Had myself a good bawl.

It was awesome. Man, I wish I could do that more often. I get to feeling so stuck and aimless and restless and blocked. I walk around feeling like I'd love to have a good cry but it never seems to bubble up to the surface. This one came from out of nowhere (well, not really), just snuck up on me fast. And even while I was in the throes of it I was glad it showed up.

I just got back from the family Christmas thing in San Luis Obispo. Dede brought out some things that came from Dad's house for us all to go through. There was a box of cards and stuff from when Mom died. She also has Dad's date books from 1960 on until 2007 or so. I knew that Dad had kept date books, but I thought that was only in the later years when he needed help remembering things. I was never aware of the earlier books. They mostly dealt with running his businesses, so I figure he probably kept them in his briefcase and only used them while at work. Anyway, I don't remember seeing them when I was growing up.

We read through three of them. These were the ones from the years when Drew, Dede and Stacey were born. I think we all wanted to see how Dad recorded these major life events and maybe even hoped for some insights, or at least a nice story. Nope. Just one line for Stacey's birth. And the page for Drew's birthday was torn out. I don't remember what was written about Dede. Anyway...

But the rest of the pages were filled with notes about his business. He recorded purchases of gasoline and oil changes. He listed the restaurants where he would take clients for breakfast or lunch back in his salesman days. He wrote about some of the things that needed to be done, or what had been done to maintain his trucks and other equipment. He also wrote notes to himself about motivational techniques and ways to deal with (manipulate) customers. When he was relaxed and just making a to-do list the handwriting was even and clearly legible. When he was writing his raging thoughts about ways to improve himself the writing was more harsh and pointed and strayed through the lines of the page. It was like he was trying to get the words down as fast as he could before losing his train of thought. These same ideas were repeated over and over throughout the books, throughout the years, and he always talked about the things he should do to improve himself, and not so much about what he had actually accomplished. I wish he could have acknowledged his own successes in that quest.

I'll connect this all later.

Before Christmas we had some very heavy rains. I noticed a big stain on the ceiling of the tv room. Shit. The roof is leaking. And since we've been back I see the stain has been joined by a few more. I don't know how bad the leak is or how much it will cost to have it fixed, but I do know that when this roof was put on the old gravel roof was left in place. It seems like everything the previous owners did to this place was half-assed. This roof is about ten years old. It shouldn't be leaking.

I've already got some major projects that need to be done. I didn't figure on having to get a new roof. I'm now unemployed, but I have some cash reserves. I was hoping to hang onto as much of that as I can, but I'll do whatever needs to be done to preserve this house. This roof situation is one more thing to add to the list of things that are getting me down right now. I don't think my mind is functioning all that well these days. When things get like this I'm reminded of how much I depended on Jim. I miss my partner. Neither of us was all that good on our own, but together we got things done. We were very good that way.

After wasting most of today watching tv, reading and goofing off on the computer I decided I really need to get out of this house. Earlier I did do something that might help me get out of this funk, or at least help me organize my thoughts and give me some direction. I made a form to help me stay focused and motivated for the next few months while I'm trying to get some very important things accomplished, namely, searching for a job, working on my bathroom, and getting myself prepared for gastric bypass surgery. Lately I've been spinning my wheels on all three. I printed out several copies of the form and put them in a binder. In that binder are copies of my resume and different cover letters to go with the different positions I've applied for. I also have copies of my letters of reference. I'm hoping all this will help me to be more organized with this job search.

I decided to go see True Grit. I took a shower and went into my room to get ready to go. I kept thinking about my stuck situation and thought maybe I should stop by Staples and get one of those Dad date books before I go to the movie. As soon as that thought hit me I was overcome with a blast of emotion. I let loose with a good one. I haven't cried like that in quite a while. I was a little worried the neighbors might hear me! Oh man, I needed that. Really, I feel better.

I know I'll be able to handle what I need to handle. I don't want to spend the money, but at least I have it. As I sat on my bed recovering from my excellent wail I was thinking I could really use a mentor or a counselor or someone like that. A non-spiritual spiritual advisor. I don't want a therapist (at least not right now), but it would be nice to have some wise person to talk things out with who wouldn't want to muck up the conversation with God talk, or advice on crystals and herbs. Years ago I took a meditation class from a Buddhist nun. That was pretty cool. It made me feel very peaceful and clear, but I wasn't always keen on her beliefs. Buddhists aren't ever supposed to get angry about anything, and I think that sometimes getting royally pissed off is the appropriate response for some situations.

Ok, I'm going to dry my hair and go to the movies. And buy a datebook.