I give up

I've lost all control. We have a new kitten.

Today when I was leaving to go walk (I never made it) I saw something move out in the driveway. A teeeeeny kitten darted out and hid under the car. I called Paige out to make sure I didn't run over it when I backed up. While we were looking for the kitten I noticed that Zoe was very interested in something in the bushes. I went over there and saw a pair of eyes through the leaves. Paige and I tried to grab her (well, we think it's a her) but she escaped through a hole in the fence. She hid in the bushes behind the house. Paige poked around a little bit and managed to catch her.

She's soooo bony. Who knows how long she was hanging around here or if she has any littermates. But she is oh-so gosh darned cute! She's black with white toes, a white chest and she has white around her black nose. Her fur is long. She hissed at first but her fear is no match for Paige's industrial strength cuddling. Paige took her into the house to stuff her full of tuna. I was SENT to the grocery store for kitten food.

I was planning to take Katie to the vet tomorrow anyway to get her stitches out. I'll take the new kit along to get checked out, sexed, wormed and vaccinated. Spiral is very interested in her but we'll wait a few days before introducing them. Get the baby fattened up a bit.

So, Paige has a new helpless critter to lavish her attention on.

The bunnies are now occupying the new cage. They seem to like it. Good gawd, I hope nothing else shows up that is in desperate need of saving. "Oh look, a starving horse! Can we keep it?"

Man of La Mancha

Mostly pretty good. The set and lighting were awesome. I thought the actors were capable but the characters seemed a bit flat. I thought Don Quixote was played too weepy. I like my Dons to be more noble and strong. Aldonza was all anger and rage. Sometimes I expected to see her do that sideways neck movement, wag her finger and say, "Oh no you didn't!" I wanted to see her a bit more sad. Also, her singing was sometimes screechy. I liked the barber. The really gay barber. I liked Sancho. I loooved the dancing horses.

The best part of the show was Bill singing the Knight of the Woeful Countenence song. It's the only time I actually laughed. I'm not just saying that because he's my friend. For most of the show I was just watching actors perform. Bill entertained me.

Boy, there were some powerful voices in that show. I really enjoyed the singing. Especially at the end where they all belted it out together. Woosh!

The stair lowering sound effect was too loud. I didn't like Aldonza's microphone hanging down over her forehead. She should have had some bangs to hide that thing. She looked like an angler fish.

For the first half of the show I sat in the front row. I moved to the back for the second half. I wish I had stayed up front for Bill's song.

Afterward I went to Applebee's for a late dinner. I had a crappy waitress who was extreeeemely friendly but made me wait way too long for just about everything.

Today we're going to finish the bunny cage.

It's late

Tonight I went to LA to see Janet Klein at the Steve Allen Theater. Man, what a great show! She's completely adorable. I arrived a little late but I got a front row seat. After the show I went to House Of Pies to get some dinner. Janet came walking in with Ian Whitcomb and Vince Cortese and some of the Parlor Boys. I had my program and the cds I bought at the show sitting on the table. They all said hi as they filed by and Janet said, "Hey, you were there tonight!" Yup. I thanked her for putting on such a fun show.

But that's all I'm going to write tonight because I'm tired. Man Of La Mancha opens this weekend. I'm not sure what night I'll see it. Gotta be this weekend, tho. We're going to Sonoma County next week.

Bulldozer bunny

The cage is mostly finished. I just have to make the two lid sections and attach the hardware. After I got the gate done I put the bunnies in just to see how they liked it. After some initial cavorting, Eddie, the big white bunny, found a corner and started digging frantically. She was a bunny on a mission! The dirt is pretty soft so it took her almost no time to dig under the frame of the cage. Lindsay and I watched her while she dug. She'd dig with her front paws and then turn around and push the dirt out of the way. She pushed with her front paws and shoved her body along with her rear legs. It was pretty funny. Walnut, the smaller bunny, would jump in and help her. Both bunnies were having a ball.

I put them back into their cages and left to go pick up Paige. She was hoping she'd be able to skip lining the bottom of the cage but there's no way we can let that pass. When she got home she filled in the hole and then watched Eddie dig it out again. That bun is a digging fool. So, tomorrow we'll line the bottom of the cage with the chicken wire we were going to use for the sides. Once this thing is finished I think it's going to work really well. The bunnies love the soft, cool dirt and they love having enough room to run around. The lid sections will lift up out of the way so it will be easy to get in there to clean the cage. It's in the shade so they'll be cool in the summer.

Man, my arms are sore. I've been using some sleepy muscles.

Bunny cage

Good golly I'm tired. This kind of project always invloves a lot of walking around gathering tools and materials. We used a lot of salvaged wood that was laying around in different places on the farm. Almost all of the pieces had nails in them which had to be removed. That took a lot of time and effort. Paige and I stained all the wood before using it. I figured that would be easier than staining the whole thing after it was assembled.

Some of the wood was pretty dense and hard to saw and drill. It didn't help that one of the bits was dull. My arms and hands got quite a work-out today. Paige was a total trooper. I even had her do some of the masonry drilling. Working with her was a lot like working with Jim. Her ideas for how things should be done meshed pretty well with mine.

So. So far we've got the main frame built. We tried to attach the chicken wire but it quickly became clear that this stuff is way too wimpy and hard to work with. This isn't the same wire we used when we were building cages in the barnyard all those years ago. I saw a different kind of wire at Home Depot that I think will work better. We'll use the chicken wire to line the bottom of the enclosure. That'll keep the bunnies from digging under the frame. We'll bury some on the outside to keep other critters from digging in.

Not everything is working perfectly and it's not what you'd call an elegant structure but I think so far it looks pretty good. I enjoyed spending the day with my girl. She's had a pretty rough time lately and I think today was good for her.

Whew, that was dirty work.

The weekend

I wanted to move on from the anniversary post.

Yesterday I picked Katie up from the vet. She had a lump on her side that finally got big enough to worry about so I had them remove it. The vet said it was difficult to get to because it was between the muscle layers. Poor kitty's got lots of stitches inside. She's pretty out of it. She's usually so strong and active. It's strange to see her like this. I'm keeping her locked up in my bedroom. She really doesn't need Spiral bugging her right now.

I had a nice lunch with Virginia. She's still healing from elbow surgery. No more leisure time for that girl. She has to go back to work on Monday.

This weekend Paige and I are going to build a bunny enclosure in the planting bed under her window. We feel sorry for the bunnies having to live in their two small cages. This new enclosure will give them plenty of room to run around. I'm going to go to Home Depot pretty soon to buy materials.

This will be the first building project I've done totally on my own. Jim and I always did projects together. So, right now I've got him in my head. I've been working out the design and I'm pretty sure I know what I'm going to do. I just hope Paige and I can do the work without Dad coming over to "help". We'll be right outside his office window. I think we'll be ok, tho. Ball games this weekend.

Sunday is the ukulele group meeting. I've been working on Touch Me from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Hee-hee!

May 29, 1982

Today would have been our 25th wedding anniversary.

I don't have much else to say about it. We would have had a nice party. We might have taken a trip somewhere. There'd probably be some kind of silver trinket involved. Jim would have written a poem for me. He did that a lot.

But instead today I'll do some house work, make some phone calls and later I'll take a walk.

Happy Birthday to Dan!

Party at Ken's and Open Mike

It's hard to type. I must have done something to my wrist on Saturday. Strained it, maybe. Yesterday afternoon it started to ache. By evening it was hurting every time I turned it a certain way. It hurts when I try to pick something up with my right hand. Can't turn a door knob with it. I found Jim's old wrist brace and slept with it on last night. Today it still hurts. Anyway...

Yesterday we went to a party at Ken and Sherri's. Lots of people showed up, the usual crowd of family and friends. Such nice people. We had a barbeque and some people swam. The water's still too cold for me. Strange to go to a party at Ken's without Jim.

Afterward I came home, freshened up, cleaned out the car and went to pick up Jeff and Bill to go to open mike in Claremont. When I'm with the two of them I usually don't say much. I just enjoy listening to them knock it around. We went to dinner at a snootyish restaurant. I had this Carribbean combo that was mostly kind of boring. We weren't planning to perform so we could take our time having dinner. A nice change.

A much smaller crowd last night, probably because of the holiday weekend. It was the usual kind of open mike. Some people were very good, some pretty much sucked. At the break I was outside chatting with Bill and Mac. Mac asked me if I was going to perform. He requested that I sing Bosom. Mac is always one of the best performers at open mike so for him to compliment my song was a great big ego feed. There was still one slot left in the second half so I signed up.

The last time I sang it was at the folk festival. I got so nervous I could barely sing it. I don't know why that's happening to me lately. I think it might be because I no longer have Jim's solid keyboard playing to accompany me. I have to get used to performing on my own. Last night I could feel myself getting jumpy as the second half started. Luckily, I remembered that I had some of my Propranolol pills with me. I take it when I need to shut off my tremors and since it's a beta-blocker it's also good for stage fright. By the time it was my turn to perform the jumpiness had subsided. I didn't have any problem singing and the audience enjoyed it. Whew.

After open mike I took the guys back to Bill's. Since it was still early I thought it would be nice to stop in and visit with Virginia. Jeff decided to stay for a while so we all hung out in the living room playing ukes and visiting with Virginia and Zoe. What a nice way to end the evening.

Today I'm goofing off and babying my sore wrist. I'm going to give it a couple days to see if it gets better. If not, I'll go to the doctor. Gotta walk later. Pay bills. Nap.

Uncertainty

I haven't been here in a while. Yes, there's been restless uncertainty along with all those other emotions that are all balled up with grief, but what I'm feeling tonight is that cave-hollow ache that's been with me for four years. Ever since Jim lost his job and we sold our house and moved back to Riverside. Before Jim died it was the worst thing I wrestled with. I got so tired of it. There were so many nights where I sat alone out in the front yard just asking and asking and getting no answers. And then Jim died and everything changed. I had too many new things to deal with. Suddenly I was presented with a very long list of to-dos and I've been marking them off ever since. Uncertainty was put on hold.

But tonight it's crept back in and it still feels the same. That heavy, hollow ache. Where is this going? There's a story that's been writing itself ever since I was a teenager that has now taken off in a new direction. What if it doesn't turn out?

Before Jim lost his job I never felt this way. Yes, everyone knows life is uncertain but we don't (well, at least I didn't) go around feeling it and being reminded of it all the time. We just live our lives and make plans and set goals and try to achieve them. Or we don't. Whatever. I just always went humming along and never felt that uncertainty was a big factor in my life. It was no big deal.

This uncertainty feels the same but it's coming from a different place. Before it was all about Jim and the loss of his job and his inability to get over that loss. I wanted to give him time to heal but that healing never seemed to come. The longer it went on the worse I felt. I became more and more uncertain that we'd ever be able to get our lives back on track. Things did get a little better at the end but it was too late.

So, now what? Since Jim died my life seems to be about a series of upcoming events. I had/have this list of things I needed/need to do before I can start building this new life. I went to Texas, I put Jim's keyboards up for sale, I had the first yard sale. Next, we're going to Santa Rosa for Chelsey's wedding, then we're going to Santa Rosa for a longer visit and the Jim party for our friends up there. For a while now I've had this idea that when I get back from the second Santa Rosa trip it will be time to start the new life. I'll be looking for a job. I'll be making plans for where we're going to live after we leave here. But it's just an idea. It's not like I have any real control over what will happen. And even if I did I might really screw it up.

And that's a big part of my problem. I haven't been an adult on my own since I was in my early twenties. Back then it was all ahead of me and I had little to lose. I made so many mistakes. Some of them were big ones that really set me back and took years to recover from.

Another thing that's weird for me is the whole subject of relationships. I was with Jim for so long that all of my friends were his friends too. We were with other people as a couple. In their eyes am I still Jim's wife? Will it always be that way? I am single now. It's a strange thing for me to know that if someone were to ask me if I'm married my answer would be no.

It's all so weird. So foreign.

Ok, writing this has helped me to feel better. That awful feeling in my chest has gone away. Uncertainty has released its grip for now.

Man, that was kind of exhausting.

Yard sale

Whew! I'm glad that's done!

It was mostly uneventful and mostly unsuccessful. I made about $130. Not one of Jim's computer books sold and hardly any of the paperbacks. Sold lots of the electronics trinkets, lots of tools. Got rid of the very heavy table saw.

Dad drove down at around 1:30. He started ragging on me about my prices. I couldn't get him to understand that I really don't care how much I get for this junk. It's costing me way more than that just to have it in my life. He will NEVER understand that concept. Mr. Big-Barns-Full-Of-Shit will never understand that an object is only worth what someone is willing to pay for it. He doesn't understand that if I don't let it go I'll only have to move it to a new house. That makes this stuff costly. Some of the things I sold today have been through three moves.

He asked me if I'd done one of these sales before. I could see where he was going with this. He asked a bunch of questions that weren't really questions, They were his way of telling me he thinks I'm too stupid to live. So, ok, I'm not raking in the bucks on my crap. I don't care. I think that filling his house, his barns, his barnyard, the area that was supposed to become a duck pond, filling his whole fucking farm with crap makes HIM too stupid to live. All that space he could have used to make his business more successful, space that could have been rented out to other businesses, space that could have been kept more beautiful so that his family would have enjoyed spending time there (which is what he would have loved), all that space has been filled with absolute garbage.

And that happened BEFORE Alzheimer's.

The kids and I moved everything into the sales shed. I'm going to have the next sale in September. That's when I'll get rid of the Halloween stuff and some furniture.

And hey, it's still early! I can go play!

Septic blues

Every once in a while our septic goes kablooey. This morning it erupted. Jim and I would always spend a couple hours trying to snake it out which was always a big, stinky drag. I'm just not willing to do that on my own and I certainly WON'T do it with Dad. First I called a plumber. He suggested we have it tank pumped out before trying to mess with the plumbing. I called Royal Flush. While they were here Dad came over to "help". The guys dug down and found that the tank had been covered with a big sheet of steel that was wedged under a pipe, possibly the water main. Dad for some reason thought the guy was trying to pull a fast one. He said the guy was working me, like I was some dumb rube who was eager to hand over hundreds of dollars so the guy could....what? All he said was the steel is under the pipe and once they get it open they might not be able to close it. I couldn't see how that was ripping us off. But Dad yelled at me and said, "You've never done business with these guys! I HAVE!"

I called Drew. He did his best to keep Dad on the phone but of course that works for only so long.

He was getting this way the other day when the AT&T guys were here. He always thinks people are out to deal him a raw one. Dad, please shut up and go home.

When they finished up Dad stood on my front porch and watched them. He said he wanted to make sure they left without...what? What were they going to steal? Then he started going off about "these guys" and blah, blah, blah. I told him I was done and that I didn't want to hear any more. He kept right on going and I kept saying, "I'm done, I'm done, I'm done." as I'm slowly shutting the door in his face. He stuck his hand in the door so I couldn't shut it. Man, he can be such a total bastard. I said, "I'm DONE!!!!" He removed his hand and finally went home. Then he called 2 minutes later and told me he wants a copy of the receipt. Yeah, whatever.

I took a Xanax and went to bed. Later I got up and took a couple truckloads of yard sale stuff down to the sales shed. I'll work on it some more tomorrow. Then I went to meet Jeff at Mt. Rubidoux for a walk. I was sitting in my car balancing my checkbook when he walked up. His head was completely shaved, like BALD!!!! I actually jumped and gasped! He had done it as part of a cancer fundraiser at his school. They had raised a bunch of money so the kids got to shave his head. Oh my god. He actually doesn't look bad bald. But no, no, no. Maybe when he's 70 he can go all Kojak but right now he still has a nice head of hair. He said this is a one-time thing.

Once I got over the initial shock I laughed my ass off.

Tomorrow, lunch with Virginia. Then it's the final push for the yard sale. Oh yeah, the bees are back in the pepper tree outside the sales shed. Gotta deal with that, too.

Woo-hoo, DVR!

We got the new Uverse system installed today. It took three guys all day to set us up with cable tv, DSL and getting our messed up phone lines fixed. For some reason our line was entangled with Dad's. It was crossed up in their system, too. This new system offers more channels and it's cheaper than what I was paying for satellite tv and DSL. And it has DVR. Now I won't have to stay up late to watch Craig Ferguson. I can record The Dog Whisperer and The Office. We get both the west coast and east coast feeds on a lot of the channels. No IFC, tho. I guess I can live without that.

Wheeee, teeee-veeee!

Tomorrow the keyboard and Hammond parts guys come. After they're gone I'll have the rest of the day plus Thursday and Friday to pull the yard sale together. Gotta remember to place some ads and go to the bank for change. I'm going to get some white plastic tablecloths and some red duct tape at the dollar store to make huge banners for the fence (thank you Freeway Blogger for that idea).

Today was a good day. Got some housework done, got new tv, had a real nice walk.

Moving Mama

I just spent the whole weekend helping Jeff move his mother into a new assisted living facility. It turned into a much bigger job than any of us anticipated. On the whole I thought it went very well. It was just a lot of work. And everything you're trying to do just seems to take twice as long as you think it should. It didn't help that the elevators at the old place seemed to be just as confused as the dotty old folks who were trying to use them. At one point I saw one of the workers had stuck a food cart in the elevator door so It couldn't close. She was holding it so she could gather trays from a few rooms. Hoo boy.

The old place was basically a warehouse for old people. The new (and much more expensive) place is sooo much nicer. It's a newer house in an upscale neighborhood and it houses only six guests. It's owned and run by a Romanian couple. I liked them instantly. The wife is the cook (we've been told that the food is very good) and main caregiver. I get the impression that she runs a tight ship. Her goal for Jean (Jeff's mom) is to get some of her mobility restored. At the old place she had an electric wheelchair. That chair now sits in the garage at Jean's old house. I really thought she'd be angry about losing the chair but today she didn't mention it once. Fingers crossed.

There's still a lot to do but at least we got most everything moved in. Today I spent the afternoon sorting through Jean's clothes, getting rid of things that don't fit or are way too stained. As I was doing that Stacey called to tell me that Drew has been hospitalized with severe abdominal pains. Aparently there's some kind of intestinal blockage. It was a struggle for me to keep from crying in front of Jean. Stacey said they're going to try some kind of minimally invasive procedure to disolve the blockage. I guess there's not much to worry about but you can't help but worry when you get that kind of news. I'll go see him tomorrow.

Well, that was a different kind of weekend. Quite the marathon but I was happy to help Jeff. Jean is his Stan. She can put him through the same kind of stress and grief that Dad sometimes heaps on me. Often on our Rubidoux walks Stan and Jean will be the main topics of conversation. We each have our own geriatric tyrant.

Damn. It's after 1:30 AM and I'm wide awake. I've got so much to do this week. The yard sale is this coming Saturday. I still need to inventory the keyboards and equipment. Still gotta pack a ton of books. Ok, I'm not going to sweat it. What will be, will be.

Cue Doris Day.

Stop the damn rollercoaster

I want to get off.

Gee, I was doing so well for a couple of days. I've been going along, trying to find my way to happiness but I was reminded last night that it's not just about me. I have a couple of girls who are going through the same thing. They won't always share what's going on and just because things look ok on the outside doesn't mean there's not real trouble brewing on the inside. That's all I'm going to say about that here. I'm only mentioning it because it's knocked me off track and I'm back to being on the verge of tears all fucking day long. It's ok, it just means there's still work to do.

I wrote to the admin of the Hammond organ group that Jim used to post to. I told her about the two organs and the Hammond parts and asked if there was someone in the southern California area who would be interested in them. She gave me two names. One is a technician who would be interested in the parts and one who is a dealer who would be interested in the organs. I've contacted both of them. The parts guy is coming next week.

The organ guy is a dealer in San Diego. He's an eBay power seller. I told him about Jim's other keyboards and he got very interested. He asked me how I was planning to sell them and I told him about the upcoming yard sale. He really thinks it's a bad idea to sell them that way. I told him I didn't want to sell them on eBay because I didn't want to deal with the shipping and the hassles that can come when a buyer backs out. He said he deals with this stuff all the time and he's also handled liquidating estates for people.

I know what some of you are thinking. Red flag, right? But I trust him because the Hamtech people gave me his name. I really don't think they would steer me wrong. I'm pretty sure Jim would approve of my handling it this way. And I've met the top two guys in the Hamtech group. They were Jim's friends. I feel ok about this. And yes, I'll check his ID.

So, this week I'm going to take a better inventory of the instruments and other equipment. He'll bring up a trailer and take everything and put it all on eBay. He'll handle all the selling and shipping and we'll agree on a percentage for his cut.

Up and down, up and down, white knuckles, screaming...

This afternoon Paige called me and said she and her friends were in a pet shop and she's found a bunny she wants to buy. She's been wanting to get a buddy for her bun so I said ok. I joked with Lindsay that Paige knows I can't say no to her right now. I know that's not really true but the timing made me laugh. So, now we have another (female, I hope) rabbit. After the yard sale I'm going to build an enclosure for the two of them in the planting bed outside Paige's window. Oh my. Two dogs, four cats (including Kyle's) and now two rabbits. I'm so glad I got rid of the damn fish.

And then there's that old guy next door...

Getting ready for the yard sale

I'm starting to load up the truck with books and stuff, things I won't fret about if they get stolen. I'm going to take them down to the sales shed and store them in there until the sale. I want to take things early so I'm not stressed the day before the sale. I've been looking up prices for the books, marking them and putting them in boxes. So far, so good. I've found some that are worth enough to hold onto for an eBay sale. I'll deal with those later.

Today I did some work on the workshop area. There's a LOT of electronics stuff. Just little bits of dinky things mostly but there are a few larger items. I'm putting everything into an electronics grab bag, really a box, and marking it $50. There's at least one item in there that retails for $50 so I'm sure the buyer won't be disappointed. It's all weird stuff that normal people wouldn't have the slightest clue what to do with but I'm hoping to draw some nerds to the sale. The whole time I was loading up that box I kept thinking about what Jim would say. I also think about that when I'm looking up the prices on his keyboards and gear. This is all so weird. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like it but what the hell am I supposed to do?

I went through a lot of the tools. When I move I'm only taking things that I know how to use. I want my garage arsenal to be lean and mean without a lot of junky bits. The junky bits make me crazy. And I don't need three hack saws.

Today was productive. I'm not going to sell the Halloween stuff at this sale. I'm doing another one in September so that will be a good time for selling Halloween. I'm also starting to think I should have a sale in August. We'll see how this one goes.

Man, it's going to feel soooo good to get rid of this stuff. Everywhere I look there's clutter. It seems like half of it is stuff I don't know how to use, or even what it is!

Hey, you muthas

Happy Mutha's Day!

Nothing special planned here. It's not like I can chow down on a big breakfast. The kids had asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day and I told them nothing. And I meant it. All I want is for someone to take the trash cans down to the street. I'm a cheap date.

I'm planning to spend the day reading and puttering around the house. I might do some trailer work. Gotta get ready for the yard sale in 2 weeks.

Have a lovely day, everyone!

Mmmm, sleeping with plastic

Got a mouth guard yesterday. Ugh! Twenty dollars for the cheapest model.

Ok, first you take it out of the package. It's huge! Then you put it in your mouth and check the fit. Then you gag horribly and take it out of your mouth. Then you walk around the house for 15 minutes trying to find something that'll trim it down to size (scissors will do). Then you cut a little off and stick it back in your mouth. You gag again. Then you cut off some more and stick it back in your mouth. Then gag. Repeat this process until you've chopped off almost all of the sides (about ten bucks worth of plastic). Then when you've found the magic non-gagging size bite down on it until your teeth fit into the groove and you can make a light impression. Gag again. Remove torture device.

Boil it in water for 30 seconds. Take it out and dip it in cold water for one second (except you're afraid you'll burn your mouth so you dip it for two seconds). Then, fighting the gag reflex, you put the soft, mishapen blob of plastic in your mouth, try to find the groove for your teeth, bite down and shape it around your teeth and gums. Try not to gag. Really, don't gag. Don't gag. Don't gaaAAAAAGGGGHHHHCCCCHHHH@$#&*!!!!!! Expel vile object.

Dip it in cold water for 30 seconds to set. Peel off support strip. Congratulations! You have just made your own mouth guard that DOESN'T fit your mouth! Now insert it and go to bed. Lay awake for hours drooling onto your pillow. Eventually fall asleep and dream about sucking on a giant piece of Costco plastic packaging.

Awake refreshed.

WTF????

I came home after my Rube walk and fixed myself a lovely salad with salmon. When I took the first bite my jaw popped so hard I thought I had bitten down on a rock. With every bite it popped and cracked like I had rocks the size of marbles stuck in my jaw. DAMMIT!!!! This is awful! I yawned a little while ago and it went pop, pop, POP.

It's never done this before! This was totally out of the blue. And it's not just a little pop. It really feels like my bones are breaking to bits when I open and close my mouth. Right now I'm afraid to even speak. The left side of my jaw hurts.

Ok, now I'm pissed.

Feeling pretty good.

Maybe it's the low carb diet, maybe it's all that exercise I'm getting lately. I just feel good. Physically and emotionally. My only complaints are my crunchy neck, my spasmy back and my poppy knee. Not too pleased about that stuff. But my energy is good and today...

I
feel
happy.

A while back Dede found the home movies of our wedding. She put them on a dvd for me and today I watched it for the first time. Really, the first time. The picture and sound quality are poor but it's still awesomely cool to watch. I didn't get weepy at all. I just enjoyed it.

Got some housework done, finished reading the 5th Harry Potter book and I had a great walk up Mt. Rubidoux. I came home and cooked up a load of chicken and salmon so I've got some easy-to-grab protein for the next several days.

Tra-la-la!

Yeah, I know, it's all small stuff. But it's such a relief to not feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I know this won't last. There's still much more "grief work" to do. I do know that. But today I felt like my old self, like the Donita who is just naturally happy. I'm glad she still exists!

Folk Fest and Julia Sweeney

Friday Virginia and I went to lunch together. She's taking a few weeks off work while her elbow heals from surgery. We had such a nice time together. We talked about the people in our lives. Talked about Jim a lot. Of course I got weepy. I hate doing that in public but what am I going to do, hide myself away? I love talking to her. She often brings up things I never would have thought of.

Saturday morning Jeff picked me up and we went to the Claremont Folk Festival. This year it was held at an elementary school, a really sweet, friendly place. Jeff was helping out with the morning shift. I took off on my own and did a little shopping at the booths. Then I went to a penny whistle workshop. Not very interesting but how far can they get with a room full of beginners (me included). After that I had lunch with the three Odien boys. Then we went to the open mike in the auditorium.

It seemed like most of the time there were only about 6 people in the audience for open mike. They didn't seem too worried about sticking to a schedule. The Canaries performed a few songs. They weren't very well prepared and they ended their fade-out songs by backing away from the mikes, which was pretty damn funny, Still, they were very entertaining. They ended their set with I Shall Be Released. Ah, those Odien voices! They are some of the best singers I know.

They all encouraged me to get up and sing something. I hadn't really planned to perform but since there were only a few people there and most of them were my friends I decided to get up there and sing the Bosom song. I was surprised at how nervous I was! This has been happening to me lately. I get so shaky that I can barely sing. I'm starting to get a little concerned about that. The audience enjoyed Bosom. I sang two more songs, Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow and Tin Foil Hat. Later that afternoon a guy told me how much he enjoyed Bosom. Jeez, I hope I can write another song someday!

Later I took a Contra Dancing class. Loved it! Contra Dancing is like square dancing in that they use a caller but there are no squares. Just about any number of couples can participate. It was really fun. You can't help but smile when you're Contra Dancing. And I got my workout for the day.

After that I went to find Jeff. I poked my head into the uke workshop and found him there. Sitting in front was John Rockwell and this awesomely dressed little old man. Jeff said he was Bill Tapia, a uke legend. How cool! John had gotten Bill Tapia to do his workshop with him! You can read about it on Jeff's blog. I couldn't stay for the whole thing because Lindsay and Kyle were coming to pick me up to take me to the next big event of the day.

We went to watch the filming of Julia Sweeney's new movie, Letting Go Of God. If you've seen God Said Ha! it's pretty much the same format; Julia, alone on stage, telling her story. This time she's talking about her struggle examining her belief in God. At one of the shows she did with Jill Sobule we bought the Letting Go Of God cd and Julia signed it for Jim. He was a big fan of hers. Near the end of his life he was also exploring that same question and had pretty much come to the same conclusion.

We got there early enough to get great seats. I was front row center, about six feet from Julia. For most of the show I was having a great time. She's very funny. But then she got to the part of the show where she was talking about letting go of her belief in God meant she had to also let go of her belief in the afterlife. She had to accept that those loved ones who had died were gone, really gone forever. Her brother, who had died of cancer, her father, one of her dear friends. I started thinking about Jim and the idea that no part of him existed anymore. That he is truly gone. The tears started to flow. And flow. And FLOW!

So, there I am, in the front row, crying out of control, with Julia Sweeney trying to film her movie and give a good performance. Most of the time she was looking out over the audience and performing to the cameras but she couldn't have missed the meltdown that was happening right in front of her. And I couldn't get up and leave the room because they would have had to stop filming and find someone to replace me in the front row. That would have created a continuity problem. Yes, they were also filming the audience. Now, I'm so afraid that when this movie comes out they'll use footage of me, weeping like a crazy person, to really bring home a particularly touching moment. Shit.

When it was all over I got out of there pretty fast. I went into the restroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Oh GAWD! My eyes looked like they had been bathed in lemon juice and stabbed with an ice pick. They were red and Rocky Balboa puffy. I reeeeaaally hope I don't end up in this movie.

This morning I wrote to Julia on her blog to apologize and explain why I was so out of control. Who knows if she'll actually get the message. Now, the only reason I wrote about this here is to talk about what happened. I don't want anyone telling me that Jim is still with me or he's looking down upon me from on high because I don't believe that that's the truth. And really, no one, no matter what their beliefs, can really know for sure so don't try to comfort me with that. It wouldn't make me any less sad to think he's floating around somewhere. He's gone. I have my memories of our 34 years together and I have his music. His lives on in his daughters who are a source of joy and comfort for me. I'm sad that he's gone but I'm also grateful for the time we had together. Most people don't have what we had. I'm a very lucky woman. Holding everything in this way helps me to look to the future with excitement, anticipation and happiness. And yes, even a little fear. But that's life.

And life is what I have.

More work in the trailer.

I sorted through more stuff today. Moved a lot out to the apartment. Now I have two pages of music equipment inventory. I looked it all up on the web to get the values. Quite a range there.

I'm also going through my stuff in the trailer. I find that I'm ready to let go of a whole lot. That's a good feeling. I'm starting at the back of the trailer, moving sale items forward and moving the stuff to keep to the back. It feels good to see some progress already.

Right now I'm thinking that I'll put ads in the Riverside, San Bernardino and LA papers for the yard sale. Also, Craig's List. I need to figure out a way to hook up all the keyboards and other equipment so people can demo it and make sure it's all working. I'm sure it is. Jim used this stuff.

Bleah. My neck really hurts. It's stiff and crunchy. Damned arthritis. This whole job would be much easier if it weren't for that.

I'm going for a walk.

First of May

"Maybe I'll see you in flagrante delicto..." Nah, probably not. I wonder how many Jonathan Coulton fans are running around singing that song today.

I'm back! Great visit with Dean! Yesterday I walked around Austin (ALL of Austin, I think). It was stormy and rainy but it was also warm so I had no problem being outside. After Dean got off work we went for some deelish Mexican fish soup (tasted like Nana's gumbo) and then she took me to the airport. The flight was blessedly uneventful except for the end. After we landed we had to wait for a truck to pull the plane to the gate. A hundred adults with full bladders and two screaming babies had to wait for about 20 minutes on a plane that was just 30 feet from the gate. Uncomfortable.

Lindsay and Kyle picked me up. It's always so nice to get home. Today I'm goofing off. Tomorrow I'm diving in and getting ready for our big yard sale at the end of this month.

But right now I'm going to make a pot of tea.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

The visit with Ruth and the Butchers was a good one. Tuesday evening we had a nice dinner at Joe and Molly's with Chris, Daniel and Uncle Buddy. Wednesday we went to Hondo to see Ruth. She's very weak and can barely get enough breath to speak so it was had to have a conversation with her when we were in the common rooms. When we were outside it was better. I played my uke and sang for her. On Wednesday it was just us out there but when we went back on Thursday we ended up with a bigger audience. It was fun and everyone said they enjoyed it. It was hard to leave Ruth. That is probably the last time I will see her.

Wedensday night we had dinner with Bubby, Sarah, Audrey and Sarah's kids. Little Maverick had just gotten over a very serious illness. Poor dude had an infection in his brain stem. Scary stuff. It's left him with double vision but the doctors said he should get over that soon. We had a good time with everyone.

On Friday Dean and I drove to Houston so see an exhibition of paintings by French masters. Hoo boy, it was crowded. Had a great time, though. I spent a lot of time looking at Van Gogh's painting of cypress trees. Seriously, I was moved to tears. Ok, so that's not hard to do but damn, that painting was disturbing and beautiful.

That night we had an awesome sushi dinner and then went to this reeeeally run down bar across the street to see C.J. Chenier and his band. Bon temps roulez! It was a smoky, tiny place that was hoppin' to the rafters! Whenever the dance floor was empty this one guy was out there dancing on roller skates. He was really fun to watch. It was also fun to watch the dancers. Especially the men. (Mothers, make your boys take dance lessons. It's your gift to the women of the world.)

Last night Dean, KC and I had dinner at the Belmont. It's this uber-cool, Rat Pack restaurant in Austin. Very dark inside with booths with green tuck-n-roll upholstery. You almost expect to see Dean Martin come strolling through the door. Then we went back to KC's and watched Bill Mahr. We spent the night there. Now I'm back at Dean's. Greg's going to grill some ribs for us tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to kick around Austin while Dean is at work. Then I'm flying home.

See you all soon!

Blogging from Texas

I made it here just fine. The flight was uneventful and that's a good flight. We had a yummy steak dinner and watched the latest Bond movie. I konked out early. This morning I slept in. Dean had to work so I was here on my own. I spent a lovely, leisurely day hanging out with the dogs and reading. Oh yeah, I also went to a good, long walk. Ah, that warm, muggy Texas air.

Dean came home at around 3:30 to pick me up and go to the movies. We saw Hoax at the Alamo Draft House. I love the Alamo. It's a chain of movie theaters where they took out every other row of seats and installed these long, thin tables. So you can watch a movie and eat pizza and drink beer. Hoax was underwhelming but we still had a good time. Now we're just hanging out.

Tomorrow I'm taking Dean's car to Joe and Molly's. I wonder what they'll think of her liberal, anti-Dubya bumper stickers? I'm spending the night with them and then we're going to see Ruth. So, you might not hear from me for a few days.

I'm gonna meander a bit before I go to the Butcher's. Maybe check out Garden Ridge Pottery and the SAS outlet. Hey, I'm on vacation.

See y'all in a week!

Yes, that's right. I said "y'all".

I'm going to be at Dean's in Austin from Sunday til Tuesday morning. Then I'm going to Molly and Joe's Tuesday afternoon. They're going to have a little party for my Tuesday night. Then Wednesday we'll see Ruth and then go to the ranch. I'll see Ruth again that afternoon and again on Thursday morning. Then it's back to Austin until Monday when I'll be flying back home.

Ah, the ranch. It's so much better since they built that wrap-around porch. You just want to sit there for hours and hours listening to the birds. This place is way out in the middle of freakin' NOWHERE. Molly and Joe keep the bird feeders well stocked so the birdies stick around. The sound is just amazing.

Dean and I are driving to Houston on Friday to see this. That's gonna be a fun day. Looking forward to it greatly.

I'll blog from Texas. Probably no e-mail, tho. The guy who could tell me how to get to it from a different computer isn't with us anymore.

Have a great week, everyone! Virginia, keep healing!

I can see!

I picked up my glasses from Costco today. I opened the case, put them on and SPROINNNGGG!!! Everything jumped into clear focus! It was like, ooh, I can read! Wow, look at the weave of my jacket! EEK! Look at the wrinkles on my hands! Ok, I'll go put some gloves on and read a book.

Ah yes, now I really know those drugstore cheaters weren't doing it for me. This is much more comfortable. I also got the non-reflective coating so I'm not staring at my own eyeballs all the time.

Yes, this is much better.

What is this thing?

Yesterday I started cleaning Jim's stuff out of the storage trailer. Right now I'm only dealing with things that I can easily make decisions about. I made a lot of progress yesterday and ended up with a big box of trash. Today I worked on clearing out a few more boxes. One of them really stumped me.

It was a box of miscellaneous cords, electronics, discs, cassettes and general nerd crap. Some of these things were in special anti-static packaging. There are a couple of mostly featureless plastic boxes that look like you're supposed to plug them into a computer. There are some small labels on them that list some numbers but nothing that says what they actually are. There are boxes of computer chips. There's this one really complicated looking piece of metal that's covered (encrusted more like) with resistors and capacitors and general electronicky crap that's enclosed in a scary-looking, anti-static pouch that frankly I was afraid to open.

And the cords! Holy shit! Mike cords, guitar cords, video cords, widow makers and mystery cables. Some of them are cords he made from scratch. Some are just pieces of wire. All of them are tangled beyond belief. I think they're breeding in there.

As I'm going through this stuff I'm laughing, then crying, then laughing again. I kept saying, "What the hell did you do to me??? You left me with THIS!!!! What the hell IS THIS???"

I set that box aside. At the back of the trailer are boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes and freakin' BOXES of books. And they're not any books that normal people read. Check out these titles. Elements Of Reusable Object-Oriented Software (a real page turner), WIN 32 Programming Using Visual C++(can't put it down), ASP In A Nutshell (there's a snake on the cover but it's not about snakes), and the verrrry sexy Objects, Components and Frameworks With UML, The Catalysis Approach. That's just FOUR of them! (Right now Dan, Brian, Dave and Ray are asking jeez, what's HER problem?)

I'm going to Texas for a week. When I get back I'm going to dive in and get the first wave of stuff figured out. Then I'm having a yard sale at the end of May. The next sale will be in September. Some of the equipment and books will be sold at the yard sales, others will be put on eBay or on Craig's List. I'll be working on finding out that the values are on all this stuff.

Ok, all you nerdy tinkerers out there, be good to your wives. Get rid of your goofy shit NOW!

Ikea with the girls

Michele had never been to Ikea and I've been talking to Virginia about it so hey, let's go! Kind of a spur of the moment kind of thing. I'm glad Virginia got to go. I knew she and Michele would hit it off. We had a great time and we got out of there without spending too much money. It was a very pleasant afternoon.

Came home and had dinner and a couple bottles of wine. We were going to watch a couple of movies but I didn't make it too far. I konked out early. Gee, I wonder why?

Michele's visit has been a lot of fun. She's leaving this evening. Damn. All my bestest girlfriends are scattered around in 4 different states and none of them live in Riverside. But I will say I'm very happy about getting reaquainted with Virginia. She's fun to be with, easy to talk to and we have a lot in common.

One reason I've enjoyed Michele's visit so much is because she knew Jim so well. We have so much shared history. Lots of good times. Last night we listened to some of the music that the three of us made together. I'm sad that there won't be any more but I also am so thankful for what we had, for all that we did together. Damn, it was fun.

In a little over a week I'm going to Texas to see Dean and visit Ruth, probably for the last time. But hey, you never know.

What a FUN movie!

Grindhouse! I haven't had that much fun seeing a movie in a very long time. What a ride! I'm all churned up.

Michele is here and we're having a wonderful visit. Yesterday was spent doing a lot of running around getting stuff together for Lindsay's birthday party, which was today. We also went to Ramona to watch the Winter Drumline's practice. Their last show was today. I'm glad Michele got to see it.

This morning we got up early and went to Jeff's mother's house to help him with their big yard sale. Man, we were hauling stuff out of that house non-stop. We just kept taking things out to the front yard and people just kept buying. Michele and I left around noon. We had to go home and do party food and such. We had fun at the yard sale. (So, Jeff, how much did you rake in?)

Lindsay's party was small, just a few friends. Michele and I set out the food and made cupcakes. After helping with party games she and I left for the movie. Now, I hadn't seen any commercials or the trailer for this movie. All I knew was Kurt Russel is in it. Rory saw it and he's been dying to talk to me about it. I've told him NOT to tell me ANYTHING. I wanted to have absolutely no pre-conceived ideas or expectations about it other than the fact that it's a Quentin Tarantino movie and we all know what a romp those can be. So, I won't ruin it for you. Michele and I really enjoyed it. Like, reeeeeaaaally. I want to see it again while it's still in the theaters.

And now I'm going to bed. I have a feeling I'm going to be seeing fast-moving images whenever I close my eyes. It might be a while before I'm actually calmed down enough to go to sleep. Man, I hope I don't dream about it.

Thinking of kittens and duckies right now. Cool, calm waters. Oh look, a fern covered in early morning dew. Breathe in, breathe out...

Damn, now the kitten has a gun.

W

Yesterday I had my eyes checked at Costco. I filled out forms before the appointment. Up in the right hand corner of one of the forms were the boxes labled S M W D. I've never paused over those letters before. I just automatically marked the M box. This time I had to stop and think about it. Oh yeah, I'm a W now. Kinda weird how stuff like that comes up. Little things.

And really, for an eye exam I don't see how it's any of their damn business.

My eyes are healthy but old. I like the new machine that blows a puff of air at your eye to test the pressure. No more magic puncture pen. I hate that thing. Boy, my left eye is much worse than the right. No wonder the drug store cheaters don't work so well. I'm looking forward to getting new glasses. I'll be able to read!!!

We went to dinner at BJ's for Lindsay's birthday. Jessica and her friend Lindsay were there! My eyes were still dilated but I could still recognize them from across the room. The other Lindsay came over to our table and requested I sing the Bosom song. I had sung it for them at the Easter party on Sunday. I obliged. It was funny singing that song in BJ's with the pop music playing in the background. Bosom with a beat.

When we got home I went into the bedroom and did a little reading (Harry Potter, The Zone). I was reminded of how uncomfortable it has become. I'll get the glasses in two weeks.

Happy Easter!

What a nice day! This morning everyone (including the bunny) met in the living room to check out the baskets. Lo and behold, this time I got one! Thanks, girls! Yes, it made me cry. They gave me a bunch of low-carb candy. They also included a box of See's butterscotch squares (not low-carb!) which are my absolute favorite. They also included some sugar free Peeps. Hmmm. Them things ain't Peeps. They had an almost leathery texture on the outside. But they had high entertainment value as we passed them around and had everyone try them. When I handed it to Paige she LEAPT up from the sofa yelling. That bit of action had nothing to do with the Peep and everything to do with the bunny peeing on the leather sofa and Paige sitting in the puddle. Now THAT was funny!

Then we went out for the egg hunt. Man, the older these kids get the more cut-throat the egg hunt. The two boys added a level of competitiveness not usually experienced at a Smith family egg hunt. We had a good time. Missing Jim, though.

Then we gathered up the foodstuffs and headed for Ken's. That was one awesome feast. Grilled marinated tri-tip and chicken thighs, salad, beans, cheesy bread, chicken salad, grilled green onions and cheesecake for dessert. We were STUFFED. Even now I'm kind of uncomfortable.

Tomorrow is Lindsay's and Jessica's birthday. The cheesecake was for them. We also bashed a pinata in the front yard. And why not? Then Paige, Lindsay and Kyle left and I hung out with Ken, Jessica and Anthony for a while. Amber showed up later with a friend. Ken and I went through some Casual Sunday songs just to see what we can still do without Jim. There are several that will sound just fine with two guitars and a uke. We can still do a show! It was an all around pleasant day and we had a good time.

Ugh! I really need to get this knee looked at. It's getting worse and it's keeping me from exercising. I feel like I've gained a few pounds (depressing!). I'll make an appointment tomorrow. Michele's coming for a visit and Lindsay's birthday party is next weekend. After that, we're all going low carb. That should help the knee a little but I'll bet I'm going to need surgery. I'll see if I can schedule it for when I get back from the Texas trip.

Riding my bike doesn't seem to bother the knee so I'm going to start taking bike rides in the evening. I need to get a better seat and some higher handle bars. Right now my hands go numb after I ride for a while. I need to make the bike more comfy so I can ride longer.

Spring is here and I'm feeling hopeful. I know I'll feel much better once I can really walk again. I miss the Rube.

Ow, my back...

I think I need a new mattress. This one is 9 years old and it's spent its life having Jim and me sleep on it. I do believe it's shot. A king size mattress is pretty expensive. Maybe I should get a queen sized bed now. The king bed takes up a lot of space. I do like this bed, though. Jim and I built it.

I guess I'll just flip the mattress for now and see if that helps.

Last night I went to Ken's. We played a little music but mostly we just got drunk and talked. It was good. He told me some stories about him and Jim when they were little kids that I had never heard. I laughed so hard! Did some crying, too. Actually, a lot of crying. Good, hard, cleansing, drunken crying. And then suddenly Ken would say something that got me laughing so hard I'd practically fall off my chair. I loves me bro!

Tomrrow we're having an Easter party over there. Just us adults. We're going to take the trebuchet Lindsay made and see if it'll launch Easter eggs. Hmmm, we could set them on fire!

So, I need to take a pain killer and get on with the day. Gotta go to Costco.

Easter bunnies

We might be gittin' us a crop of 'em.

Today Paige cleaned out the bunny's cage and found a big wad of fur in her bed. Rabbits pull fur from their chests about 5 days before they give birth. Our bunny may be nesting (we did some Googling this afternoon). Gestation is around 31 days and we've only had her in a cage for about 2 weeks. So, now we're on a birth watch.

I'm going to ride my bike to the store and pick up some stuff for Dad. I'm bored and I need the exercise.

Anticipation

I don't like it.

Stuff's out there, on the horizon, waiting for me. I'm waiting for it. I'm on the verge.

Some days are weirder than others. Some days are more sane. But the others... There are days where I'm stopped dead in my tracks, staring, wondering, asking, "What the hell happened???" How could he be gone, like, GONE??? The whole thing happened so fast. Stroke, four days, death, a week later, party. It's been two and a half months. Such a short time but so much has happened. So much has changed. More change to come.

This usually comes upon me in the evenings. I'll go out and sit in one of the wooden chairs and look at the view. Tonight I went out there just as the full moon was rising. Then came a wash of heavy sighs and it was hard to catch my breath. I was looking at the big picture. Getting a job, a new place to live. Then I thought about leaving here and it was just too much. I will really, really miss this place. It's shabby but it's awesome and I'm so lucky to have lived here. I was out there in the dark watching the planes come in for a landing. That's what got to me. Those planes are as much a part of this place as the houses, the Christmas trees and the view of Box Springs mountain.

I'm really looking ahead now. What's next? A trip to Texas, a trip to Sonoma County. I want to head north at some point for a visit with Michele and the Powers'. Getting a job, moving. Soon my girls will move away. What will this life look like five years from now?

And all I can do right now is deal with what's right in front of me. I want to give it all a push and say, "Come on! Get on with it!"

Ah, the wonder of it all.

Crying in Ikea

Today was a really good day. I took Rory to Santa Ana to be trained for his new job at EZ Lube. He had to be there at 8:45 this morning. Traffic was TERRIBLE! But we made it on time. Man, that place was hard to find. It was at the corporate offices. After I dropped Rory off I headed down Harbor blvd. to find a coffee shop so I could get some breakfast. I ended up at a Baker's Suqare just 2 blocks from Disneyland. Crappy breakfast. I decided not to go to Disneyland and go to Ikea instead. I figured it would be cheaper than Disneyland. Heh, heh! WRONG! I spent too much money but I took care of some birthdays and a wedding gift so I'm ok with it.

When I was browsing through the lighting department Paige called. She said she just wanted to tell me that she loved me. I had been thinking about her a lot this morning and I guess she was thinking about me too. She said she really felt like she needed to tell me. So there I am, crying my eyes out in Ikea talking to my sweet girl. Things haven't been so great with us lately. Sometimes we go on thinking everything is ok when it isn't. I was really glad to be able to talk to her about it. It was hard, though. I can't talk and cry at the same time.

Woo hoo, got lots of fun stuff! They have their summer things in. Lots of fun lighting. I did resist the urge to buy this cool patio chair for $89. It's rocker with a circular frame that's strung with bungee cord. When you sit in it it's all bouncy and verrrry comfortable. I didn't like the color, tho. So, instead I got some light strings that look kind of like clear lolly pops, light strings with cool, cute flowers, a new comforter cover (PURPLE!), a hammock, magazine organizers for Kyle, some psychedelic lights for the girls and some other stuff that I can't write about because they're for upcoming birthdays.

After I was finished there I still had about 4 hours to kill. I decided to try to find a movie theater and see Blades Of Glory. Turns out there's a mall with a theater just down the street from Ikea. They had a Nordstrom's closeout store. I found four pairs of silk trousers that were majorly marked down, one of them is a Citron (my favorite label). Squeee! I love wearing silk. The colors aren't quite right but silk dyes easily and they were so cheap I can afford to experiment a little.

Then I had lunch (fish tacos) at this great Mexican restaurant. Then I went to the movie. Yes, Dean, I laughed my ass off! It wasn't a screamer like Borat but at least it was a whole lot easier to watch. I got out at around 4:00, just in time to go pick up Rory. Traffic on the way home was a bitch but we knew that was going to happen. Ah... A day of shopping therapy with a good meal and a fun movie. Time for The Daily Show, jammies and a glass of wine.

Ukuleles in the basement, pizza and pie.

Today was the second meeting of the Riverside Ukulele Liberation Front. Almost everyone brought a song or two for everyone to learn. Cool stuff! We spent more time tuning this time so the sound was much better. Cousins Steve and Debbie showed up and listened for a while. They're going to tell Janet about the group and see if she wants to join.

I rode my bike there today. Not a bad ride but it was kind of hot. Still, it was good to get the exercise. I think I might do that every time. It reminded me of riding my bike to banjo lessons when I was in highschool. Except that my banjo case was not travel friendly.

After the uke meeting Bill and Virginia invited me out for dinner with the family. They were celebrating both Jeff's and Bill's birthdays. I rode my bike to their house and hung out for a while with them and the kids. Fun scene. We dinked around a bit on ukes and guitars and listened to some music. Liam has nice friends. Then we went to California Pizza Kitchen for dinner. Jeff brought Jean, their mom. She's wheelchair bound so it can take a long time to transport her. We had a nice dinner with lively conversation (exploring the intricacies of the pie-ness of pie). Afterward we went to Borders. This is a typical Sunday evening for the Odiens. I had a good time.

Tomorrow I'm taking Rory to Santa Ana for training for his new job. I haven't had time to get the iffy tire on the van changed so we're taking the truck. Rory isn't comfortable driving such a long distance on the freeway. I'm happy to drive him. It's going to be a long day but I'm sure I'll find something interesting to do in Santa Ana. Once he's trained he can start working right away. He's been out of work for a while and I know it's made him unhappy.

Hey, I could go to Disneyland! Seriously, I just might do that.

Air show!

Well, that was fun!

This morning I got up mega early and started putting the party together. Everything worked out, timing-wise. Everybody showed up pretty much at the same time. Thank you to Virginia and Venitia (sp?) and Corrina for helping me put out the food. We had breakfast burritos, fruit, muffins and mimosas. Thank you Lindsay and Kyle for taking on the coffee project. I think the food worked out pretty well.

Today we had Virginia, Bill and Jeff, Ken and Sherri, John, Venitia and her daughter Corrina, cousins Steve and Debbie, Lindsay and Kyle and me. Dad was there earlier with a couple of church ladies but they didn't stay long. I did tell Dad they could stay but Helen and Laurel said they had to leave.

The show was slow getting started. Both Ken and I think it has been better in past years. Still, it was a fun day. Check out the photos on Virginia's blog. I told everyone to bring their ukes and guitars. We messed around with some music during the lulls. Just as Kyle, Lindsay and I were singing Why Not? the stealth fighter came zooming over. And really, Why Not?

Check out the photo of Bill with a jet zooming through his head. That plane was moving seriously fast. Virginia caught it just right!

The party broke up at around 1:30. The show had gotten pretty dull (dang, where are my loud jets?) and we were FRYING in the sun. We threw everything in the back of the truck and drove it back down. Thanks for helping me pack up, everyone. I came in the house and crash landed on my bed. Had a good hour and a half nap. Right when I woke up my noisy jet showed up. It was TINY (as jets go). I couldn't believe that much sound came from such a dinky plane.

Hector came over and mowed the yards. Big, big improvement. The place looks pretty good now. Lindsay and Kyle went to see Meet The Robinsons in 3D in Hollywood. Paige is out with Rory and I'm here alone. I might just go see Meet The Robinsons at the Plaza. It's Saturday night. Things will be hoppin' down there.

I'm so angry I could scream

I'm mostly angry at myself for not predicting it. But it's not me I want to strangle right now.

I've invited some friends to come here on Saturday to have breakfast and watch the air show. I told Dad because I didn't want him to flip out when he sees a bunch of strange cars driving up to the top of the hill. This morning a jet and a few planes flew over, probably some performers showing up early to practice. Dad's been calling me all morning. "Gotta call Stacey and tell her to bring all of her chairs! Some of the church people are coming!!" I told him no, it's not that kind of party. I've invited MY friends. Well, that's it, he's off and running. Now there's going to be a lot of church people here for my party. (Excuse me if you're offended by this but) GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't want this! I wanted to have a nice, fun morning with friends, having breakfast and watching the cool planes. I was really looking forward to it. Now it's going to be a bunch of people I don't know. Old people who need help. Little whiny kids I don't know. Dad swears he's done this every year but it certainly hasn't happened in the three years that we've been here. He always goes to the kids' ballgames and I assumed he'd do the same this year. Well, ASS U ME!!!!!

I called Stacey and asked her to try to head it off but it was too late. She couldn't talk him into going to Brendan's game. So, if he calls again I'm going to tell him I'm cancelling the whole thing. If he wants to have a party he's on his own. I am not going to spend the morning running my ass off making sure everyone is taken care of. Besides, I'm much too angry, bitter and filled with resentment. I won't be any fun anyway.

Last night I called him to remind him to take his meds. Often he'll forget even if I call him so I told him to go take them while I waited on the phone. He bitched and moaned about it but I persisted. He was gone a long time before he came back to the phone. I figured he got sidetracked or something. Well, this morning when I went over there the meds box was almost empty and what was left had been moved around to different compartments. I asked him about it and he said he took what he needed to get caught up and moved the rest so it would match up to the rest of the week. AAAIIEEEEE!!!!!! I asked him where the rest of the pills were and he said he had taken them!!!! That's probably why he's so fired up today. He was foggy this morning and now he's jacked up.

So, that's it. I need to find something else to do Saturday morning because I won't be able to stand being around here. Man, I'll be so glad when I'm not doing this anymore.

It would be very helpful...

...if at the VA they'd put a giant red A on Dad's computer page so the different doctors would know how to talk to him.

Today I took him in for an eye appointment. Both of the docs that saw him today told him his eyesight is fine and he should have no trouble driving. STOP RIGHT THERE, DOC! Dad latched onto that like a pitbull on a postman. He told them he wanted it in writing and he was going to go see Dr. Griffin right NOW and show it to her and boy oh boy he's gonna be driving by sundown! When he was ranting at the second doc I said, "But Dad the reason you're not driving isn't your eyesight." A wave of understanding flashed across the doctor's face. Yeah, thanks a lot, bub. Dad said, "WHY? Why can't I DRIVE?!?" I told him it's because of his Alzheimer's. He said, "Well, someone's going to have to convince me of that!" He bitched all the way out to the car.

The cataract in his right eye isn't ripe yet so he won't be getting surgery any time soon. That's a relief for me. The last time I had to put drops in his eyes four times a day for several weeks. I've got plans to take some trips in the next few months and after that I need to find a job. If the cataract surgery can be put off for a while the eyedrops will be given by the next caregiver, probably in an assisted living facility.

Wow. It's so strange to think about someone else taking care of Dad like that. But that day is coming.

Other news... We found out that Mr. Bunny is a Ms. Paige and I looked it up on the web. They have photos and everything. It was like looking at bunny porn.

You Tube Video Awards

Isn't You Tube just the coolest thing? I just watched the Free Hugs video again. I actually think it's good for me to cry. Sometimes I get emotionally stuck and it feels awful. Having a good cry is very cleansing and right now the Free Hugs video is a great trigger for a flood of tears.

So, go to You Tube and see their best.

OKGo will make you smile and want to join a gym. Ask A Ninja is... well, I don't know but once I'm done mourning I'd kinda like to date that guy.

Stuff

It's been a pretty good couple of days. Last night the TV's Kyle band performed at open mike. Our first time without Jim. I had a bit of a train wreck with the intro to Cellar Door but the rest of the song went pretty well. Same with Beaver Duck, although I did screw up a few times. I don't have the full sound of the keyboard to cover my mistakes anymore. So, that just means I need to get better.

I performed solo at open mike for the first time. Again, some mistakes but I just rolled with it and had fun with the audience. They sang with me, which was fun. But again, near the end of Beautiful Sunday I felt myself getting the weepies from hearing their voices. I held it together this time.

Yesterday we brought the bunny in and watched him and Spiral chase each other around the living room. It was pretty damn funny. Spiral took a few swats at him but the bunny was too quick for him and jumped out of the way. The bunny gave as good as he got. I think Spiral just couldn't believe he was being chased by a white bunny.

Today I opened a checking account at a credit union. Later I took Paige in to open a savings account. She's getting Social Security checks now. It feels good to get stuff like that done.

Later I took Dad to the grocery store. Two hours! His cart was filled to the max! Oh well, he's set for a while. I had to stick close to him to make sure he wasn't getting too many sweets. He still ended up with a lot of candy bars. Yeesh.

This Saturday is the Riverside Air Show. This will probably be the last time we'll have our exclusive seats so I'm going to make a party of it. Come on over! We'll have breakfast at the top of the hill. I think the best part of the show happens in the morning. I was thinking of having breakfast burritos, fruit, coffee and mimosas. Bring a lounge chair (you'll be looking up a lot), a big hat and sunscreen.

I love it when the air show comes to town. On the day before the sky above our house is filled with stunt flyers and vintage planes all practicing their routines. The next day they're all there to perform joined by awesomely loud fighter jets, a HUGE transport plane and the stealth fighter. Parachute teams, too. I'll take the truck to the top of the hill and park there for the day. Great seats!

A pretty good day

This morning I went to Stacey's for a sib meeting to discuss Dad issues. Lots of great stuff there. Man, I love my family. I am so grateful for the way we work together. And they're pretty cool people to hang out with.

David filled us in about bro-in-law Bob. He has prostate cancer. He's doing ok right now. They're trying to figure out which treatment they want to use. Our love and prayers go out to them. Get better, Bob.

After the family meeting I stopped by a yard sale and bought a HUGE mirror for $10. Good score there. I've been wanting to get a full length mirror so we don't have to keep going into Lindsay's room for the head to toe wardrobe check. I put this one in the hall. It doesn't quite fit the space so I need to figure out how I want to hang it. I might just leave it as it is since hanging it will be a project and we won't be here that much longer.

When I got home I made some cds for Drew. His birthday was yesterday (Happy Birthday, Drew!) so tonight we all went to Olivia's for dinner. Afterward we came back to Dad's for pie and coffee. Dede is working on having our old family movies put on dvds. She got Drew's finished first so he could have it for his birthday. Oh man, that was so much fun to see! Debbie and I were little kids, Drew was a baby and Mom and Dad were young and so very attractive. I'm looking forward to seeing the whole collection.

I played Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow and Beautiful Sunday for them since they won't be at open mike tomorrow night. Everybody sang along on Beautiful Sunday. I had just sent the surfing dog video to them so they were freshly familiar with the song. Hearing their voices singing made me weepy. Silly Donita. Yes, today was a very weepy day.

But it was a good one.

A night at Ken's

I had a great walk with Jeff yesterday. We've been walking down Victoria avenue because I've been having knee problems. It's a nice place to walk, mostly flat with gentle slopes. The landscaping along the path is very well-maintained. I still prefer Mt. Rubidoux but right now Victoria avenue is wonderful because the citrus trees are blooming and the air is delightfully perfumed. I love it.

Then I went to Ken's. I was really looking forward to this visit because it's the first time Ken, John and I were going to be together since Jim's farewell party. We had planned to play some acoustic stuff and talk, probably mostly talk. First I stopped at La Bodega to get some, um, drinks. Then I went to Vons for snackies. When I got to Ken's he had just gotten off the phone with John. He looked kind of stunned. He said John called to tell him he wasn't going to be there because his mother had just died. Holy cow! I had just talked to John at about 3:30 and he was all set to go to Ken's and have a nice evening. His mother was in her eighties and had been recently diagnosed with advanced colon cancer. They were in the process of moving her into hospice care and she died on the way there. So... we didn't have John with us last night. (We love you, John! I'll talk to you soon.)

Ken, Sherri and I took our drinks (champagne and tequila) and guacamole and chips out to the patio and had a good talk. When I was feeling decently buzzed I told Ken to get his guitar and I got out the uke. Oh man, it was great! We played and played. Ken showed me some songs and I took a lot of notes. We sounded really good together and I can't wait to add in John. John also plays acoustic guitar as well as banjo. I think we could get a two hour show together in almost no time.

Hoo boy, Donita got verrrry drunk. I stopped drinking alcohol and just had water at the end of the evening but I had already had way too much to drive home. Usually I'm pretty good at knowing when I need to quit but damn, I was having a really good time and that tequila tasted so good. I crashed on their sofa. When I woke up at around 2:30 I felt ok enough to drive home. Sherri had nicely packed up my stuff for me (thanks, Sherri!) so I gathered it up and went home. Moving a bit slow today.

Yeesh, I haven't been that messed up in a very long time. But, dammit, this has been a shitty week and I needed to blow it off somehow. Mission accomplished. We really had a good time. But we kept saying we wished John could be there. Another night, then.

Better today?

Well, sort of. This morning I got an e-mail reply from the customer service person at eBay telling me how I can shut Jim's account down. That was a weird one for me. So far I've transferred some accounts into my name but I haven't actually shut anything down. It almost felt the way it did when we decided to withdraw life support. So, I sat here and had a good sob-fest. I really needed it.

Then I made some phone calls and paid bills. It was more of the same with the phone calls. I'm getting the doctor's bills now and some of them said according to their records Jim didn't have health insurance. I have to call them all and tell them to submit the bills to the health insurance company. So, now instead of feeling weepy I'm feeling kind of angry, kind of don't-fuck-with-me-or-else. I gathered up the bills and left to go mail them and run some errands.

When I got home Jeff called and said he couldn't go walking today. I decided it was time for a bike ride. I hadn't ridden in a couple of weeks. It was great! I rode through some nice neighborhoods. I rode to Jim's old neighborhood and took a look at the Smith's old house. Then I headed down Palm. Just as I was about to cross Jurupa I saw Kevin sitting at the light. I yelled and tried to get his attention but he didn't hear me. When the light changed I rode in front of him and made the ugliest face I could muster right at him. He didn't recognize me (I was wearing my helmet). I turned around and followed him home. When he saw me riding up he realized who the crazy woman was.

I had a very nice visit with him and Mary. When it started to get dark I said goodbye and started home. It was drizzling. Gotta get me some goggles. I don't mind riding in the rain but I don't like getting stabbed in the eyes by raindrops. I feel good. It was a good ride.

Feeling fragile today

Yuck. Just when I think I have a handle on things something new comes along and knocks me off center. Yesterday I checked Jim's e-mail for the first time in two weeks. I had forgotten he had a bunch of books and cds for sale on Half.com. One of the books had sold. This was some out of print Microsoft book that sold for $213.00! I found it and packaged it up. This morning I checked his mail again and a cd had sold ($1.99). I found that one and wrapped it up. Then I left to go on some errands.

I dropped off my dry cleaning, went to the post office to mail the book and cd and then went to the bank to get cashiers checks to pay back the loans for the hospital bills. As I was driving to the bank I was thinking about all the stuff that's locked inside Jim's 4 computers, the 2 Macs and the 2 pcs that are in the bedroom closet. Not only are the financial stuff and the Rancho Curioso stuff on those computers but a whole lot of his music is as well. I have his passwords but I've discovered he also used a lot of different user names. So, which user name goes with which password? And I'm sure these files have layers that I have no idea how to get to. I'm sure eventually I'll get it all sorted out but it made me wonder how many years I'll be lugging this stuff around because I can't get to the information I really need to keep. I certainly can't just throw it all away.

So, by the time I got to the bank I could feel my throat tightening up. As I was standing in line I was thinking about paying off the loans and what an important step that was. Just as I got to the front the damn bank greeter was suddenly next to me, really almost behind me saying, "Hello, Miss! I just wanted to make sure I said hello to you today!" I just about jumped out of my skin. I HATE that! Sure, say hello as I'm coming in the door but don't attack me in line just to make sure I'm properly greeted! Another thing I hate is being called "Miss". I'm fifty freakin' years old! Being called "Miss" doesn't flatter me. I'm solidly in Ma'am territory, thank you very much. He said, "Are they treating you well this morning?" Grrr... I said, "I'm fine. I'm next in line so I'm happy" (Now go away and leave me the fuck alone.) Well, it was too late, I was ready to lose it. There's no way I could have gotten through the transaction without being reduced to tears. So I left. I was at the front of the line and I just had to leave.

I went out to my car and just sat there and sobbed. After about 15 minutes I pulled it together, checked my eyes for redness and went back into the bank. The greeter said, "Hey! You came back!" (Somebody get me a gun.) Fortunately the line wasn't long so I got to a window pretty fast. I told the teller what I needed and she said the funds were still being held and wouldn't be available until Wednesday. Crap. In two days I have to do it all over again.

I left and went for some lunch. Virginia had mentioned going to El Torito for dinner the other night. That sounded good and it was close so I went there. First I stopped at Borders and bought a couple magazines, one really good one on mid-century modern design. I LOVE that stuff! At El Torito I had a great waitress and the meal was excellent. She and I got into a conversation about tequila. She noticed that I sipped my shot of Patron instead of slamming it down. She suggested another kind of tequila, Don Julio Anejo, so I tried a shot of that. Mmmmm... That lunch was exactly what I needed.

Then I went to the grocery store and was back in idiot land. Oh well. Now I'm home and ready for a hot bath and a nap.

Spiral

Last night someone left the front door open and Spiral got out. Ugh. This morning we all walked around looking for him. Kyle was pretty upset. I drove around a little just to make sure Spiral wasn't squished in the street- he wasn't. I was still limping because of my toe so I couldn't walk around the farm and do a good search. The kids all walked around but no one saw him. He's such a skitty kitty I figured if he was still around he was probably hiding somewhere. We left the house open today hoping he'd come back.

For the last few weeks this white rabbit has been hanging around the barnyard. I've also seen him hopping around in the Christmas trees out front. He got into some red powder (concrete colorant, I think) which tinged his coat pink. Boz discovered him this morning and chased him under an old shed in the front field. Paige and Rory managed to catch him. He's a very friendly bunny. Rory said his grandma has some rabbit cages so tomorrow they're going to go get one. Right now he's in our back bathroom just chillin' in the shower.

Today the Odiens (Virginia, Bill and Jeff) came over for lunch. I made a big salad with some boiled shrimp and some grilled salmon. I also made aioli baguettes (always a hit). We had a very pleasant afternoon. Virginia brought a chocolate/raspberry cake in honor of Anne's birthday. I stuck some party picks in one slice and Virginia filmed it as we sang Happy Birthday. She has the clip on her blog. The link is in the comments section of the previous post. Just a silly bit of fun.

After they left I got into my jammies and took a nap. Then I got up and had some more salad and shrimp for dinner. I went out to the front porch and played some uke. Every once in a while I'd call Spiral. Not that he'd come to me, I just wanted him to hear his name being called. After that I came in and watched tv in my room.

Then Lindsay came in and said, "Guess who just strolled in?" Monster boy came back. We still had the front door open and he found his way back in. Whew! So, now we're all happy. Spiral came home, my toe is better and now we have added a bunny to the mix.

What a day.

#$@!&%!!!

I banged my toe. This is my chronic little toe. If I bump it on something it pops out of joint and hurts like a MO-FO!!!! It's been this way for years. If I grab it real quick I can pop it back in before the pain hits. But if I need to take a pause to regain my balance I might not get to it quick enough to beat the pain rush. Today I was lucky but it's still very painful and tender. I'm all wrapped up in an ACE bandage. I took one of Dad's Vicodins.

The first time it happened I was in the Odien's pool. All the church kids were there. I was in the deep end, hanging onto the side. My foot l-i-g-h-t-l-y brushed against the side of the pool. I felt my little toe pop out and then pop back in. I was thinking, man, that's weird, I wonder what that was, AAAIIEEEEEEOOOWWWWW!!!!!! I could hardly get out of the pool. They had to practically carry me to my car. The Odiens live just a few blocks from Hope Lutheran, which is where my mom worked as church secretary. I drove there and honked my horn. The look on my mom's face was pretty funny when she came out to see what was up. Like, gee, has my daughter gotten to be THAT lazy? She took me to the doctor. He just bandaged it up and sent me home with crutches. It's been popping out once or twice a year ever since.

There is an evil, toe-grabbing demon living in the Odien's swimming pool.

It's been two months

Two months since the stroke. Two months since I last heard Jim speak to me. Two months since I last heard his music coming from this studio. It's much too quiet here now.

One of the things I really loved about my life with Jim was hearing him play here at home. I'd be in the house doing dishes or working out in the yard and I'd hear him out here playing. I always felt so lucky to have that.

His last day was a good one. He'd had that great gig the night before with Dave Hocket's band. He was puttering around just doing this and that, having a pleasant day. I was having back trouble. One of the last things he did that day was give me a nice, long back massage with the electric massager. We had such a nice conversation. He seemed so happy. Right after that he went back out to the studio. Maybe 15 minuted later Lindsay came to tell me he looked like he was falling asleep in front of the computer. That was it.

Two months ago it was cold and windy. I remember thinking it was too bad he had to go through this while the weather was so shitty. Not a logical thought at all but at that time so many of my thoughts didn't make any sense.

Now it's warm and sunny. I have flowers planted everywhere. Every morning I go out with my cup of coffee and sit with the kitties and look at my pitty wowies (Lindsay's word for flowers when she was little) and enjoy the sunshine.

There's still so much to do. I'm glad that the weather is nice now. I don't like working in the cold and so much of what needs to be done involves working in the apartment out back or in the storage trailer. And then there's all that other stuff like paperwork and getting the cars squared away. I still have too many piles of "issues". I need to make a master list and stick it on the fridge so things don't fall through the cracks. So, ok, I'll do that. I need to keep moving forward so I don't get stuck in overwhelm.

Hmm, right now I don't have something fun to look forward to. No more Trucker shows for now. Yes, I must find a show or a concert or something. Who's on tour? Gotta get out of town, even if it's just for an evening.

Another drumline Saturday

This time in San Diego. Ths kids were better this time. I just had one kid get grumpy because someone took his shoe. And now I'm home wishing I had something to do.

Oh man, buses are way more uncomfortable than they used to be. They have seatbelts now, three sets to a seat. That means there are two seatbelt latches built into the seat and there's no way to avoid sitting on them. I had a couple of Paige's fleece throws that I folded up and sat on trying to avoid the butt bruising latches. They didn't help much. And the seats are crammed in like airline seats so there's no leg room. My knees were jammed up against the seat in front of me.

There are two more drumline shows left. I'll probably be the bus mom for those too. So, next time I'll bring a big, thick pillow.

Bleah. I got roped into making chili and a salad for the chili cook-off fundraiser on tuesday. I'm just going to make the stuff and drop it off at the school. I don't want to stay for the event. No, no, no...

Dinner at Ken and Sherri's

What a good, GOOD visit! It was just the three of us. We talked and laughed and drank and ate and even got weepy a few times. It was so good to be with them.

I took my uke. After dinner I played some of the songs I've been working on lately. Ken got pretty excited! I'm going to start going over there to work on music. Ken wants to play with me and we're going to talk to John about joining us. No, it's not going to be Casual Sunday minus Jim. We'll never be able to recreate that.

Man. Ken said it's hard for him to play music because he keeps hearing the keyboard parts that aren't there and never will be again. I have the same problem with some pieces of music, songs that Jim and I did together. Musically, Jim was bigger than all of us put together. Not only was he an amazing soloist but when he played with a group he added colors and textures that were uniquely Jim and supported the group beautifully. There's no replacing him. What we all had is gone.

So yeah, we got a little weepy last night. And we had a real good time. We'll be getting together more often. What we have as a family, as friends, as musicians is too good to let it slide.

Dreaming about Jim

It's funny, but I really haven't dreamed about him until recently. He just started showing up. The other night I dreamed we were sitting in a theater, like Ramona's auditorium. He was sitting a couple seats away from me and I was looking at him and I knew in 3 days he was going to have a stroke. I was thinking wow, here he is having a good time and he doesn't even know that in three days his life will be over. He was just smiling, sitting there enjoying himself. We didn't speak. He looked younger, like he did in highschool.

This all still doesn't seem real. How can he be gone? It just seems impossible. Like, IMPOSSIBLE.

Today I went to Home Depot and bought a LOT of plants. Mostly 6 packs of flowers. I got out there and got dirty. I planted tomatoes and some herbs. It felt good to work in the sun and smell the dirt and hang with the kitties and look at pretty flowers. In a little while I'm going to Ken and Sherri's. That'll be nice, kind of like old times. Their patio is like Prozac. Heh! We'll hang out on the Prozac Patio. Here at home I have a Prozac Porch.

Anyway, it's been a nice day.

Dad's evaluation

Today I took Dad to the VA to see a psychiatrist. He needed to be evaluated so he can be declared incompetent. Lordy. These people deal with AD patients all the time. You would think they'd know when to lie to the patient to protect the caregiver. I was squirming! Dr Griffin came right out and told him he was being evaluated so we'd know how to take care of his living trust. I had told Dad that we were there to update his meds. Then they had him go with a nurse to have his blood pressure checked. While he was out the psychiatrist came in. We had a quick chat about why we needed a letter from her. I mentioned the farm and the sale just to fill her in on a few of the details. When Dad came back she told him that I had mentioned that the farm was for sale. Dad started getting pretty agitated. He said, "Well, SHE doesn't know what's going on with the land. Don't ask HER!" Jeez..

Dr. Griffin gave Dad the same test she gave him a year ago. She had him spell "world" backwards. She had him draw a clock. The psychiatrist gave him a "connect the dots" kind of test. He performed poorly on almost everything. And he got madder with each one. He never really lost it but he was sure on the edge.

After a little while the psychiatrist said she wanted to speak to me alone. I'm sure Dad didn't like that. She and I went out to the hall. Man, what is it with psychiatrists and German accents? She's a tiny, gray-haired woman who speaks like Edna in The Incredibles. Anyway, we talked about upping Dad's Rivastigmine and adding an anti-anxiety drug and an anti-paranoia drug. One of those is Risperidone, which had been prescribed before but we never gave him because of the possible side effects. She assued me it would be at a low dose and that the benefits outweighed the risks. I told her it sounded good to me but she should talk to David about it. She gave me her card.

On the way home he started asking me how Dr. Griffin knew about the living trust. He said I had to be the one who talked to her about it. I told him that David had been talking to Dr. Griffin. He said, "David doesn't know anything about me! David isn't my doctor!" He said that when I was out talking to the psychiatrist Dr. Griffin told him it was possible for him to get his driver's license back. All he has to do is take some tests. Um...yeah.... I'm sure that's exactly what she said. I didn't argue.

Boy, he's really suspicious of me now. I'm in cahoots with the doctors. He was pretty cold to me when we got home. Whatever.

This morning I started cleaning up the workshop. The work bench was full of Jim's nerd stuff. Alas, he had been working on a stomp box for John that was almost finished. John will just have to find someone to finish it for him. I'm going to separate out the stuff I can use and store the rest until I can find someone who can tell me what it is and if I should keep it. I'm planning to have a garage sale in May. I'm hoping to have most of it sorted out by then. We'll have a second sale in September. When it's time for us to move I want to take only the essentials.

I got the life insurance settlement. I deposited some of it into my bank account. When that check clears in 10 days I can pay everyone back. YAY!

Ukulele Sunday

Today was the first meeting of the Riverside Ukulele Circle. It was organized by the Odien bros. It was held at Back To The Grind, a downtown coffee place. They have this cool basement room that's very acoustically alive. Like ukes in a shower. I thought it sounded pretty good. That is until these two loud, pool playing, speed freaking assholes showed up about halfway through the meeting. Those guys pissed me off.

Jeff had put together a songbook of simple 3 chord songs. We went through a bunch of them (maybe too many) and then everyone had a chance to share a song. Almost everyone had something to perform. The Canaries sang I Shall Be Released. It was the first time I've heard them sing that since Jim's party. The tears started to flow. Virginia saw me falling apart from across the room and brought me a napkin. Thank you, Virginia.

I got up and went to the back of the room for a while. I was still way too weepy so I went behind the curtain where the pool table was. Bevis and Butthead hadn't shown up yet. I found a little sofa in a dark corner. Pretty little dragon fly lights lined the ceiling. I sat down and waited for my sadness to pass. Then I heard these two loud, stupid, bridge troll voices. They were dinking around with the pool table and having this loud conversation while the uke people were performing. I was afraid they'd come around the corner and see me so I got up and went back to the uke circle. The trogs figured out how to get the pool balls loose and started up a game. Assholes.

Oh well, whaddaya gonna do? We kept going. I went back to my seat and sang Haiku, by Tally Hall. Need more practice on that one. But I think people enjoyed it. Everyone had cool stuff to share. One of the guys sang Mongoloid by Devo. There was this kid (another Liam) who's been studying with a ukulele master who blew us all out of the water. He's what, twelve?

Sue Hannibal was there. She didn't remember me at all. Well, I guess I made a big impression on her 30 years ago.

So, other than the aerosol brothers and my crumble it was a fun afternoon. When I was leaving my car wouldn't start. Shit! Bill and Liam hadn't driven away yet and Bill saw that I was having trouble. They stayed to help me. Bill thought it sounded like I was out of gas. I thought that was probably true since my gas gauge has been acting squirrely lately. It'll show a full tank and then plunge down to empty. I guess it was telling the truth this time.

They drove me home to pick up a gas can. It only had a gallon but we figured it was enough. It wasn't. They took me home (Thanks, guys!) and I had Lindsay take me back. We stopped for more gas on the way. That did it. Whew! So, yeah, that was the third sucky thing of the day.

Dinner, tv, jammies. I came out here and practiced uke. I'm still a little bit heartsick but I'm better.

Carol and the boys

Had a great visit from the Powers that be. Good golly them boys is big! I kept thinking Jay was Dan! Their plane had some problems just before take-off so they ended up being about 4 hours late. Carol had called and told me she was bringing some steamed crabs. Freakin' yum! I went to the store and got salad fixin's and some salmon. We had a delicious dinner at around 10:30 last night. We finally went to bed at around 1am.

This morning I fixed crab and salmon omelettes. We're happily crabby. After puttering around here for a while Carol, the boys and I went up Mt. Rube. I wore my knee brace and didn't have too much trouble. The boys wanted to do a lot of exploring but we didn't have much time. They had an appointment in Newport at 3:30 so we had to get back down the mountain. It was a short but very nice visit. We laughed a lot. I'm hoping they can all come down for a SoCal vacation so we can spend more time together.

This afternoon I took Dad to the grocery store. I didn't need much so I let him go in on his own while I went to the dollar store. When I went back to Stater's his cart was filled with diabetic disaster food. I tried to get him to put some of it back but he got testy with me. So I just stayed close to him for the rest of the trip and talked him out of adding more bad stuff to his cart. Sheesh.

I'm done. Time for a hot bath, glass of wine and jammies.

I'm good for 10

Actually, it wasn't that bad. Drinking that vile laxative was the worst part. I was pretty well knocked out for the actual procedure. Things are pretty clean in there so I won't need another one for 10 years. Works for me.

Stacey picked me up and we went to lunch. We had a very good conversation. I love that girl. Now I'm home and after this quicky blogging I'm going to bed. Can't goof off too much, tho. Carol's coming! Gotta pull this house together.