Feeling like a fuck up

Not looking for rescue, I just need to vent a little.

2:39 AM. Ugh! I'm feeling a bit off. I hate this restless, aimless thing I get into every once in a while. One problem I have with being single after being part of a couple for so long is I don't have anyone who will just tell me what to do. I don't always trust my own decisions. Sometimes my mind wants to go in a Lucy Ricardo direction and I have to rein it in. Right now I'm working on making some changes around here and I keep wondering if my energies could be better spent doing something else.

But I do want to get this stuff done. I think it will be good for me in the long run. I can't afford to do the major stuff that needs to be done to this house, but I can at least make things function and look better, which will help me feel better. I'm working on getting the tv room ready to move my treadmill in. It just didn't work for me to have it in the back bedroom. I don't know if this will be any better, but I'm going to try it. I've also moved all the records into the house (finally!). All my art stuff will move to the back bedroom. The nice room divider that's back there will move to the tv room and be used as a desk for the record digitizing project. One set of large shelves will be moved to the back for the art stuff.

All this is a lot of heavy lifting, but once it's done, it's done. And I think it will look much better than the mess it's been for four years. AND I can get started on the record project, which I think will be really cool and fun. The treadmill will be facing the tv. If I can sit on my ass and watch Maddow for an hour, I might as well get some exercise.

So, that all sounds pretty positive, but I'm still churning about stuff. I still don't have a job, and I fucking well need one. Soon. I haven't been doing a very good job of taking care of my health (treadmill in tv room, good step), and that's bullshit. It's foolish to let that slide. My car is on its last legs, and I can't afford to replace it. Really, pretty much everything that's bugging me would go away if I had some money coming in.

I'm registered for Spring semester, and if all goes well, this will be my last. Scotty thinks I have enough units to graduate. We're waiting to hear from the Evaluators about the math requirement. I might have taken care of all that at Santa Rosa, but he's not sure if it qualifies. If it doesn't, I'll have to take a math class in the Fall, which would SUCK. Oh well. So here's where I feel like a fuck up. I'm fifty-five years old and I have almost no skills that are useful in today's world. Instead of learning marketable skills, I stayed home and raised kids. NO regrets there, believe me. But, jeez, I sorta, kinda thought I'd have a husband to grow old with. The one I had had a good career and his earnings were going up year after year. I thought we were all set. We both did. Oh well.

So, now here I am. When I worked at RCC I did learn a lot in a short time. I do have some computer skills, but some of these job postings pretty much ask for the moon. I've even seen some that require a Bachelor's degree to do reception work! I know what kind of employee I am, but why should anyone give me a chance when there are so many more skilled and experienced people looking for work? So, yeah, quit whining and go get some skills. Well, I'm working on it.

I really didn't think I'd be out of work for this long. I was surprised when I hit the six month mark. Things are shitty all over.

So, it's more fun to work on my house. It's more fun to do comedy, and work on getting good at it, and dreaming about hitting it big someday (soon!). But I also don't like having that kind of dream, because it seems so foolish and juvenile. Like, when I grow up, I'm going to be a rock star or a pro football player. That shit doesn't happen to real people. But hey, it's already kind of happening to me. The question is, how far will it go?

In the meantime, I pay the bills and watch my savings dwindle.