AD he would get crazy during tree season. Today wasn't too bad. He started off being on edge and I thought we'd have a blowup for sure. He's been fretting about these 3 special trees, one for the bank, one for the woman at the bank who he's known for years and one for the church. The 2 bank trees have been delivered and today the church tree went in for fireproofing. I think once that church tree is in place he'll calm down some more.
Anyway, right after we opened today he was getting worked up about the church tree and getting some more stands. He wanted to call Drew and get him here fast. He wanted Jim to load the tree in our truck and rush it down to get the fire retardant. He wanted everything done right away but we had just opened and Jim and I were the only ones here. We kept telling him no, Drew and Stacey were on their way, just wait and we'll get everything done. He was getting more and more agitated. I left the shed for a little while. Jim was alone with Dad which was great because it gave Jim the opportunity to have some words with him. I'll let him post the details of that conversation but he basically said that he wasn't going to make this an emergency for Drew. He told Dad that for the last 4 days he'd been abusive to each of his kids and he didn't think any of us would want to help Dad run his business another year.
I think those words had an impact, even though they were probably forgotten 5 minutes after the conversation was over. Dad went back to his house after that, probably to call Drew. But he was calmer when he came back. Drew showed up and they left with the tree. Drew said Dad got agitated again but calmed down without a big fight. This happened over and over again throughout the rest of the day. Jim and I left for a couple hours to run some errands and when we got back around 6:30 Dad was up at his house having dinner. He didn't come back down and we finished the day without him.
We think if we can find opportunities to say yes to Dad he won't fight us so much when we have to say no. Also, keeping him busy with little jobs seems to calm him down. Jim and I thought maybe we should leave a few things askew at the end of every day so he'd have something to do.
We feel so wiped out and frazzled at the end of the day. I haven't been able the even think about Christmas shopping or getting the decorations out. Jeez, do I even want a tree this year? Frankly, I'd like to skip the whole thing. Except for going to Dede's. That part is fun and relaxing.
You know that wonderful, fresh pine scent that everyone loves? I smell like that every day now and believe me, it's lost its charm.
dcaroe- Yvonne d'Caroe
Vivage sent Donita some more information about antidepressants which sounds encouraging. We'll talk with David about it and the next step would be to call Stan's Dr and discuss it with her, so that's the plan.
Last night I really considered what life looks like without short-term memories; I imagine that it would create a sort-of continuous state of panic, as you're never really sure where you are, what you're doing, or whether it's all right. This, in turn, just has to mess up your hormone levels and mental states. So he copes as best he can, and the way he used to manage emergencies includes finding things and setting them straight (in his theory-z order-barking style).
I don't have much to add to what Doni said about yesterday's conversation between Stan and I except that I pointed out that he's shown he can't do the tree farm without strong support, and that by creating stressful emergencies he's abusing his kids who are doing this in order for him to be able to have the tree farm experience (ie not so much about the profits) he's been losing money on it for years, and he's losing his mind. I don't think anyone's used the phrase "you're losing your mind" with him before; I didn't say it to be hurtful, it's just what came to mind. I did feel that he needed to be reminded about what's important here; the relationships are more important than the money or being right.
Stan's mood seemed very good this morning; he told Donita that, for a change, he didn't have anything that urgently needed doing.
mvnjopyg - the celebrated dancing porcine.
Jim,
I agree with you, he's coping the best he can. It truly seems that when your life is uncontrollable (because of chronic illness) you'll end up trying to control every little thing you can. From afar, this looks like what Stan is doing to help him feel more in control.
I'm glad you guys found the information helpful.
zxcnofui = gawking up food sound.
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